Mother? Father? Do you remember me?
The sore thumb
The black sheep
The ugly duckling
The girl you bore and raised
....who you were able to care for anyway
[even if you didn’t always show your love
In the best of ways]
Somehow
You always stuck around.
I know you care
And yet your contradictions rip me apart
Tell me I can always confide in you
And then shove me away
As soon as my thoughts begin to scare you
Mother,
When you realize, too late, that you’ve hurt me
The tone in your voice
Poisons my body with a rush of adrenaline
Fit to break through twelve inches of solid glass
With not an ounce of pain,
Until it’s over.
[No apology could remedy this ache]
The throbbing in my heart
As my soul bleeds,
“WHY CAN’T I TRUST HER??”
The way you perceive my perspectives
The way you misinterpret my motives
[...dangerous as a false friend]
I can’t tell you anything.
It really has reached that point.
It hurts so much ...
Scars from old wounds are still so fresh
And underneath
I’m still bleeding ... I just refuse to
Let anyone notice. No one needs to see
My pain.
(How can she miss her mother so much if she HAS one? It makes no sense! This girl is freakishly delusional!)
I make petty jokes as often as possible,
Hoping you’ll laugh.
[So superficial...]
But it seems to be
The only way we can bond, now
And I cling to it
The way a child holds their favorite stuffed animal.
Don’t cut me off so quickly when I speak
if you’re tired of the topic.
Are you sick of hearing me vent?
Maybe not ... but your actions certainly give off that aura.
Aren’t you supposed to be there for me?
You say you are
But I just can’t believe you ...
You’ve done too much to prove the opposite.
Father,
You think it’s funny to mock my clothes
You seem to think I won’t care
If you refuse to be seen with me
When I dress a certain way...
Well, guess what.
It renders me quite shameful.
Not of myself, but of you ...
Because you can’t get past my appearance
[Beyond familiar walls]
And that hurts.
Actions often speak louder than words,
[but]
Yours are equally thunderous.
Don’t tell me what I should think
Don’t tell me what and what not to feel
When you don’t even know half the situation.
If I have a problem
Don’t twist your life experiences to make it sound like you’ve been there.
You tell me the same stories over and over ...
[What... is...] the ... purpose... ?
Are you hoping I won’t notice when you weasel in an exaggeration?
Is it on purpose...?
You haven’t lived my life.
You’re not inside my head.
So please don’t pretend to know what I’ve been through
When really, you don’t have a clue.
Where are the parents I used to trust?
Where is the mother I counted on to keep all my secrets?
Where is the father I believed to be so much like me?
I feel that I’ve become a [familiar?] stranger
In ways you couldn’t possibly fathom
....since I’ve never even dared to tell you.
I’ve spared you the details.
I’ve never elaborated in the slightest.
[ignorance is bliss]
I’ve kept my mouth shut
On countless occasions
[When] you believed you were right ...
but I just couldn’t bear to see your reactions if I kept speaking.
If I honestly proved my point.
[what you don’t know can’t hurt you]
I long to spill my heart to you
Like I did when I was young
But I can only suppress so much detail
When talking about my life ...
Cracking jokes ...
Mentioning my friends and how we have fun ...
What I find amusing ...
What makes my blood boil ...
What hurts me ...
And why.
Try forcing a newly-diagnosed diabetic
to stand before a warm slice of chocolate cake
and
not
eat.
Torture, right?
Exactly.
There are two choices here:
Either the afflicted eats the cake and dies, or comes close to it;
Or he clamps his mouth shut, suddenly becoming
Acutely aware of what he’ll have to sacrifice
In order to stay alive.
With this choice, he slowly learns
to live with his new restrictions,
hopefully turning out alright in the end.
Sure, it won’t be a walk in the park...
but he knows that this dramatic lifestyle change
Is the only means of staying alive.
I am an emotional diabetic.
Either I control myself, keeping my mouth shut when necessary
Which ensures that our relationship remains the same ...
That is ... relatively stable ...
Or
I give in to the fierce temptation to confide in you.
I do that, and
The closeness of our small family either dies, or comes dangerously close to it.
I cannot let that happen ...
especially since there are those who fully accept me
And love me for everything that I am.
As long as I have them, I’ll be fine.
Mummy? Daddy?
Are you shaking your heads in anger?
Are you completely dumbfounded?
Are you confused?
Are you hurt?
Do you think I’m deluding myself?
Do you think I want pity?
Do you think my views are grossly distorted
Like they were when I was growing up?
Could you possibly believe that maybe
Just maybe
I’m speaking purely from the heart?
With no added drama . . .
No hidden guilt-trips . . .
Not a hint of exaggeration . . .
I’m simply breaking.
