In a box left on my porch
I found self doubt and remorse
And with no return to sender
I was left with thoughts to render
A contest entry
- critique by ElvenShadow.
300 points, ended January 23, 2008, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your very best by Hope Angel.
425 points, ended December 26, 2007, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~ SET the BAR ~ Anything Goes~ Possible of 5750 points handed out! by Florida Sunshine.
950 points, ended February 24, 2008, 182 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Awesome metaphor! Great job and congrats on your honorable mention
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simple and true and very well written. good job!
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Aren't we all ~ this is very strong with the words you said~ I did enjoy this~ Thanks for entering it in the "Set the Bar" Contest ~ pleasure was all mine ~
Good luck to ya ~ you did great! -
oh wow... short and sweet... or in this case bitter. lol. I loved the last to lines. It was very good. Great job and good luck in my contest!
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mmm, good, i enjoy a short piece of poetry well.
the metaphor is well chosen and the brevity of your poem seems to emphasise the metaphor even more. i'm not particularly fond of rhyme at the best of time, although i i must give you credit for not choosing extremely cliched rhymes, and for not letting obscure words ruin the flow of each line.
the almost rhyme of 'porch' and 'remorse' gently eases the reader into the rhyme scheme.
i feel a wider vocabulary, with some vividly unique words might have done the trick of heightening the experience your poem speaks of. i'm also thinking that more description could have gone into each image. for example instead of just saying there was a 'box' it could have been a cardboard box, or any other kind of box.
it is one trick to leave things fairly simple, in order to let the reader fill in the details for themselves, but i feel some more description would be effective.
also, in the title you mention boxes in the plural form, while in the poem you only speak about one box - while this does give space for the reader to speculate about what other sorts of boxes were delivered, i feel it might be best to keep it constant to avoid unnecessary confusion.
overall this is a touching poem, and as i've said before the metaphor is expressed clearly and well.
thank you for entering this poem.
xx -
Wow
Wonderful imagery here..
All the best!
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