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Through Jaded Eyes (Double Retourne)

Sun starts to rise as I awake,
this misty morn with hues of gold.
A fleeting moment soon is gone,
as gold can't stay in jaded eyes.

 

This misty morn with hues of gold,
'twill be gone within the hour.
Grandeur of campaign promises,
soon become ancient history.

 

A fleeting moment soon is gone,
just like the gold in nature's green.
With pen in hand this bill I sign,
it won't quench my thirst for power.

 

As gold can't stay in jaded eyes,
I'm like Eden sinking in grief.
Remove the covers, untold truths,
it's time to face the world again. 

 

~~~~~

 

As day begins and I arise,
from truths untold I now surmise.
Tattered and torn I compromise,
seeing the world through jaded eyes.

From truths untold I now surmise,
quick silver plan, I now devise.
Serpent like tongue, I spew forth lies,
as that's a politician's guise.

Tattered and torn I compromise,
consequences are no surprise.
Face in the mirror I despise,
like a chameleon in disguise.

Seeing the world through jaded eyes,
hoping today is my demise.
Down on my knees gazing to skies,
I ask the Lord to hear my cries.


Joyce Le Lievre
(sunny day)

© Joyce A. Le Lievre, All Rights Reserved
December 20, 2007

Author notes

Prompt is: GREEN
Form is: RETOURNE
Must use: SIMILE in the verse.

I have taken this one step further and created a double retourne with the first half of the poem using no rhyme and the second half using complete monorhyme. I do hope you enjoy this added twist to the form. My inspiration for the first half of this poem was taken from a quote by none other than Robert Frost.

"Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leafs a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay."
~Robert Frost~

~ RETOURNE~

Like so many other French forms, the Retourne is all about repetition. It contains four quatrains (four-line stanzas), and each line has eight syllables.
The trick is that the first stanza's second line must also be the second stanza's first line, the first stanza's third line is the third stanza's first, and the first stanza's fourth line is the fourth stanza's first. Retournes do not have to rhyme.

Picture is courtesy of: http://elysiandream.homestead.com/files/cat_eyes.jpg

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Comments

1 - 28 of 28

  • Idle Mind Wondering silver member
    January 16, 2008

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    I am doubtful politicians feel such guilt; but, hopeful they might. lol. you have put forth great effort and presented quite the tale. thank you.

    well done.

    ken


    • sunny day
      January 17, 2008
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      Ken, Thank you for the applauses and lovely words of praise that were also colorful. As I sat watching Hilary speaking on Hannity & Colmes I thought that same exact thing. The reason being, her lips were moving. LOL I should have added another category to this one, "Fiction". I'm very happy that you enjoyed this one. Thank you again. Love and God bless, Joyce


  • going nowhere
    January 1, 2008

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    the non rhyming retourne is very good. i DO think it makes the message seem stronger that way, although i like the monorhyme too... happy new year!


    • sunny day
      January 2, 2008
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      going, Thank you for coming back and revisiting the work. I'm very happy that you enjoyed the addition and find it stronger. I love when Pam gives me challenges. I have not been here very much. A Happy New Year for you and yours. Love and God bless you my friend, Joyce


  • Amera gold member
    December 26, 2007

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    I love it when you sit down and think! This is amazing with the four stress beat in perfect octasyllable. The image is a true painting of color and motion. My favorite is the half with the monorhyme but the image is just as vivid in the unrhymed half. What a pleasure to read.

    Love,
    Amera♥


    • sunny day
      December 27, 2007

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      Amera, Thank you for the applauses and your lovely words of praise to me as always. Pam threw the challenge at me and instead of writing a retourne without the rhyme I chose to go for a home run with this. We see the true colors after all the promises have been made once they get elected. They are usually jaded when the election is over. I'm very happy that you enjoyed this and I do know how much you love to rhyme. Thank you again, your words mean a lot to me. Love you my friend, Joyce


  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    December 24, 2007

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    You did a nice job with monorhyme in this piece my friend and that is not easy to do.

    I like the tack you took with this piece and you have incorporated green and simile well. This is a fine entry!

    Now my friend and I am going to nudge you. I am going to nudge you into using your theme, green, and simile to write a retourne that doe not use rhyme.

    You may want to begin something like this:

    As day begins and I arise
