There's a pool of inky blackness where the water's cold and still
The trees that cluster round it scatter gloom and evil will
No birds sing in their branches, and no frogs croak on the bank
The sunlight never shines there, and the air is cold and dank
Yet every year in winter, a young lady comes to gaze
On the inky pool of blackness on the blackest of all days
Staring deep into the waters for the sight she will not see
For the lady by the water, hopes to catch a glimpse of me
Long years ago the lady bade "fetch me water from the pool
Which even in the height of summer is still dark and black and cool"
Where time itself can't change things, for the power is too strong
But the pool protects its secrets and to take the water's wrong.
The lady was so beautiful, and I a lovestruck fool
So I rushed to do her bidding "Brought her water from the pool"
I watched her drink the water, from the very few first drips
I knew my life was over, as the magic touched her lips
Now time itself can't change her, for the power is too strong
I lie trapped within the waters, 'til she undoes all her wrong
Her life is everlasting, and her beauty will not fade
But I must pay for stealing from the magic of this glade
She knows that I am in here, and she knows my life is done
So she lives a life of beauty, without any joy or fun
The curse will not be broken, save on the blackest winter day
She must plunge into the water, so together we can stay
Author notes
Sue Cardwell has written a sequel to this poem, I am pretty sure a sequel written by me would have ended up very differently, she sees my two characters very differently. I'd love to know how others see them.
In a list
A contest entry
- Fantasy!! by TwiztidMaggot.
600 points, ended January 20, 2008, 26 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Inviting all dark poets... Anything dark goes. Take a look! by arnica karuna.
600 points, ended October 7, 2008, 16 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Ghost/Horror Story, NO RULES, PREWRITES ALLOWED. Have fun!:) Held by a 11 year old! by Daisy Ballerina.
565 points, ended January 8, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - (my ap family) prewrite contest by serenity silvermoon.
490 points, ended January 28, 115 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Darkest of the Dark [a prewrite contest] by DeadlyPoetic88.
695 points, ended February 23, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Show me your best horror side by Short but cute.
1050 points, ended March 16, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please comment below. Spelling or rhyming or scanning corrections welcome.
Comments
1 - 53 of 53
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ooooo.... chillingly, beautifully dark. Might you share (perhaps in your Author's Notes) the link to Sue Cardwell's sequel?
Congrats on all the tropies. They are well deserved.
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click on the word sequel ...
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Oh, I see it now. The color contrast on my screen was not clear enough for me to see that.
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I really enjoyed reading this. Gave me the chills.
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interesting write i rather enjoyed reading this piece. it was well written and very long, but well done all the same. thank you for entering my contest.
-deadly
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Wow,
Amazing write I liked it..The flow was good the and rhyming
Keep the pen going! I enjoyed reading this
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This piece is very favorable. Thank you for entering it. Shancy.
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wow... this sounds really interesting and dark.the rhyme, rhythm and imagery are just perfect. I like the way you tell a story full of suspense, horror and beauty. This write is dark in its own right. I mean, it's not exactly dark as in glaringly dark, but there's a subtle darkness, a hint of pain, some unexplainable bits of mystery, an element of wistfulness, regrets... this one has it all! This is exactly what I was looking for, something that captures all the shades of gray and black in a few lines. Thanks for your beautiful entry and good luck in the contest.
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A wonderful write, reminds me of poems such as "The Lady of the Lake"
Also enjoyed the rhyme and flow to it.
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wonderful I the sequel I believe is actually entered in my contest as well, both very different. Good rhyme, great imagery, very dark and fantasy oriented. Thanks for your entry and good luck to you.
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great little fantasy rhyme.
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the flow of this work is amazing. all i can say is keep up with the amazing work
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im not sure what exactly this is about, but what i got from it was the man in the pool wanted to be with the beautiful lady, and when he finally got her to be with him, it destroyed her life, so now 'she lives a life of beauty without any joy or fun'. she got trapped by a man who wanted to love her?
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Sorry I missed this at the time you posted it.
It is however you want to read it of course
But I wrote of a young man who went to fetch water from a magic pool for the hard hearted lady he loved. She drank the water and as the thief he was punished by being trapped in the pool. Her punishment is knowing she will live forever with his death upon her.
The only way she can be free is to join him.
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Wonderful
The story within flowed along very nicely, not being rushed or dragged out in any way. I like the content, too, and the way you draw it all together. The ending actually made me smile, as even though a lovestruck fool he was, he shall still get the girl.
All round, well done! -
Loved it....great poem and story!
YOu silly poet...you DON'T have to be in a dark mood to
write a dark style poem/story. In fact it kinda gets
in the way if you are!
I always enjoy your poetry, good structure and lessons
we can all benefit from!
Thankyou....that was a great story!
ears/Seattle loved it!
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I think one can write dark fantasy even when in a cheerful mood! I think sometimes writing poetry can be like molding a lump of clay...you never know what might emerge once you start working on it. lol! Well done! ***Pam***
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I would not change a word of this piece Jeff, and your gold trophy proves it. Well Done. Val
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well done on your gold jeff..good write..xxx
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OK I am absolutely stunned. I am so used to your beautiful writes of love, emotions and yes erotica, I never guessed you had a dark side to you. I love this side of you.
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i liked the dark descriptions with in this piece good stuff
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A great fantasy dark write here Jeff..I loved every little bit of it..The rhyming and rhythm brilliant
A great piece of creative writing here, I am most sure of that
Thank you for sharing it with us all
Cindy
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Very nice ...
and congrats on the Gold trophy.
