Autumnal sighs are ere tracings,
as the leaf I laid on the wind,
sings to your name,
and the gentle murmurs of a white canvas,
are but unheard sounds;
that lie in a fleeting kiss.
Morning dawns in my arms
to hold thy seedling of wilder child,
as crooning thought of scenic beauty,
and the ivory lips of dancing rain,
for the vale and the valley
are my floor, where vixen divinity
does ballet with the blushing moon,
and soon, it is twilight
with bared breasts of spring,
for the wind's gentlest sigh,
is my only salvation.
Author notes
Name: Asfand
ScreenName: Asfand
Middle name: sfa?
Name exclusively for the contest: Mr.Plastic-hot-stuff
Genre of writing: random
Style: divine!:D
Age: 14 and slight half
Sex: *brrriiiinnnggg brrrriiinnnggg* 'sorry sir, that's a high security vault
Why I wanna be here:Cuz ...
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round One by Tangled Angle.
525 points, ended January 1, 2008, 15 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Criticism Is Very Much Welcomed -- I Am Here To Learn
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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288
[out of 10]
originality: 10
creativity: 10
Catchy Title: 10
Transitions: 8 [why so many commas? work on sentence structure.]
[out of 15]
Line-breaking: 14
(Balance of) ideas: 14
Length: 15
[out of 20]
Structure/Coherency: 16
Interesting opening: 20
Effective ending: 20
Universal Theme: 20
Flow: 19
Focus: 20
Passion/Emotion: 18
[out of 25]
Message: 25
Initial impact: 25
Final impact: 24
[out of 300]
TOTAL: 288
-
Hello,
Congratulations, you have made the first cut. I will be making a second cut. In order for you to have a chance at making it past the next cut is to apply for this group. Please look for the information that is required for you to give me, so that you can join; don’t worry, it is only two things: username and gender. This will help me organize making cuts better. Thank you.
Again, congratulations, and good luck.
http://allpoetry.com/group/info/Teen%20Idol%207?stay=1
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This was excellent. One of the best so far.
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Son, it's good to see you back at your very best. You've used some fine poetic device in this piece, subtle alliteration, inner rhyme, assonance and amazing imagery This part:
"Morning dawns in my arms
to hold thy seedling of wilder child,
as crooning thought of scenic beauty,
and the ivory lips of dancing rain,"
is just simply stunning!
Love you always son. Mom
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i thought you were a girl though
middle name: s[a]fa
sex: female.
kidding kiddo, good luck! -
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