    wrapped up in truths that I've been told
    I compromise, tattered and torn
    as jaded eyes look out beyond.

    I think you will find your message to be more powerful going in this direction.

    However, I will say your entry is a fine entry, but I want you to expand and push yourself. Structured verse is limited but with retourne, we can use structure to push our message and still make it sing.

    Think on it some and let me know your thoughts.

    A great piece you have here, with a strong message. ~Pamela


    • sunny day
      December 26, 2007
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      Pam, Thank you for the applauses and your lovely words of praise as always. You have hit upon something in your comment and I want to take this poem a step further by writing a double retourne. One half of it being the monorhymed verse and the other half being a non-rhyming verse. Your challenging me makes me stronger and gives me more of a belief in myself as a writer. I am going to work on it right now and I believe a quote from the great Robert Frost will be the inspiration I need to complete this one. I'm off to write, as "Nothing gold can stay." Love and God bless you always, in all ways. Joyce


  • crystaldust gold member
    December 21, 2007

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    crystaldust 21-12-07 16:27
    Granddaughter Joyce, this is really excellent. It follows on from verse to verse developing the thought very well and your choice of words is captivating. Well done indeed. Hope you net a trophy.
    grandma.


    • sunny day
      December 21, 2007
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      Grams, Thank you for the applauses and such lovely words of praise to me. I am sorry I missed you. Your words leave me humbled to no end. I'm very happy that you enjoyed this one. We have two wonderful hosts/writers in this contest. I'm very happy that you enjoyed this one. I love the color GREEN. Thank you for the best wishes also. Love always from your grandaughter, Joyce

      Merry Christmas and Happy New Year for you!!!!!


  • Naridill
    December 20, 2007

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    Very beautifully worded. The flow is fluent and the rhyme such tamed. A nice take on prompt


    • sunny day
      December 21, 2007
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      Dwelling, Thank you for the applauses and your lovely words of praise to me here. I am humbled as you are a wonderful writer. I'm very happy that you enjoyed this one. Love and God bless, Joyce

      Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and yours.


  • going nowhere
    December 20, 2007
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    wow.. i thought of using the word jaded for my entry too... but i couldn't make it work... YOU did. it's always great to read your writing.


    • sunny day
      December 21, 2007
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      going, Thank you for the applauses and your lovely words of praise to me here. I had looked at a couple of the other titles and poems. I immediately thought of jaded to take it elsewhere and the upcoming election added some strength to my muse. Your words are so humbling and even more, so inspirational. I'm very happy that you enjoyed this one and look forward to reading your entry. Love and God bless you always my friend, in all ways. Joyce

      Merry Christmas and Happy New Year for you and yours.


  • Vickie J
    December 20, 2007

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    Wow, Joyce!!!! You have captured the character of so many involved in the political arena-perhaps not the way they started out, but due to compromise, have succumbed to tactics they may never have at one time. I love the double meaning behind "jaded". You are not only an amazing poet, but a very clever one at the same time.

    This year we are voting for a candidate not many are aware of-but feel like he has not become "jaded".

    I hope this takes gold-it's every bit deserving of it!


    • sunny day
      December 21, 2007
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      Vickie, Thank you for the applauses and your lovely words of praise for me on this one. When I looked at the prompt and titles of the other poets along with a couple of the poems I wanted to take it somewhere else. This being an election year my mind went there with it. I have much thinking to do before casting my vote, especially after the debates, which to me have been a farce. The addition of Youtube I feel did more to harm than help them when they decided to allow the users to ask questions of the candidates. That is my humble opinion. I'm very happy that you enjoyed this and I hope we see someone deserving of office get in. Thank you for your best wishes also. Love you my friend, Joyce

      P. S. It was so good to see a work from you yesterday when I was on the home page of poetry. It gave me such a big smile and the poem touched me deeply.


  • R S Adams Jr silver member
    December 20, 2007

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    well said...

    I am afraid we are doomed to the inevitabilty of the untruths told in our world. Especially our political world.

