From his shirt like rain dripped newness,
to fracture upon mirrored shoes,
optimism as wide as eyes
stranded in stages footlight hues.
To fracture upon mirrored shoes
is where spirit, like snow shall fall,
purity in virgin mantle,
subfusc in realities pall.
Optimism as wide as eyes
encircle like traversing time,
the cold hard truth of life’s lament,
upon his failing faith they climb.
Stranded in stages footlight hues,
lines evaporate from his mind,
just a serf in fiefdoms clutches,
newest number in chorus bind.
Author notes
Your prompt is: GREEN
Your form is: RETOURNE
You must use: SIMILE in your verse.
I have taken the prompt as meaning unskilled and naïve
~ RETOURNE~
Like so many other French forms, the Retourne is all about repetition.
It contains four quatrains (four-line stanzas), and each line has eight syllables.
The trick is that the first stanza's second line must also be the second stanza's first line,
the first stanza's third line is the third stanza's first, and the first stanza's
fourth line is the fourth stanza's first. Retournes do not have to rhyme.
A contest entry
- NO GREENS - ROUND 2 - Invitation Only by Pamela A Lamppa.
3000 points, ended January 20, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best of 2007: Rhymed/Formed Poetry by B Chandler.
1000 points, ended January 1, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Honesty Before Nicety
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Very unique take to the prompt, good flow and great imagery. I could feel him tremble...
well done
ken
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You are getting so excellent at form poetry....sigh....THis is awesome...My Grandpa used that saying every morning to wake us up, so the title caught my eye.....and made me cry too,..lol...in that mood I guess....
Lynda
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Well done with the prompts and your form is spot on. A unique and interesting take within these wise and wonderful words.
I did enjoy this very much and liked the rhyme in this piece. Nicely done. A lovely entry for this contest. Well done poet! ~Pamela
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what a well written retourne. great take on the prompt and your simlie 'encircle like traversing time' was wonderful.
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This is a wonderful interpretation of the prompt. Thank you for introducing me to a new word (subfusc). I enjoyed the entire work, but the simile caught my eye. It is a pity that optimism and naivete seem to travel hand in hand; that experience breeds cynicism. Good luck in this contest. Peace, Liz
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i just wrote my first in this form, so i can appreciate the structure and effect on meanings, expression... kinda green myself...but this is an excellent piece of work...PK
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Well done
Wifey
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Third stanza last line needs a period (full stop) I will come back to this beauty... ~Pamela
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whoops .. sometimes fingers work faster than brain, thank you
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the innocent tumble...
...and I like the way he comes to reality in your poem. It makes me sad, but I am naive too.
You have similes galore and plenty of alliteration to brighten your poem. The quatrains are divided into different happenings all leading to the same theme. I like it.
Yes, optimism is wide eyes...I like that. Are we all in fiefdom's clutches in this world?...there is food for thought in your clever words.
Love it.
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I think I need to read again after I look up the meaning of a few words ~ you've stumped me 
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