12th draft:29.6.08
i get off the bus and run
towards the station looking forward
to lunch with my new love
on the platform
a sign reads: boring passengers
please make way for exciting passengers
i hum a song
and i’m the closest thing
to an excited passenger here
clouds tuck themselves
into the corners of the sky
as a flock of shadows flies past
a wattle bird darts
from tree to tracks
with a stick in its beak
i can't believe
that it's making a nest
up against the railway line
men pick stones
off the tracks and throw them
beside the end of the platform
i watch them for a long time
then yell: is the track closed
they reply: no, the train is late
i say: yeah i know it's late
and if it doesn't come soon
it's gonna make me late
they smile
while they work & glance at me
as if I’m lost
i ask:
will the train still be able
to arrive through all this mess
the youngest man
says: it’s not a mess
it's progress
the men keep taking stones
from underneath the tracks
and I notice a phone box up the road
i need to ring a taxi
but the phone box has no phone in it
just a big nest
i run back
to the station & notice
how quickly things can change
a block of apartments
has gone up along the tracks
completely blocking my train
i ask a young couple if they have
a mobile phone
but they say they're out of credit
a pop star is about to open
a new shopping centre which has appeared
above the platform & I sing out:
hey! i need the train
& she says: yes, everyone’s watching
reality TV
i say: i’ll be late for my date
but she shrugs and continues to wait
for an audience to arrive
two honeyeaters
carrying hearts in their beaks
fly over me
they are headed
in the direction of my love
and they are singing
so i climb off the platform
& run after them
as i puff along the track
they perch on a branch
of a wattle tree
and their beaks meet like a kiss
i run along the tracks like a train
except now i'm an express
not stopping at any stations
until i reach the end of the line
where she stands in the middle
of the station smiling at me
Myron Lysenko
Author notes
I'm Myron. This is one of my favourite poems because it articulates in images
what I could not work out in my mind or in conversations with my friends. It
gives clues to my personality, the way i view the absurdity of a changing world and
most importantly my quest in trying to find true love, overcoming all obstacles in my way.
A contest entry
- Prewrite Quickie by naked roots.
700 points, ended January 30, 2008, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Another Poetic Theory by Judith Chandler.
525 points, ended April 19, 2008, 7 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 32 by crivanea.
450 points, ended August 5, 2008, 5 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - see not the flame, know the artist, and understand blood. (invite only) by apples fell.
400 points, ended September 25, 2008, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Even though it's surreal, does this work as a poem?
Comments
1 - 81 of 81
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This is wonderful ...I don't know that it works as a poem since there really is no rhyme but then I don't know all that much about poetry.. I do know it is still a great piece to read...I could visualize each and ever stanza in my head like a movie ...silly, serious, franic, hopeful...all the discriptive words fit...I can see why it is a favorite of yours...
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i think even without the authors notes, the reader knows that is exactly what you were doing because you wrote this so well. i absolutely love the symbolism. the story aspect made this poem stand out among all of the poems i've read lately. this is so unique, and i think the fact that this is surreal has a lot to do with it. you have a brilliant mind.
oh, and a response to your notes: i think it is ironic how most poets [well, that i know of] express themselves better in metaphorical/symbolic/imagery-based writing than in personal straight-up/blunt conversation. i can relate to you a lot in that.
good luck in the contest.
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This is epic, and I don't mean that in a bad way either. I felt like I was reading a very detailed story, of course with poetic elements throughout and that is quite alright as I wanted anything in the contest, as long as it was good...And this certainly is. I really enjoyed the conversational nature and how you think out loud and how nothing seems to go quite right, which I think happens to everyone in life. I was reading it and wondering "will this poor guy ever catch the train"? And I loved how the poem progressed, until you are at the station and she is smiling at you...That is truly a wonderful ending, with just a sense of hesitation behind the words, like a tired feel. The language itself is quite reformed and I can very much see the hard work that has gone into this piece. I think it has paid off. "as a flock of shadows flies past" - I think you could have said this easier like this: "as a flock of shadows fly passed"...You have the wrong word for "past", as I think it's "passed".
A very strong entry...To say the least.
Good luck in the contest.
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i love it..so different in style..and actually i'm quite surprise u didn't enter a haiku..lol..but yeah..this type of poetry..so open..so raw..and w/ just a hint of personality showing into the poem..it is the kind of poetry that ignites a smile onto the audience's face..wonderful poem..and like the train..it carried me away into another world..wonderful piece..great job
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train
Thanks heaps! It's taken me almost a year to write and revise this poem, so I'm glad it moved you.
