If you opened my body
And looked at my heart
There would be something bad
Thats been from the start
***
Its hard to describe
What makes it so bad
Even with this smile
There is something still sad
***
Its like a darkness
Thats weighs me to the ground
I want it to go away
But it can't be found
***
If you ever seem to find it
Please let me know
So i won't have to feel
Ever this low.
A contest entry
- Make me cry, Give back my voice by Mow.
450 points, ended March 8, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ****CALLING ALL DARK POETS**** by Erika Elektrikka.
2600 points, ended March 12, 2008, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I think this is a good start to a wonderful concept. I think it could have been better had your rhyme been a bit more advanced, meaning rather than rhyming things like "cat" and "sat", you could rhyme "torso" and "shallow"
Now, I know that those examples have nothing to do with your poem...but that is because they are just that, examples.
Good Luck,
Erika
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Another kewl poem ashcaff <3 I love the line 'that's been from the start'. Very kewl. In the third line I might suggest 'would' instead of 'will' so that it remains in the same tense. There are a couple of small issues w the rhythm and i'll tell you if you wish, but overall this is a great write. I like the concluding stanza; it's kind of hopeful, as if this person at least won't give in to despair in spite of their obvious sadness.
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I like the rhythm you have to your poems, well done. :]
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