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Beautifully written here so dark and fantastical, I hope this world never comes to be, or I see nothing like it. This place is eerie and dank and I never want to be there, nicely done.
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Jeff, I am always amazed at your writes and this is no exception. Congrats on the gold my friend and good luck in the contest.
**Ktulu Blackwolfe** -
Very nice flow, and I really enjoyed your story. It's a...lighter dark than I'm used to, but it's so well written, I can't help but like it Thanks for entering!
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this is really good. I like how you wrote it. keep up your good work. thanks for enterying my contest! best of luck!
Crimson -
No
I LOVED the story!!! Work with your meter and punctuation a tad bit, maybe experiment with near rhyme or some other way to make the rhyme less predictable. Very enjoyable reading though. I'd love to read the sequel if you could send me a link to it?
Good luck and Best Wishes,
~J. -
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Punctuation is always a weak point with me when the last of the judges has booted it out here I'll do some more. Just re-reading it properly after a decent gap I think I can see where you find the metre at fault
"I lay trapped within the waters, 'til she undoes all her wrong"
has one too many syllables again when they have finished mauling me I shall change "all her" to "the" which reads more smoothly to me.
I think I have decided not to write a sequel myself, a couple of people have tackled it, each differently I know in my mind what happens but I like the idea of others reading in their own ending.
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No
Sparse punctuation. Liked the story.
Keep writing. -
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My eyes zoomed right in on the rhyme, with I prefer to be much more subtle in a poem... you had my eyes at the end of the line, and not at the rest of your words.
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I enjoyed this read, but it will not be up for scoring from my Quill ~
Please await your other Judges decision before messing with this entry ~
Good luck to you and God bless you always,
Bear ~
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cool
that was really awesome!
I agree with you, often my darkest poems come from my happiest moods.
Still though the flow was great, solid, not in the least bit choppy. And i could picture what you wrote vividly. Awesome job!
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Nice!
I like the dark about the water and "The pool protects its secrets and to take the water's wrong" is something you almost miss and must be gone over again, a sweet deception...
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A wonderful piece, very imaginative. Very well penned. Good luck with it in the contest and a very Happy New Year!
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This is a great story that you have written
here. Thanks a lot for sharing it and good
luck to you with it in the contest!
Jeremy0826 -
Hey Jeff ~
I wish I could keep this piece in, but you have forgotten about...*not having your poem in any other contest* at the same time as the POY contest ~
Please choose another PW ~
Bear ~
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Don't forget to add your POY and topic to the authors notes as per the rules, lovely piece, great rhythm and flow Bunny
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Hi Bunny ~
....thank you for watching out for your Fellow Poet ~
....but remember, they can not have their poem in any other contest at the same time as the POY contest ~
Bear ~
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This just wonderful, dark and fantastic. You used some awesome imagery. The read pulled me in and after I finished I wanted more. What a fantasy you had writing this piece. You talent shines radiantly....novy
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great!
Its quite dark, but has that sense of tranquillity. Its very well written. I usually don't like rhyming poems, but this one is definately a good read.
GREAT JOB!
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To me this is definitly dark, but there is this lightness that I feel from it. I think to me the story and message that you tell and the ill-ended lover bring a certain light to the poem. Though the lovers fate ended badly.
Nice job!
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Excellent...
...great rhyme and rhythm.
Well worth the clap.
CricketRob.
PS Bin buying Fred Trueman memorabilia off ebay. The house is full of books and balls!
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Sadly I missed him in his pomp, I saw him on quite a few occasions as a child but don't really remember him from then, I did watch him bowl for Derbyshire in a couple of Sunday League games the season after he "retired" and then went to a couple of "Old England" festival games where he played superbly.
And I also saw him in one of his final Yorkshire games bowling slow left arm!!! -
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I saw him play several times at Scarborough, where I went to school.
He also coached our first team for a day, and commented on how similar our names are ; mine's Tumman, and I used to be a fast bowler too. He thought me a decent bowler, but watching me bat, he told me I'd never make a batsman as long as I had a hole in my bum!
He was my childhood hero.
Robin.
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This is a very chilling and dark poem. I felt a coldness as I read it. The lady in the poem seems to be very cold and yet a sensious being. I wonder did she catch others.
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yum... i love dark... and this one is particularly good. i write according to my moods so i dont understand how you could write such a dark piece while in a great mood... sign of a good poet i guess.
hugs,
georgie,
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fantastic it is, and such an easy flow to the words, dark yes but calm at the same time! well done.
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I love this dark fantasy
for the words speak out to me
In whatever I may do or say
This poem I am glad came my way
A friend
Riftkin -
Love the rhyming, the flow is great, maybe a little dark, but still has great contrast and beauty in one. Good job and thanks for sharing your work.
Jen -
Brilliant rhyming, just flowed easy as Sunday morning.
It's dark and beautiful all at once.
It's not easy to make magic like that happen,
but you found a way.
"So she lives a life of beauty, without any joy or fun"
Love the contrast, a life of beauty, but there's no joy,no fun. Mmmmmmmmm,,,,,,,,
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Well, it's the best I have seen yet...and you are not afraid to rhyme!!! Absolutely magnifiecent!!!! I think that the piece paints a picture in the readers head...and it was GREAT...it's all I can say!!! Exvellent JOB!!!! Look forward for more...
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Never been afraid to rhyme
As rhyming's right at any time
I'm very glad you liked my verse
I have to say I've written worse
Dark is not the way I go
This poem is a dark one though
If you like the lighter side
Find my page and jump inside!
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