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My sister, J aime coudre keeps telling me what a wonderful haiku teacher you are... she's learning haiku in your class... so I decided I have to come see the work of the wonderful Myron. I, too, love reading and writing haiku though Sis is passing me by leaving me in her dust.
So this is the first I've read of your work and I am not a bit dissappointed I'll be reading more, you can count on it
I like the even flow, the urgency of pace and the subtle humor in this piece. A very enjoyable read
Dee
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Oh no! I came back to read this again, what happened to the original version?
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progress
That's the price of progress, my friend.
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True love!
I couldn't stop reading! I was caught up in the poem like a leaf blown in the wind, until the updrafts brought me finally to rest at the end..."where she stands in the middle of the station smiling at me".
Just great!
Congrats on your wins!
Jennifer
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leaf in the wind
Thanks Jennifer; pleased to see the poem had this effect on you - moving you to simile and metaphor.
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The imagery in this poem is amazing. It really takes you away. I liked the flow and how it stayed throughout the whole poem.
-Chloe
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thanks Chloe.
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Well I'm back as promised. I think the main thing to watch for is word repetition. You use run a few times just for an example. I'm not a great person to critique but honored you asked me. I assume you are doing a form that requires 3 lines per stanza. If not I wouldn't break it up so much. Have larger stanzas. Just a thought. Hope this was helpful.
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Good
The author uses good imagery and maintains a poetic flow through the whole piece. Nicely structured, well written with poetic imagery and style. Nice flow of words attracting the reader with their simplistic beauty. -
Quite the story you tell in thse short three line verses - can pertain to so many different things; metaphors well used here. Congrats on the trophy wins too. Nice to be able to reuse these poems in other contest - great place for prewrites.
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I think my only major critique is the &.
That's just my own personal preference not to use it instead of and.
As a poem you kept me involved throughout and the bird nest theme\ surrealism definately works.Let me know if this was helpful because I'm still half asleep. LOL
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Hey! I remember reading this before. But it was a long time ago and you seem like you're working on in it again. I really remembered it because I had liked it so well. My favorite part was about the nest in the phone booth.
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I loved this poem. It has class, style, and an essence of love that draws true longing from my heart. The way the expression is brought forth is stunning.
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No, I don't think running two metaphors is confusing. I love the surrealistic and fantastic element to this piece. You left me wanting more, wanting to know if the speaker ever makes his way to his lover through this dreamscape, as well as leaving me discerning what various things symbolize and represent. Fascinating read.
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Wow, that's pretty good. I usually like to hate the writer, and leave crappy comments, but this piece is too awesome. The gold winners must've been sleeping with the judges
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bravo
Ah, a lovely and arcane piece, full of sharp poetic images! I kept thinking--perhaps incorrectly--of a ghost, but this only added to the ambiance of this fine poem... bravo... bravo... (oops, I commented last December on this piece, and rather harshly at that! I think it only proves that our moods effect too strongly what we read--I like it just fine now!!) -
The changes you have made, have made it easy to get! Time has been going by too fast for you, and you just haven't had the time to get done what you wanted in your personal life.
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WOW !
Quite the story in this poem with lots of imagery and fact nicely intertwined! Congrats on the trophy. joy
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It's quite a modern write, rather surrealistic in fact. It seems to get more so as it goes along, especially the honeyeaters with hearts in their beaks.
Appealing with a lot going on.
Thank you for this submission to my contest.
jjj -
Wow. This is a really great poem you have written here. I'm impressed. It's simple and straight forward but I love how it runs like a dream and is still a story. I loved all the images and the metaphors didn't really confuse me. But then again I took it like it was a dream you were describing. My favorite part was about the birds flying away with hearts in their mouths. That's cool. I think I'll have to bookmark this one.
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Like a lot of people here, I'm unsure of the intended meaning of the peice but I really enjoyed trying to figure it out what it meant to me. It is indeed unique and dreamy in its eloquence and style. My particular favourite line was:
"hey the train is late
& she says: yes, everyone’s watching
reality TV
i say: i’m so late for my date
but she shrugs and continues to wait
for an audience to arrive"
For me this is so relevant and representative of todays values. Thanks so much for an interesting read.
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meaning
Hi Qwertys - thanks for your thoughtful reply. glad to see this poem moved you in some way.
and yes - i'm glad you tried to figure out what the poem meant to you. i'm one who believes that the writer's intentions are not as important as a careful and thoughtful reader's poerceptions.
best wishes,
myron.