    You have depicted this problem well in your retourne, which I enjoyed reading.

    You have some unique language use, like 'quick silver plan,' and I like the use of the 'chameleon.'

    Maybe the Lord hears our cries, yes, I am sure he does, and he gives us the strength to put up with the silly stuff!


    • sunny day
      December 21, 2007
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      R S, Thank you for the applauses and your lovely words of praise that you gave to me for this. I tried to go somewhere the other poets hadn't gone with the prompt and I'm very happy that you enjoyed it. He does hear us and honestly speaking, we don't have to cry out to Him. We can speak to Him in a soft voice. He gives us much strength and love, also guidance if we choose to accept it. Love and God bless you always, in all ways. Joyce

      Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and yours.


  • CitrineSunrise silver member
    December 20, 2007

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    You surprised me with the rhyming retourne in the last round, and now you've returned with a monorhyme. You have made this form your own. This was an interesting topic and a wonderful use of the prompt. Good luck in this contest. Peace, Liz


    • sunny day
      December 20, 2007
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      Liz, I have become addicted to the rhyming in the retourne and when I did the first two lines I immediately looked at it to see if I could go with monorhyme throughout the entire piece. It is an election year and the debates have been interesting to say the least. I'm very happy that you enjoyed this one. Thank you for the best wishes also. Love and hugs from your sis, Joyce


  • Angel w o Wings
    December 20, 2007

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    (3)
    "Tattered and torn I compromise,
    consequences are no surprise.
    Face in the mirror I despise,
    like a chameleon in disguise".

    (4)
    "Seeing the world through jaded eyes,
    hoping today is my demise.
    Down on my knees gazing to skies,
    I ask the Lord to hear my cries".



    I really enjoyed these last two stanza's, they really spoke out with an incredible amount of emotion. The imagery had strength behind the words, very endearing. Thank you for sharing this wonderful display of writing. I hope to read more of your works in the near future.


    • sunny day
      December 20, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Angel w/o Wings, Thank you for the lovely words of praise and I'm very happy that you enjoyed this piece so much. I wonder if the politicians do feel that way when they look in the mirror. Love and God bless, Joyce


  • Tarja
    December 20, 2007

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    .... Well I think that was fantastic. And that is really a surprise because I am not sure that I have EVER enjoyed a poem with this kind of rhyming. But you really made it work. I was very, very skeptical and though it wasn't as AMAZING as I was hoping for ... it wasn't bad either. I didn't like the picture though. Other than that, great imagery and nice flow. Great job and good luck.


    • sunny day
      December 20, 2007
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      Tarja, Thank you for the words of praise you gave to me here. I'm glad you thought it was fantastic, sorry I couldn't amaze you with it. Not everyone is a cat lover and the first thing I thought of for adding the picture were the cat's eyes. Thank you for the best wishes also. Love and God bless, Joyce


  • b e a u t i f u l
    December 20, 2007

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    Wow... I've never read anything in this form. I like it a lot. What better example of a liar to use than a politician? =] It's sad too... it would be nice if people didn't have to feel this way... maybe someday? <3 I hope you have a good Christmas and New Year!


    • sunny day
      December 20, 2007
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      b e a u t i f u l, Thank you for the applauses and your lovely words of praise. Absolutely no better example to use in this one. We all hope for that some day. I'm very happy that you enjoyed this. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year for you and yours also. Love and God bless, Joyce


  • Puppydog gold member
    December 20, 2007

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    AW, SADLY SO TRUE FOR MANY!!!

    Many of us do succumb to the things around us We lie and deceive as we go through our day just like the ones around us. Some of us feel guility though and try to make amends as we end our day.


    • sunny day
      December 20, 2007
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      Kevin, Thank you for the applauses and your lovely words of praise. I tried to take this prompt where others hadn't. Who better to use as an example in it than a politician. They promise the world to get votes and once in there things change. It also holds true for many others and it is sad. I'm very happy that you enjoyed this one. Love and God bless you my dear friend, Joyce

      Merry Christmas and Happy New Year for you and yours!!!!!

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