Oh, thine kiss!
From heavenly lips
My heart reasons its beating.
Oh, thine scent!
Your hair in the wind
My lungs wish to breathe deeply.
Oh, thine gaze!
Those soft, loving eyes
My soul begs thine attention.
Author notes
This poem just came to me all of a sudden today...please tell me what you think of it! If there's something you don't like about it, please politely let me know so I can work on it, thanks!
-Tim
*Gypsymoth's contest*
Option 1.
A contest entry
- Make me feel something. by OhNoChastity.
430 points, ended January 24, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - What Ever You Want!! by GypsyEyes.
700 points, ended January 21, 2008, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think!
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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Beautiful. Could be even more so with more stanzas, but as it stands it is lovely! I couldn't pick one particular line that stood out for me, as all of the final lines were perfectly worded I think. Amazing write, thank you for entering and good luck. Hannu xx
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Simple, short, and sweet, literally. The last line is beautiful. I think it would be amazing if it were longer, but that does not mean it's not good all ready.
Thank you and good luck. -
I really like where it's going and what is already there, I would just make it a little longer if it was me, seems to just leave off, but good job nonetheless!
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Thanks for taking the time to read my poem! I may add to this in the future, as you suggested
. Thanks again!
-Tim (Astral Flare)
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deep love
i understand that kind of love i am lucky to have it in my life. i really enjoyed the whole beutifully written poem
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Thanks for taking the time to read my poem!
-Tim (Astral Flare)
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Wonderful!!
This is the kind of poem every women dreams of receiving from her lover... You did a great job! Well done...
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Wow, thanks for the kind comment! I'm glad you enjoyed my poem!
-Tim (Astral Flare)
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wow
this really swept me away.
amys a very lucky girl to have you love her as unconditionally as you seem to. -
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Thanks! I'm a lucky guy to have a girl like her Thanks again for reading!
-Tim (Astral Flare)
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Beautifully written!!
This is a beautiful piece
and reminds me of my ABSOLUTE
#1 poet, Lord Byron,
He normally writes about people(for those
of you who don't know his work)
Still, this is completely
original and still
it speaks of someone,
the only thing
I think you could do
is to drag it out a bit,
but besides that,
I see nothing that needs improvement.
Hope you keed writing,
Annie Shadows(Anne1122)♫
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Thanks for the comment! I'm glad you enjoyed my poem! I was actually reading one of Byron's poems while beginning this poem, but I forgot the name
...I'll have to look it up.
-Tim (Astral Flare)
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Wonderful!
Ok, I don't care what everyone else said, I thought this poem was wonderful! It's cute, sweet, and filled with love! I can deffinitely say that I've had these same feelings. I don't think that there's anything you need to work on. I like it just the way it is. Keep up the great writing!
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Thanks, I'm glad you liked it!
-Tim (Astral Flare)
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i like how you repeat oh, thine. The third line of the first stanza kind of confused me, it kinda didn't feel like it fit. Otherwise it is very well penned.
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Thank you for reading my poem! I'll have to take a look at the first stanza, thanks for the head's up!
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I just don’t like the word “thine.” Especially when used four times in a poem with only nine lines. It just sounds like you’re trying to be too grandiose. It’s a simple poem, so use simple words.
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***Reply has been removed***
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I like the begginning of each stanza.
Good write. =] -
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Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
-Tim (Astral Flare)
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