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This is very interesting, It shows how way to many people know try to turn thier lives into reality tv, that is all our world seems to see any more. Allthough If this was a tv show I dont know how their ratings would do.
xXBugXx -
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tv
thanks Broken Bug - i enjoyed your comments. and yes, if this was a TV show, it wouldn't rate at all, lol. good one!
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Strange piece! It seemd quite mundane at first, then became something of a social commentary later. Interesting! - oce
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strange
thanks for reading this one, ocerus. i liked reading your perceptions and knowing that the poem changed from mundane scenes to social commentary.
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I agree with child with grace, this write must read again again to be able to understand it, by the way I like the train idea, and those honeyeaters flying wonder what they are :p
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honeyeaters
thanks, you dancing cat.
yes, you're right - the poem is full of symbolism and is a difficult read.
it's a love poem in which the narrator is blocked from seeing his lover, but he finds a way to make his way to her.
the honeyeaters are birds - please don't eat them, LOL.
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What an interesting piece!
The various event fit in the poem nicely to make a unique montage....
Certain lines provide real fun...
and that proves that it's actually you who is 'the exciting passanger' replacing the boring ones...
The poem is extraordinary in its
diction,
treatment,
style,
vocabulary,
ideas, images,
and effect.
I love the poem ...and why should anyone stop me from loving it...
Galaxy2 -
I don't think I quite understood the poem and all its meaning, but that's not to say it wasn't a great piece. Your use of symbolism, imagery and metaphore is abundent in this and it gives the reader something to ponder, and subsequently read a few times over. :D i like that.
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I don't think I quite understood the poem and all its meaning, but that's not to say it wasn't a great piece. Your use of symbolism, imagery and metaphore is abundent in this and it gives the reader something to ponder, and subsequently read a few times over. :D i like that.
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Not sure if I got it all, especially the pop star bit, but I agree that it was strikingly deep for an on-the-surface light piece, well written!
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Not sure if I got it all, especially the pop star bit, but I agree that it was strikingly deep for an on-the-surface light piece, well written!
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Not sure if I got it all, especially the pop star bit, but I agree that it was strikingly deep for an on-the-surface light piece, well written!
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Like a lot of people here, I'm unsure of the intended meaning of the peice but I really enjoyed trying to figure it out what it meant to me. It is indeed unique and dreamy in its eloquence and style. My particular favourite line was: "hey the train is late & she says: yes, everyone’s watching reality TV i say: i’m so late for my date but she shrugs and continues to wait for an audience to arrive" For me this is so relevant and representative of todays values. Thanks so much for an interesting read.
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Like a lot of people here, I'm unsure of the intended meaning of the peice but I really enjoyed trying to figure it out what it meant to me. It is indeed unique and dreamy in its eloquence and style. My particular favourite line was: "hey the train is late & she says: yes, everyone’s watching reality TV i say: i’m so late for my date but she shrugs and continues to wait for an audience to arrive" For me this is so relevant and representative of todays values. Thanks so much for an interesting read.
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Like a lot of people here, I'm unsure of the intended meaning of the peice but I really enjoyed trying to figure it out what it meant to me. It is indeed unique and dreamy in its eloquence and style. My particular favourite line was "hey the train is late & she says: yes, everyone’s watching reality TV i say: i’m so late for my date but she shrugs and continues to wait for an audience to arrive" For me this is so relevant and representative of todays values. Thanks so much for an interesting read :)
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Like a lot of people here, I'm unsure of the intended meaning of the peice but I really enjoyed trying to figure it out what it meant to me. It is indeed unique and dreamy in its eloquence and style. My particular favourite line was "hey the train is late & she says: yes, everyone’s watching reality TV i say: i’m so late for my date but she shrugs and continues to wait for an audience to arrive" For me this is so relevant and representative of todays values. Thanks so much for an interesting read :)
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Like a lot of people here, I'm unsure of the intended meaning of the peice but I really enjoyed trying to figure it out what it meant to me. It is indeed unique and dreamy in its eloquence and style. My particular favourite line was "hey the train is late & she says: yes, everyone’s watching reality TV i say: i’m so late for my date but she shrugs and continues to wait for an audience to arrive" For me this is so relevant and representative of todays values. Thanks so much for an interesting read :)
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This one caught my eye. It is different. I'm not really sure what you are saying; the meaning of this poem is not clear... But, I just like the difference in it. I would tell you to capitalize your 'i's, but then I noticed you using the '&' and usually that is used for effect, so I will not say that.
"on the platform
a sign reads: boring passengers
please make way for exciting passengers"
and
"two honeyeaters
carrying hearts in their beaks
fly over me"
Amazing. I could never write something like this. Something so light, but yet so deep at the same time.
