Beware of the green-eyed monster
disguised with glamorous glitter
mixed in, oh so lovely sorrows;
it will lurk behind your shadows
Disguised in glamorous glitter
blind by things that make you bitter
a beauty so bright, so shiny;
a furtive chaos so tiny
Mixed in, oh so lovely sorrows
shows an illusion of rainbows;
it will deceive you to darkness
when all along it was aimless
It will lurk behind your shadows
like a hungry vampire that shows
with loathsome thoughts that can kill you
that death will always win---adieu
Author notes
~ RETOURNE~
Like so many other French forms, the Retourne is all about repetition.
It contains four quatrains (four-line stanzas), and each line has eight syllables.
The trick is that the first stanza's second line must also be the second stanza's first line,
the first stanza's third line is the third stanza's first, and the first stanza's
fourth line is the fourth stanza's first. Retournes do not have to rhyme.
A contest entry
- NO GREENS - ROUND 2 - Invitation Only by Pamela A Lamppa.
3000 points, ended January 20, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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You have excellent imagery in this poem. And it made me wonder about my own life. I do think the word "it" came close to overuse but very nice poem.
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your Ideas and chosen direction are commendable. I love the story like presentation.
your form is good but weak in flow, the use of words like: in, an, a and so(x5)should be avoided as they tend to cause pause within the line, breaking the flow.
a good imaginative effort.
Ken
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Jealousy is truly that green-eyed monster. You have used simile to make your point in this most green retourne.
Your syllable count and form are good. Flow could use a bit of work to smooth it out a little bit but truly a very unique and effective entry. I did like this very much.
Your last line was a bit weak and I think it could be a bit stronger. The entire piece is effective, but I think it may have worked better without rhyme.
Maybe something like this for your last stanza:
"It will lurk behind dark shadows
like a vampire hungry to feed
with loathsome thoughts to take you
with its kiss of death in his grip."
Jealousy envy being the vampire that will drain the life out of you. Just some thoughts here.
You have plenty of time to work at this a bit if you wish. I will be back to peek before the judging. ~Pamela
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i love the way, you use happy,positive things as an illusion for negitive truths.
its amazing!!
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after reading this, i am looking around and making sure there isn't any envy hanging around here... you make it sound as bad as it is... through a good retourne.
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I think a poem about jealousy is a natural for this contest and personification made this poem more interesting. I am unsure about the commas in line 3. Good luck in this contest. Peace, Liz
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and suddenly, it has me...
yes, I feel the ultimate grip in your words and I look over my shoulder to see what is in store.
But what is it? Is it Death? No, that is a simple answer. Is it perhaps a way of thinking...my thoughts, to disillusion me more...ah, you have given me something to ponder.
Great poem.
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'blind by things that make you bitter'
Seems a little edgy at moment, perhaps an inner comma between blind & by, as it does make sense just a little unflowed with. But a nice entry ~ interesting take on prompt.
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