What’s a parent who I can’t turn to?
Why do I so often feel like an orphan?
I love you.
I miss you.
I know you love me, but
Do you miss me?
Or who you thought I was?
...Who you think I am now?
Who do you think I am now?
You say you’ve given up on thinking that I’ll change
But you don’t even know me today...
You’ve inadvertently put up these barriers that I just don’t want to cross
The result would only be more fights
More tears
More misunderstandings
More of me trying in vain to explain myself
While you stare in horror
While you try to come up with logical explanations
...why bother?
It would be wonderful
If you could
Burn your fears of me
Crush your misgivings about my opinions
Rip through your angst about my beliefs.
I’M YOUR FUCKING DAUGHTER!!!
Show me what unconditional love should be like...
...Unconditionally.
[Even if you didn’t always show your love
in the best of ways
No apology could remedy this ache
...Dangerous as a false friend
So superficial...
Beyond familiar walls.
but
What...
is...
Familiar?
Ignorance is bliss
When
What you don’t know can’t hurt you]
Author notes
12/3/07 - 12/20/07
I REALIZE THIS IS LONG. f you're going to comment, please don't state the obvious.
In a list
I'd appreciate some written acknowledgement. Thanks.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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hmmm... i don't know what to say without sounding like some boring idiot. but I'll try =) i really, truly love this. i can relate so much... more than i actually realized. i think i've just unlocked some whole new part of myself.... i'm not sure if i like it, but it's there... anyway, the flow was stunning, word choice superb and overall feeling just.... grand! (for want of a better word) i love, love, LOVE the ending, how you used all the bracketed lines to form one [mini] poem... brilliant, i must say. amazing piece you've got here... thank you
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Hey. I can't match that (or even hope to leave a decent comment), but here goes.
It's...amazing for lack of a better word in the english language. There's not much else I can say but that this poem is simply stunning. Whe you gave the analogy abut the diabetic and the cake, I think it really hit me (well, a bit) just how much you're suffering. Okay, maybe I don't understand completley, but I'm trying. I want to. This is...sensational in the way you just poured your entire angst out onto here and made feel it, forced me to feel it.
Wuv you, Lady V. Never forget that we still love you, all of us. (And yay, Katja commented!)
-Muddy B, wishing you the best o' luck and "START!"
-Moi
PS: I like the way you sprinkled the last bit around the hole pom. It was powerful, to say the least.
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heh...you noticed what I did at the end. thanks...so far I don't think anyone got that. [except my roommate .. but then again I pointed that out to her.] heh. oh well whatever.
thanks for the comment .. that was more than decent, god dammit.
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...
Sorry, but I'm not going to write a long ass comment to compensate for the intensity of this poem.
Here's my comment:
...simply beautiful...
----
I hope that is good enough, unless you want me to elaborate on how amazing your poetry is.
Love ya Hon and stay immensely strong. You are one of the most strongest people I know. And this might sound cliche (sorry not typing the accent) but you are a person I look up to. I hope that cheers you up slightly. *hugs*
{I guess this is a long comment.} -
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I don't care how long or short a comment is ... as long as it is SINCERE and not wishy washy, just to say "hey look I scanned your long poem and now I'm going to state some really obvious stuff about it cause I think you're stupid enough to think that I understand what you're talking about"
^ most of the airheads on this website.
THANK YOU FOR THE FIRST SINCERE COMMENT ON THIS POEM. I loved it, and I love you.
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I thought this was kind of long... But it was really good it had a lot of feelings and I like that, I like that I can relate to it so well, this is how my family and I have been for a while now, so I understand this poem a lot. I really liked reading it, it made me feel not so alone.
~Alix
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Wow..
Long..
And I have a short attention span, but I am determined to comment on every poem I read tonight.
The feelings here are harsh, and brash
And I think most teenagers feel them at sometime or another.
Ignorance is bliss..
The end was a bit Trite.. But.. I don't know how to fix that myself..
-Danneh<3 -
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...this isn't your typical "teen angst I hate my parents" poem, sweetie.
...and the end was carefully crafted, but you probably didnt get that because you have a short attention span, as you said, and I'm guessing you just scanned it or read parts of it.
THANKS FOR THE COMMENT, THOUGH! -
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I read all of it. I was bouncing the whole time, but I did read all of it.
Trite=Over used saying.
I meant the last three lines..
They are very well placed.. But very much over used. Not in here, but in life and general..
I didn't mean the teen angst.
I meant the.. Here I'll pick out the individual part I meant when I said that.
(How can she miss her mother so much if she HAS one? It makes no sense! This girl is freakishly delusional!)
I think most of us miss what we think a mother should be at one point or another, and I think we're miss judged for it.
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