~~ I am truly amazed by this. ~~ Wow.
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interesting
don't know for certain the point ,but it made for interesting reading.
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very nostalgic
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dreamy piece you've written here...
not sure what the metaphors are, but most dreams are that way
keep on writing!
mike
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This moves along so well, like dreams, where things change and shift yet the theme and emotion stay the same. Well done.
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This poem came about nicely, my favourite part was stanzas two three and four, and I was particularly surprised/unseated/etc. by the line "boring passengers
please make way for exciting passengers"
It also says this is your tenth draft? I would even applaud your tenacity at making sure this one is right.
As for the split metaphors, the tone changes rather drastically, and if I was to suggest a place to smooth out, it would be there.
Other than that, I'm glad I clicked.
Donald Pianogerian
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I loved the feel of this. I almost felt as if I had stepped into a dream. The metaphors were extremely well done and made me want to re-read this several times.
And since I'm almost always late, especially when it comes to love this is right up my alley. Seems like there's always something blocking those train tracks...
Thank you for entering.
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blocking
thanks Naked - What nice comments about the poem - thank you very much. i was hoping that this would be the type of poem that people would read several times - although it IS very long isn't it?
Sorry to hear that your love has been blocked. The same thing was happening to hero in this poem, until he got down onto the tracks and became the train that took him to his love.
best wishes,
myron.
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Hoo-ey!
This reads like a "Far Side' cartoon strip, only minus the pictures!
I see the irony of the birds bringing nesting materials TO the tracks, and the men taking away from them to build 'shelters' ~ perchance a metaphor on the hopelessness and destruction of modern progress? I also like the comparison of normality and seeming madness.
Very cleverly put together. Very succinct descriptions, but with such vivid images! You pull your reader along just like the train that should have arrived. I particluarly love this little gem:
'clouds tuck
themselves into the corners
of the sky' ~ Wow! That's amazing!
Brilliant stuff.
You would defintely get a Gold trophy if you entered it somewhere fitting.
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FAR SIDE
thank you very much - i'm a big fan of the Far side cartoons.
i like your reading of the 'progress' metaphor.
i appreciate your comments very much and enjoyed reading your perceptions.
goodonya, mate!,
myron.
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Interesting, indeed
This was very whimsy in way. Your use of symbolism is well-received, though it did leave me pondering the meaning (if that makes sense). The style is very unique, and overall, I'd say that I like this.
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whimsical
thanks HOBO - it is a whimsical piece, as you say, and it also has metaphor and other symbolism in it. but i can see that it's difficult for people who prefer statements to images in their poetry. (I used to hate poetry like this when i first began to read and write poetry, so i don't blame anyone for not liking this particular poem.)
it has a very clear meaning in it - but perhaps mainly only to me and my loved one.
thanks again, myron.
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no its not confusing, its great. well worded, flowed wonderfully. I really loved it. original and fun to read. so thanks for sharing it.
oh and thanks for your comment
Creatress
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well now, this is certainly interesting...I get the sense of one realizing time has passed him by, wishing he would have done something in his past to change his current course. A very entertaining read, well thought out and portrayed in a unique manner. Very well done.
Rory
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captivating
two honeyeaters.
nothing short of amazing.
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This is really good, it seems to be reflecting on both the nature of home as well as the ceaseless flow of time. I may be wrong about the home part.
I liked it, you just made it onto my favorites list.
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Did you fall asleep while waiting for your train? Some very dream-like stuff going on in this. An interesting read with some good imagery and symbolism I will need to ponder for a while.
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Lennonesk
To me this piece has Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds imagery. On top of that I can say without exception that I have not read anything like this on AP. Not to say that there is not numerous pieces similar, only I have not read them. I'm not sure where you are headed with this, but I wrote a similar piece some years age, (not as good as yours) that I knew exactly what every line meant and to this day I have to read my liner notes and revisit them to clarify what I was thinking at the time. This stands out for me on AP as not just your run of the mill piece, it is exceptional. RC
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thanks
Thank you Robin for your wonderful comments and praise. it means a great deal to me, as it is from you. you know your stuff.
yours,
myron
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perfection
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I feel you've maybe overly-condensed your thoughts into a highly interpretable piece. It's lovely...and grows more so with the unexpected simile towards the end. But maybe you could inject a little more substance into the piece so the mataphor of your station in life as a train become more adequate...and more important. I'm not asking you to write lyrics for guns & roses...just to extrapolate some of the more important ideas a bit.
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it's clear and confusing at once. A very Alice-In-Wonderland feel to the anxious movement, the nonchalant acceptence of oddness everywhere. The birds, and the nest, are beautiful touches. You followed the hearts, so it must all work out. I liked this.
