Take it,
take it all.
Take my foolish heart
my eternal soul and my entire being.
Take it,
take it all.
Take what dignity I have
and my whisper of pride.
Take it ,
take it all.
Take my blood stained tears
and my razor blades of oozing pain.
Take it,
Take it all.
Leave me to wither away into eternal nothingness
Draped with my deathly black widows veil
A contest entry
- Pain or Love by XxESPNCHICKxX.
600 points, ended January 13, 2008, 82 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 1234 by yael.
400 points, ended January 25, 2008, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - When Darkness Falls (only 5 days) by MYsecondchance.
315 points, ended June 17, 2008, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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interesting
I like the way it was written to fit the title and
very powerful that is cool black widows veil
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this is WOW!!! this poem blew me away. You did an excellent job with this. the imagery is amazing & vivid. this is quite deep & very thought provoking.
"my razor blades of oozing pain." so much pain just literally drips from this line.
Congratulations on the HM.
love you
mommy
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for 17 year old
Good rhyme good form and excellent thoughts.
The signs of a poet.
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This is very deep. I really liked it. It has such depth and emotion. Keep up the skilled writing.
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this is a really good poem thanx for entering
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"Take it,
Take it all.
Leave me to wither away into eternal nothingness
Draped with my deathly black widows veil"
oooh i loved this. "Leave me to wither away into eternal nothingness." sounds like something that i would write. i am intrigued by the concept of nothing, as well as infinity. this really captured my attention, which for me is a very hard thing to do. haha. i think you did a great job here. go you! lol
~David -
Wow what a very dark piece. you have read a lot of my poetry I realized it going through it. Thank you very much. I love this piece! Well done!
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Powerful emotion in this one, it really held those emotions... And the darkness..
Wonderful job on this one, I like your descriptions
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Great imagery and very powerful poem.
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Oh my! This speaks of such suffering and loss. It's like the feeling being overcome with defeat after a strenuous battle has been given words. This is an excellent poem, you're a real master of your craft!
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An excellent write. Emotive. Visual. Impacting. I particularly enjoyed the phrase "whispers of pride."
A really well done piece!
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yeah this poem definitely conveys an emotion that is familiar to anyone who has suffered great loss i think you captured the emotion really well
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It has a very dramatic feel to it, like it could be part of a stage performance and I say that like its a good thing by the way.... I very much enjoyed this little read. Thank you for sharing it.
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its a good poem
well written, great use of space and stuff.
ryhme might enhance it but its pretty good already. -
I don't think you need to change anything on this (that's just my opinion) I thought it was a quick,powerful read, very good!
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I liked how you said "stained" tears, and not just bloody tears, that made it more interesting, kind of a marble mixture of clear liquid and red liquid, which seems interesting!
The poem also had a kind of sad/solemn voice to it, like the person already accepted what was and wasn't trying to fight anymore, something almost without feeling but with a whole lot of feeling
, seems like a hard voice to capture, but you did it!
GREAT job
diggin it majorly
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its very good, but i feel that you may need an additional line in the fourth verse to make the meter flow, unless of course the abrupt end to the meter is a reflection of the stark conclusion you present. I like it, raw and simple.
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Very powerful!
When I read the eighth line, the word "any" pops into my head. As in "Take what dignity I have and any whisper of pride." But that's just me. It's fine like it is. -
Wow!
What an intense piece of poetry!
Everything was laid out on the table..black and white...EXCELLENT
Thanks for sharing! -
An interesting piece of thought you have penned here. I cannot help but to feel that there could have been something more... Best wishes.!
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This is an old poem, just rewritten
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