-Pink-
Is the blush upon her cheeks
And the abandon on her lips
It's the shade of her hair
-As well as the bow that pins it back-
The color of this girl
All dressed up
-And wouldn't you know,
The dress was pink too-
It's the color of deceit
and a color of lies.
The color of blood and innocence combined.
-Pink-
Author notes
Ah! Cliche' I'd almost not enter it.. But I have to.. I'm in a rut.. And I need to get out of it, and teh only way is for someone to... I don't know.. Critique me.. And fuss at me.. And tell me I suck..
In a list
A contest entry
- Either Or Your Choice by Dalaney.
800 points, ended December 23, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Pffteh
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I don't know what you're talking about "tell me how much i suck" I thought this piece was great. It shows how colors create mood and also symbolize things. I really and truly love this.
xoxo
pixie -
wow
this was really a good piece I like how you did this line
"he color of blood and innocence combined". I thought that its was very good. Its a great piece keep up the great work. Pink is a girls favorite color. see yeah
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I really liked this one. Though the background, may I say is really blinding *ouch the eyes*
I liked the whole pink thing, relating the color of her blushing, to her bow - good job indeed. I just feel like it was a light and airy poem until you got to 'It's the color of deceit/and a color of lies./The color of blood and innocence combined.' I really liked it before that spot. That just ruined it for me. I'm sorry. Perhaps that is how you write, or something - but I don't like how you just threw it in.
You are a very good writer, however. Stick to it.
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It's not a usual for me- I don't do love poems period actually, But I went through a phase, just as any teenage girl does... Part of me just couldn't leave a piece so... Pretty... So happy.
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Hehe. I know how you feel. I have changed how I have written many times. Some times you write harsh words, and others so soft ~
It's hard to write differently than you do normally.
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we just started a fund to recycle
your poem and turn it into confetti for new years eve!
Dearest of poets...dig into your heart, pull out the
frustration and write us a truly dark poem...pick out
a wicked metaphor, an image, go look on some of the
photosites until you see it, and then speak through it's
voice all your frustration and empty feelings to write!
That would be wonderful dark poem to read!
or go to group: Gluttons for punishment and read their
writes...that will inspire you to let loose...and
write,write,write!
this pink almost killed me! she screams...I'm blind,
i'm blind...
lol
ears2hearyou
Kathleen : ))
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Delightfully insightful
I really enjoyed the imagery. You should be proud of this one. -
i don't think you know what a little
gem you've penned here. this is fresh,
intriguing, and totally unique. i like
it. i think you might be out of your
"rut".
Love, Lane
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pink as "The color of blood and innocence combined"... very intriguing.
also the suprise of "the shade of her hair." stands out amid what we would more expect- the bow, the blush, lips, a dress- really catches your attention. wonder if it would be even more striking later in the poem, but maybe I'm missing the point.
certainly leaves a lot stronger image for me than the last line, which is, in my personal opinion, what mainly makes the poem "cliche," as you call it yourself. "The color of this girl// All dressed up/ -And wouldn't you know,/ The dress was pink too-" may be a bit bland, but I think the ending, which is built up to in the poem as well as inherently by its location, and is supposed to be climatic but has been used so often that it has been drained of much of its power, that could use the most work. I think you have an interesting premise here, and some promising lines.
on revisions: like the impact of ending with "the coloer of blood and innocence combined." May want to play with the middle a bit, not too fond of the pink dress part, but I think this is a much stronger piece now! -
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My main problem with writing this, was a touch of a twisted view of the color right now.
I see pink as a mix of red and white, Blood and innocence as I stated.
So I often think of spilt innocent blood...
Which of course made me want to do the opposite of what I did.
And have her kill him instead.
But then.. Pink is supposed to be a color of love..
And I'm left at an impasse.
Do you have any suggestions for what to do with that last line... I don't like it myself.. But I couldn't figure out what to do with it.
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