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ahhhh... a wonderful jouryney. Thanks for taking me along.
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I find your poem different.Makes sense to me,however.Did the train ever arrive?
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I'm gonna have to take some time with this. Sit down, throw on some coffe, Miles Davis, and read it religiously. I like that it's so cryptic though. I too love the line about the clouds tucking into the corners of the sky. But I enjoy the 'love' content of it and the surrealist approach. I'm intrigued by the fact of the train being late and later blocked, possibly. Oh and, the little ditty between the pop star, and you being the one to sing out, that was nice. Lot's of clever stuff like that in this. "I need to ring my love". Nice. It's certainly an interesting work. I'm excited by the oppertunity to investigate and figure it all out. Excellent write. Au Revoir!
- The Common Saint -
Freaky, were you dropping acid when you wrote it?
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'clouds tuck themselves into the corners of the sky' that's lovely! the rythmn captures the regularity & movement of a moving train, the puffing at the end merges the traveller with the vehicle but time has been moving on melding years and moments into a very long journey. I love the birds nesting and carrying love tokens, seems to say 'yes!' finally.
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This is a sociological treatise without a practical perspective. I understand the intent, but it doesn't bring anything to the table. Don't take this to mean your poem is bad. I don't mean that. I only think it could be more complete.
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I love this! It's so surreal, like a dream. I feel that the person telling the story here is very confused but also easily distracted and impulsive. Personally, I don't care if you put a million metaphors in this poem. I love the confusion and dreamlike quality it has. I'm sure if you work on it, it will be even better. Fantastic! Your poetry really is very impressive.
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trying
Hi Emile - thanks for taking the time to read my long, boring work-in-progress.
i'm glad you found some good parts in it, but i'm puzzled as i can't tell the difference between the images that work for you & the images that don't. perhaps if i knew them, i could improve this poem...
festive wishes,
myron, -
Unless you are deliberately trying to be boring it's way too long! You have enough material here for several poems...try to curtail your desire to tell the whole story all in one burst of words. You have some great moments in this piece ...but you cram to much into it and it can become boring. You are a diamond in the rough and some of this work needs polishing..but the talent shines through, keep trying.
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I think if you work on something long enough, it will all work out. I'm sure this is not the end yet, but soon, the right words will fall right out of your pen and onto the paper. Sometimes you just have to stop thinking about what you're writing and let the pen take over. Only then will you find the end to your quest of love. Either that, or your lady friend will give up waiting for you and go about the task of finding herself a new beau, one who will show up when he's supposed to...Just a thought. Can't wait until the next draft.
Joan
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on his way
Ah Joan, you have followed this poem for a few weeks yet & i can see how frustrating it is for you that he never reaches his love.
he will never reach her during this poem, but he has climbed onto the train tracks and is on his way to her.
i think this poem has resolved itself now. i'm happy with the beginning and also the optimistic action he takes at the end. but then perhaps more ideas will come out when i sit & explore the images in it again...
i'll keep tinkering away at it now.
thanks again,
myron
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Hi Myron, It's just me again. I suppose you might call me a lingering romantic, but I just kept thinking of your traumatic problems with that train that never came, and your poor young lady waiting at the other end for you. I'm sure your tinkering will someday bring your poem...and your thoughts, to fruition. In the meantime, I hope you are working on something else, I always enjoy reading your illuminating words.
Keep writing.
Joan -
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Hi Joan - i know you've been watching this narrator running around like a crazy ant and that you want to see him in his lover's arms.
i'm very glad that you've stayed with this poem through its drafts here.
in my mind the narrator has solved his problem by jumping onto the tracks and heading off towards his love, following the love-birds in the sky.
i give a subtle hint that he actually turns into the train that he was waiting for, altho i don't know if anyone will really pick up on that.
i'll work intermittently on this poem over the next few months.in the meantime i'll be going camping - where i will sit by the sea and beside the river -- writing haiku.
my publisher wants me to write a book of poetry suitable for teenagers, so i'll be working away on that project over the next nine months.
i hope you have a good festive season,
myron.
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Bizarre, abstruse, arcane are some of the words that come to mind...there seems to be no beginning and no end here... perhaps that is what you were aiming for...full of fine poetic images, but to no purpose...
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Hi Eusebius - thank you for reading my poem and for your comments. it is a bizarre piece, full of symbolism and metaphor. nothoing is spelt out for the reader and i know that can be difficult.
there is a purpose to this poem, but i agree that it's a bit abstruse and arcane.
all the best over the festive season,
myron.
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