Another incident of computer-induced mania struck today, an increasingly common phenomena which affects mainly inexperienced computer users. It occurred in the quiet suburb of Glendale, California, when a man identified as Norton P. Turtletaub, attempting to learn how to operate a new computer and complete a complicated formatting task in one evening, suddenly lost control of his faculties. In the words of his friends and family, he just "snapped."
The man, who hadn't slept in close to 48 hours, had been making numerous unsuccessful attempts to navigate the many commands of his new laptop computer. Becoming concerned, his roommate looked into his room several times throughout the night, only to see him sitting before the computer screen with a vacant gaze, muttering, "Demon machine." His roommate reports, "He hadn't blinked in such a long time, dust had collected on his eyeballs. I was very worried about him." He attempted to speak to him but received only an incomprehensible grunt in return, a sound he likened to that of Frankenstein's Monster.
His roommate had left for work when a next-door neighbor heard what she describes as "an unearthly wail" coming from the house. "It sent chills up my spine," the woman reported. Moments later, she heard the same voice in the rear yard of the property screaming, "Mock me, will you? I'll kick the gigabytes out of you! Die, electronic Satan!" Curious, she looked over the fence and saw the man apparently attempting to "drown" the laptop computer in the swimming pool.
"He's normally such a nice, young man so I asked him what he was doing," the neighbor reports. His response, the neighbor tearfully recounted, was, "For once in your life, mind your own damn business, you meddling old heifer!"
A short time later, his vehicle was heard screeching out of the driveway. Numerous reports to 911 emergency lines were then received from various supermarkets and restaurants about a man tearing around like a maniac, knocking shoppers flying in every direction, and taking cuts in line, all the while yelling, "Out of my way! It's my birthday, dammit!" (Apparently, this unfortunate string of events also took place on the man's birthday.)
It was later discovered that Mr. Turtletaub had purchased three family-size buckets of El Pollo Loco chicken, seven loaves of white bread, two tubs of Jif peanut butter, two 12-packs of Coca-Cola and a case of David's sunflower seeds, intending to binge on his favorite foods.
Failing to heed his previous warning, the neighbor casually approached the deranged man as he was getting out of his car. Before she could ask him why he was doing this, he threw a family-size jar of Skippy peanut butter at her, striking her on the forehead. He then wrapped an entire roll of duct tape around her mouth as she lay in a semi-conscious state, taped her body to the roof of his car and sped up and down the street at speeds of up to 75 miles per hour, all the while yelling out the window, "See what happens when you don't mind your own (expletive) business? What? What? I can't hear you!" The woman was later taken to a nearby hospital where she was treated for a slight concussion from the Jif peanut butter jar impact and severe psychological distress.
Though being pursued by angry neighbors, the man was then able to barricade himself in his residence. After a standoff that lasted almost three days, the man finally emerged from the house of his own volition. Apparently, the mania which had enveloped him suddenly wore off and he came out of the building in a disheveled state, squinting in the bright sunlight, his face greasy with chicken fat and peanut butter. He was nearly shot by a rookie police officer who mistook the drumstick he was holding for a gun.
The main reason the standoff lasted so long was that the police were not sure if the man was armed. It was finally determined that he wasn't, mainly because throughout the ordeal he did nothing but throw old sandwich curbs and chicken bones from open windows at SWAT officers who got too close to the house. At one point, he did employ a slingshot to fire at an officer what was later determined to be a Hot Tamale candy. The Tamale struck the officer in the neck, causing a slight welt.
As paramedics took the man away amid a media frenzy, he was heard muttering, "It's my birthday. Why was the computer so mean to me?" He was taken to the nearby Shady Pines Rest Home for psychiatric evaluation. Staff members at Shady Pines report that he is recovering. Once his fitness to stand trial is established, he will be charged with assault and battery on his neighbor.
Captain Roger E. Kaputnick, who spoke with the neighbor at the hospital, reports, "Mr. Turtletaub will be charged with assault, but I do so very reluctantly. After speaking with his neighbor for only a minute or two, I felt like doing the same thing myself. She asked me a lot of very personal questions. That is one nosey, old heifer."
By Irving P. Schmendrick, Staff Reporter.
Author notes
Computer-induced mania is no laughing matter. Here's yet another example - http://vidmax.com/index.php/videos/view/4203
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
I'm sorry Mark but I had to highlight all of the portions of this writ that made me laugh out loud.
"In the words of his friends and family, he just "snapped."" Hahahaha
"muttering demon machine." I am cracking up over here.
"Curious, she looked over the fence and saw the man apparently attempting to "drown" the laptop computer in the swimming pool." This is a riot!
The entire fourth paragraph had me howling! LOL
"At one point, he did employ a slingshot to fire at an officer what was later determined to be a Hot Tamale candy. The Tamale struck the officer in the neck, causing a slight welt."
Ahhhhhhahahahahahahahaha Too much, absolutely too much! I have to go pee...BRB
Whew! What a relief!
I'm like "Turtletaub" and Captain Kaputnick, I can only tolerate nosy people to a certain point.
Great! Great! Oh...did I say GREAT!
Love You ♥
Renee
-
LMAO
Technology...ya gotta love it...or at the very least, learn to endure it. You so funny. Wanda
Adding your comment:
