Worn--
and faint
(we whisper)
Every morning
step outside, I hope
(I pray) the sun, sun will...
pass right through-- translucent haze
A ghost, a shade, "a shadow". So--
the lines that define can't keep me in.
A contest entry
- A Deep Thought, A Quick Contest by SoldierOfTheCross.
750 points, ended December 20, 2007, 5 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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repetition is a poetic device ^^
But you are right. This form is somewhat restrictive. I just run out of lines. -
You've sparked my interest.
As far as an interpretation, you capture a different side. Using shadow as a synonm (yes, I speeld taht rong) for ghost, I didn't expect that.
But I'm noticing now, the form you used in the end restricts your purpose. Having to repeat words and using filler sylables limits the full potential of what you want to say. You use seven sylables in line nine to say the same thing three times. It does build to a great last line, but I feel in a good poem, every line should add to the value. That should be especially true in a form such as this. Near the end, you seemed to grasp for sylables.
Overall, I liked where you were going. With some more revision, I think this could be a great piece.
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I like the structure of this and especially the last line. Nicely done! Good luck in the contest.
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