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When I met the new year

Another year runs my way on December street,
On a grumpy day where the snow escapes from the
Cloudy sky. He bumped into me, hard like a boulder,
As Strong as an ox, as quick as a cheetah.

I asked him why he was in such a rush to be born,
And he replied that the time is coming soon and
He wanted to live his time until time evaporates..

He then picked his belongings and disappeared,
Like the grass upon misty fields and marshes.
I wanted to know more about the time here,
But he was no where to be spotted or found.

As I approached January grove, I was found
Drunk in the taverns of south London.
I swallowed and gulped pints, one by one,
Time after time, lager after lager.

The year had been as rough as my sleeping
Pattern, and as dull as the British weather.
Work was relentlessly goading like a constant
Dripping sound. The stress of family life
Has conquered the battalion that once owned the

Lands of my brain.

 

I was never judged by the bartender, and never

Ridiculed by the pint of pilsener, the pint of relief.

The tavern is a second home where life is a drink

And a laugh.

 

As I sat with my pint in the sweet tavern, I was

Approached by the new year, and he was

Disappointed with everything around him.

Youths were scarring their lungs with special

Herbs, working class men were drinking their wages,

Young innocent girls were sacrificing their virginity

Like a new year's resolution.

 

I told him that the 31st door on every December street,

Is known for this type of celebrations.

I was silenced by his pause and he walked off,

Without speaking, only feeling sad and angry like

The north and Irish sea.

 

I had a feeling that this was going to be a bad year,

As the rain poured, and the sun ran away into

The forest of clouds. The stress lived in my mind again

And replaced it's tent with a house fit for a family

Of little stresslins.

Author notes

Theme: If the new year was a person. e.g.: if 2007 and 2008 were different people.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • Naridill
    January 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Love the phrasing and the imagery - very influencing and such beautiful uniqueness that not often strides by.

    Thanks for entering,


  • Jim Berkheiser
    December 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I would like to se you work on line breaks. The strongest lines begin and end witha noun or verb. It could also be a noun or verb phrase. There are also some punctuation problems. Ohterwise I enjoyed the concept and the read.

    Clarity: 9.0

    Structure: 7.5
    (rhyme & meter)
    (line breaks & structure)

    Grammar: 10.0

    Punctuation: 6.5

    Use of Language: 9.5

    Poetic Value: 8.5

    Uniqueness: 10.0

    Impact: 9.0

    Theme: 10.0

    Title: 7.0

    Total: 87.0


  • trista gold member
    December 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Although I believe there is quite a bit that needs polishing up on this, it’s so unique and creative I felt it deserved a comment and score. Just a quick run-down of some things you may want to look at once the contest has ended...

    Your line breaks. I am especially bothered by lines ending with the word “the” or “and”, and in stanza 7 two lines in a row ending in “was”. There are others that made for awkward pauses, so try reading this out loud, as that may give you ideas of how to better split up the lines.

    Beginning each line with a capped letter is generally a no-no in the PO contests, though in general it is a matter of personal preference. I think it disrupts the flow in this particular poem, just my opinion.

    Any reason “Strong” in L4 was capped? In your second to last stanza, “north” (if you meant “North sea" ) should be capped, with sea changed to “seas“. You may have simply meant “the north” in general, in which case you have it correct, but having it close to the Irish sea made me automatically jump to the conclusion...

    Also, each word except for “the” should be capitalized in your title. But again...personal preference, poetic license and all that.

    “it’s” (short for “it is" ) in your second to last line should be “its”.

    You packed almost all of your similes into stanza 5. You may want to think about spreading them out a bit.

    Sadly, the rules category is going to be hardest hit...over the 40 line limit and I don’t know how you squeaked by my co-judges without getting docked points for not having POY in your AN, but I can’t let you by so easily. That’s 2 whole points - ouch!

    As I said, this could use some polishing, but it is FAR from being a bad poem. I believe it to be a masterpiece in the making. The creativity and personification of the new year is ingenious, and makes for very enjoyable reading. I loved “stresslins”!

    Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck.
    Best wishes,
    ~J.


  • LadyDementia gold member
    December 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Certainly a very unique theme. Interesting poem, almost like a short tale. I enjoyed reading it very much. Best of luck in the contest and Merry Christmas!


  • ZachP gold member
    December 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    This read very much like a short story to me :0

     

    I love the exteneded metaphor that you carried throughout the poem... not bad...

    I love the concept, but I'm a bit leery of the execution...

     

    I thinkthat sums it up pretty well....

     

    not bad, but not the masterpiece it could have been...

     

    * grammar - 8.9

    * syntax/flow - 8.8

    * understandability - 10

    * uncommon theme - 10

    * overall impression - 9.1

    * effectiveness of title - 9.2

    * ability to hook reader - 9.4

    * ability to follow rules - 10 (bear didn't mark you down for no POY so I won't)

    * presentation / visual appeal - 8.9

    * effective use of poetic devices - 9.4

    Total: 93.7


  • Arkbear gold member
    December 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    This is most unusual.............

    .....as I told you on ytour other write, I wasn;t going to review this......but after another read, it will get a score from me......I think your other Judges are going to give you great advice on what I see wrong with this entry ~

    .....or not ~

    Your Theme is brilliant......but you could have done sooooo much better with this wonderfful Theme ~

    It won't score badly......but here is what I think.....your other Judges may think differently ~

     

    You also forgot to place the POY into your AN ~

     

    :o

     

    No editing!

    Good luck Poet!

    Bear ~

     

     

     

    Title   9.85

    Flow   9.4

    Depth   9.25

    Theme   10

    Feelings   9.2

    Grammar   9.65

    Presentation 8.8

    Uncommonness 10

    Sit & Ponder Affect  9.85

    Ability to follow Rules  9

    Bears Score: 95.0

    Good job!

  • Michael P gold member
    December 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    'Of little stresslins' another quality poem! Wonderful metaphor -every 31st door? that just one of many imaginative, well stated thought's. Best of luck on POY


  • Sonja
    December 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting title and interesting idea to write about.
    It takes me a time to read it, giving me those special feelings of your personality and introspection. Wish you a lot of luck.
    ~Sonja~


  • islekine gold member
    December 22, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Best wishes in the contest!

    Write on!
    *PEACE*


  • earthstar
    December 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I got a chuckle out of this poem. It hits many points. I thinks is how we let stress steal our joy out of life. How the world is not painted very pretty. I guess it what we make out of it. When one see good there is good. Thanks for being the first one to read that write. I was drinking my coffee and starring out the window and it hit me.
    Great work on this write.

1 - 10 of 10