So envious of my dream self
with you in isles of emerald
a vision like heaven's beauty
I wish my waking eyes could see
With you in isles of emerald
passion's flame would never be tamed
by the ocean's raging waters
nor heaviness from clouded skies
A vision like heaven's beauty
to rival all fictional lands
fairy tales have spoken words of
or poets have made mention of
I wish my waking eyes could see
lush green grass where we tread softly
eternally locked within grace
lovers never to be parted
Author notes
~ RETOURNE~
Like so many other French forms, the Retourne is all about repetition.
It contains four quatrains (four-line stanzas), and each line has eight syllables.
The trick is that the first stanza's second line must also be the second stanza's first line,
the first stanza's third line is the third stanza's first, and the first stanza's
fourth line is the fourth stanza's first. Retournes do not have to rhyme.
A contest entry
- NO GREENS - ROUND 2 - Invitation Only by Pamela A Lamppa.
3000 points, ended January 20, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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I think you pulled it off nicely! Maybe I'll try it! HA! Should probably master something simpler first...
Anyway, I love the beginning:
"So envious of my dream self
with you in isles of emerald"
This is very cleverly worded! Nice job! -
Such a beautiful vision, rich with imagery and dreams longing desire.
great job
ken
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This is a wonderful contest with some great work
well crafted work here,
Thanks for sharing,
Warm thoughts
Frozentearz -
Omg, this form is amazing! I have tried to do stuff like this but I just can't. You did GREAT! I wish you the best of luck in the contest 
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A lovely retourne filled with greens and simile. Pretty good flow with this one too and a lovely topic. I like a non-rhyming retourne that can still sing.
Counts are spot on.
A very pretty entry. Retourne is wonderful for love poems. Well done. ~Pamela 
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Sentimental and softly spoken.
A flow to this that tugs the reader along gently.
Best to you with this. Blue
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mmmmm shakespeare....
lovely and many happy retournes K x
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how romantic! i enjoyed reading this and i am a fan of retournes to begin with! great job. good luck!
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This is a beautiful love story told in wonderful repeating verse. I believe it would benefit from punctuation, but perhaps that is just the English teacher in me speaking. Good luck in this contest. Peace, Liz
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passion's flame would never be tamed
Under certain circumstances - who would want it tamed? But then there are certain situations in which one would wish they vanished all together - leaving nothing behind and wiping away misery as well. The day such occurs, let me know and we'll celebrate together
Never ♥
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Oh! I love the Retourne and you did so well with this one. The feeling of love is so strong with the image of nature in this poem. Well done!
Love,
Amera♥
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a love story...
a dedication, and written so poignantly, with an air of mystique and thoughts for me to think about.
Emerald is a passionate colour and you have blended it well.
I particularly like the commitment of the last verse. A tribute to a love.
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ohhh hey this is bloody brilliant xx and jesus mark how long is that comment!!!!!! lolol
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Very nice... Great job Brother dear
I am going to try this form ... I have been meaning to. Best of luck in this contest. 
Love,
Delila
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An Ideal Never Fails To Hit The Mark
For a start, I looked up a French dictionary, finding "retourne" could translate as "returned" (past tense), "returning"(present tense) or "may return" (subjunctive sense). Such would have been welcome in a note. But to return to the poem:
*****
OK: a form of using the first stanza as a set of leading lines for the succeedant stanzas. I can't recall the name, nor any other traditional restrictions of the form, so I'll analyse bare of such recollection.
****
8 syllables per verse.
No set rhyme scheme => possible intralinear rhyme or other euphony.
****
I liked the aroma of retinal echoes as I tasted the first verse, and felt it warm my mind a second and third time to the upcoming stanzas.
*****
"quenched" in place of "tamed"? The ocean's waters might be tamed, for they are raging, but the flame? Need it be raging, simply for that it be passionate?
"nor threatened by clouded skies" - for the threat of a heavy sky seems more fearsome to a flame on an island than a raging sea, wherefrom it eddy of itself in seclusion.
The point then is continuity of image and flow from one verb to another's noun, in conflation of inspirations.
**********
Does this islanded vision wish to rival any other, real or dream? This 3rd stanza is one long statement, and "fairy tales" and "poets" are near synonyms in terms of evocation of imagery.
"made mention of" falls flat, almost an insult to poets. "evoked in strivings" would fit the syllables, and be more evocative.
I attempt, humbly, another take on it:
A vision like heaven's beauty
Never fell from grandmothers' mouths
Nor rivalled in chantacleurs songs
Nor poets evoked in their odes
Three sources of imagery to rival heaven's (not the other way around), and I liked the onomatopeia (sic) of the falling flatness of "ode". Anyway...
*****
I like the acceleration of flow in the last line and a half.
*****
Overall, very nice, and I doubly applaud, for the evocation and substantiation of longing for an ideal, and the execution in a form, sans rhyme but with sufficient flow to see it go through the breast, if not to the heart (especially where the subject under consideration seems so cliched, albeit true, an extra oomph may be needed to really carry the cupid arrow home, through the vulgar zone sown with polllution and grit, such that it truly hit, and that hit be true.)
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this is just an amazing write and full of beauty bro. its holds alot within it. well done and best of luck
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beautiful... and beautifully written, but the thing i love most about this poem is i have a recurrent dream about my husband and i lying under a try on a beautifully grassy hill in ireland in a past life doing what lovers do lol... my spirit animal (the doe) watching in the background and giving us her blessing,
hugs,
georgie,
xxx -
Lovers embrace the emerald green! Great lines for such an inspiring opem of love. Good luck in your contest ~Sie
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::jaw drops::
Beautiful....
::breathless::
Write on!
Best of luck in the contest.
~*~SP~*~
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'isle' what beautiful word *sigh*
Nawr ~ this is adorable ~ simple but stunning & simply divine. I just wanna eat it up
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