Halt your pace, listen for a moment.
The ground is talking to you,
in that delusive silence between inhaling and exhaling
while an aura of chimerical clouds surrounds your face
oozing from your lips
leaving the grace of glittering winter pearls on your freshly shaved face,
listen to the ground memorizing your steps...
almost the way I did.
With closed eyes,
like a contortionist on a high wire
I try to put my feet inside the traces left by your feet,
feeling their shape there
where summer poppies blushed with our kisses
and green grass was greener with the envy of our touches
and butterflies hid their eyes inside flower bells
embarrassed with our ecstatic wingless flight.
And now,
silvery blades of grass watch me
stretching frozen cracking necks to see my face
waiting for you to return,
waiting for your touch.
Author notes
POY - Silver
Theme: Ode to love - free style
Many thanks to all of you my dear friends for so nice comments and applauses.
In a list
A contest entry
- Poem of the Year ( POY) Round 1 of 2 by Arkbear.
5750 points, ended December 29, 2007, 33 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Punctuation is somewhat wanting. I would love to see some line breaks reconsidered. Otherwise, a enjoyable read.
Clarity: 10.0
Structure: 8.5
(rhyme & meter)
(line breaks & structure)
Grammar: 10.0
Punctuation: 7.5
Use of Language: 10.0
Poetic Value: 9.0
Uniqueness: 8.5
Impact: 8.0
Theme: 9.0
Title: 10.0
Total: 90.5
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"I try to put my feet inside the traces left by your feet,"
Although there are several such lovely lines, that was my favorite.
I'm not sure this is the most powerful poem I've read from you, but it is one of the most beautiful I remember, and still with a good deal of impact. I sense this is a poem you are very happy with, and that's great. I am still going to suggest at least a couple of commas though, in lines 17 and 20 between your adjectives. ("ecstatic, wingless and "frozen, cracking" ) Personally, I liked your title. It was attention grabbing IMO and while I'd have loved to see the ground somehow brought back into the poem towards the end to reemphasize it, it still seemed fitting.
A solid first entry in the POY, and I wish you good luck with it. I think it will score nicely on my scoreboard.
Best wishes and happy holidays,
~J.
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Hi Sonja!
First thing I noticed.....was that there is no period after the word *moment* in your whole first stanza ~
Remember, anything we say or suggest after a Judge has touched your entry, may not be edited ~
.....and, there is only one period in your whole 2nd stanza ~
......hmm....your 3rd as well ~
Now.....for my critique :)
I abslolutely loved this entry ~
I have a saying which I want to carved onto my HeadStone ~
**During the long cold winter days,
I so often dream of my garden,
....and when the first breath of warm spring air blows,
I'll dig my fingers deep into her soul, and my spirit will soar!
.....so in that regard, I can totally relate to this write ~
Yes, I felt there are some areas of bumpiness without slowing my brain down with more punctuation......but over-all, it was a quick read and one which reads better on the 2nd & 3rd times ~
Loved your Imagery, and your Focus was noted ~
Glad to see this piece in Round 1, as I, personally, will be looking for more than this in that Round ~
You have th awesome talent.....time to show it off like never before ~
....and also in Free Verse, you still have to watch out for uneven lengthy lines which take away from presentation ~
:)
Merry Christmas and I hope you and your is well this fine day,
Bear ~
Hoping over to your other poem after your Score is tallied ~
PS....your Title stood out to me as...not as good as it could have been ~
Good luck!
Title 9.5
Flow 9.3
Depth 9.95
Theme 10
Feelings 10
Grammar 9.8
Presentation 9.8
Uncommonness 10
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.85
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 98.2
Good luck!
:)
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This poem wasn't written under any other poet or poem influence. I am glad that you like it. It's always much more behind the words. Thanks for so deep review and hight scores. And about title...title perfect fits to my intention. No, I will not change nothing.
~Sonja~
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Just Wonderful
O this poem is remarkable. What precision you have. I love everything in this poem, from start to bottom, from beginning to end, its was an ecstatic way of writing, it reminds me of the way i like to write, and i love it. If i said more i would be repeating myself. -
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Thank you nunchaks.
~Sonja~
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Beautiful wording! This is very lovely, great images and emotion. Too many phrases I liked to repeat them in a comment....very well done. I enjoyed this.
Best of luck to you in the contest.
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As always I tried to spill the best ink of my heart. Thank you for good wishes. I will need them all.
~Sonja~
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Another very beautiful write...
I don't think I should have entered this one!
Best wishes!
Happy Holidays
*PEACE*
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Dear islekine, I hope to see you in the same contest. Don't ever think that your poetry is less meaningful than others. You must cherish and value your work for it is expression of your heart and your feelings.
~Sonja~
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Sigh...
Always so beatiful, so full of imagery. This piece was like a breathe of fresh air gliding along on a breeze. Beautiful Sis, I wish you the very best in this competition!
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With you and next to you in the same competition it will be not so easy to run, lol...
~Sonja~
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Very Good!!!
Your voice spoke of love and spirituality in this piece! I really enjoyed the essence that you brought forth! The form of this write along with your word usage added alot of imagery and emotion to your words! As I spilled over this poem it carried me aloft in your thoughts! Thank You for this escape! Best of wishes in this event! And Happy Holidays!!!
Matthew
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I am glad that you like my work and that I succeed to devolve my feelings with words.
~Sonja~
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this is a beautiful,..longing ode to love...I love the personification..and the remembrance of love in this..
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Thank you dear March from the bottom of my heart for so nice comment.
~Sonja~
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