I bottle it inside
Now I warn you , you better hide
The battle rages in my mind, the evil is starting to win
Here we are, this is were I begin
The truth is untold
I thought I was happy with the way it unrolled
The grim ripper is coming
Its time to start running
Forever in darkness you will dwell
And one day in hell I will hear you wails
Through pain and agony you will scream my name
But I will not be there for my heart you have slain
Do not get me wrong, I am no longer sad
In fact it seems that I’m pretty fuckin mad
But I'd rather bleed to my death, than have you watch me fall
Back into those arms that have scared me so badly. Even the writing on the wall
Shows the torment you put me through, the pain that you cause
But you were not alone, and I could spend eternity pointing out your flaws
But I have better thing to do. A life I must live.
It may be true, I have nothing left to give
The carved words crossed out, no longer spell forever
Instead they bleed never, oh never!
A contest entry
- Cheaters! by WulfDiamondLou33.
700 points, ended January 11, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites by leander.
730 points, ended November 30, 2008, 147 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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This obviously is a poem that came from very deep what concerns your emotions and thoughts. I like poetry like that - blunt and to the point.
You used a rhyme scheme at the beginning, but towards the end you lost that scheme somewhere. Also, I think this would stand better when you didn't try so hard to get rhymes in there. The flow is wobbly, not to say horrible and the sentences seem awkward here and there (forced rhyme?)
Anyway, I'm not the best person to critique rhyme poetry since I'm more a free verse writer. What matters is that I like how you poured your heart out here.
I have found some oopsies:
Stanza two, line three: the grim ripper -> the grim reaper? (not sure about this one as English is not my maternal language...)
Stanza two, line four: its -> it's
Stanza four, line two: fuckin -> fuckin' or fucking
Apart from that, you did quite well.
Thank you for entering the contest!
Leander -
wow. the vibe given off here definately says anger. so much rage, so much passion. really well written. beautifully enraged. is this about the same person?
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Intense
The words of this poem shout out anger -- yet between the lines, and especially at the end, you reveal the true and most devastating hurt.
Let me get all analytical now: Anger, while it is often classified as an emotion, is really a response to an emotion. It is a response to feeling hurt or threatened and while many people fear anger in others, it is a very adaptive and healthy response. Unless it is accompanied by violence -- but here's the interesting thing, most people who are violent do not need to feel anger to commit acts of violence. My experience has been that most violent people feel elation and euphoria when they are being violent. That's why they do it. Later, they may excuse their violence by saying they were angry -- this helps them justify their behavior.
Back to your poem. It is great. The deep and raw emotion it expresses left my laptop smoking. It is clear that painful experience has inspired your work. But I would not say I'm sorry for your hurt -- for the depth of your hurt is a reflection of the depth of your love. That you loved so much and so deeply says a great deal about you -- and it says a great deal about the person who could not accept your love. If that person could not accept your deep and true love, they will never accept any love. And that is not a person you would want to be with.
Well, I have rambled on quite enough. One last thought: to live well is the best revenge!
Good luck,
CaliOkie
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this is just fucking amazing! wow...i just. wow this is damn good. i love it. you can feel the pissed just pour off this poem. good job and good luck!
Diamond
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