The day goes down to dusk
Hours roll slowly by
The sunset catches my eye
Piano chords caress me
Reminding me of falling leaves
And the heart that grieves
In the dark all is quiet
The stillness draws me in
My thoughts still spin
Everything seems so still
Moving too fast to see
The moments pass by me
Has it been a year?
My heart still aches
Recalling my mistakes
The evening slowly darkens
Silently I watch the Night
As it veils my sight
Echoes of love songs ring
Only the silence is heard
My heart knows the words
A weight presses on me
Lingering heavy in my breast
As I look to the West
Just say something
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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*smiles* this touched me luv. I smiled through it and it reminded me also of the mistakes of my past and how I try each day to lift that weight that sometimes suffocates me. *hugs*
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COOL
Because im such a fan for carefully played rhythm, when i started reading this i floated all the way through it because the from was so perfect! I think piano chords are a bit like falling leaves too! And, the darkness as a veil, very very cool imagery! pretty darn good if i do say so yourself.
. Rewarded 6
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Thi s style is perfect for the mood of this piece. Very profound, the passing of time, the slowing of time when alone or sad. Well done.
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very decidedly and decently done
There's a juxtaposition with time standing still and thoughts whizzing by... It's both nice (because it's reality) and it's not nice (because it can confuse the flow when both are played in a short stanza.) If the intent was such, it would have been more dramatically rendered, but I would say it comes form the natural inclination to express what's on the mind, heart and emotions... And they often war with one another, fleeting both those feelings of longings and longsufferings countered with lighting-fast flashes of pains, fears and brokennesses.
Works in our minds, not as well in poems, without that renditional aspect in words...
Overall, though, great poem! Thanks for it!
. Rewarded 8
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I enjoyed the structure and rhyme scheme ...I can tell that you have a natural feel for rhythms and understand the subtleties of rhyme. I think though the stanza:
"Everything seems so still
Moving too fast to see
The moments pass by me"
would work better brought into the here and now by saying:
"Everything seems so still
Moving too fast to see
The moments passing by me"
as well as a minor grammatical issue:
"A weight presses on me
Lingering heavy in my breast..."
rather:
"A weight presses on me
Lingering heavily in my breast"
It is grammatically accurate and has a nice sense of internal aliteration.
Other than those very minor editing issues i believe this write reveals a sensitive and talented poet.
. Rewarded 8
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Hmmm... says a lot it doesnt say. would love to see some authors comments on this... there are so many ways you could look at it. And why the west?
hugs,
georgie,
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wow velvet pure, spirit and time control issue forth from this write in volumes, i particularly enjoyed the metaphor of the falling leaves as i can imagine the sound as they touch the ground, the end is also nicely rhymed, well done, w chocolate and pairs
-JAS
. Rewarded 6
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