Your resolution,
is in the form of inebriant water.
as is my absolution
from the despondence I belay.
I was your salvation,
the one you wanted to keep
you were just a cannon fodder,
it was all the same to me.
I saw you there unsettled,
approached you casually
your eyes were glazed,
your heart was heavy
I charmed you skillfully.
you allured me with your isolation,
and your misery ran deep
so I offered you my pity,
then overturned the pleasantries
Our eye contact was uneasy
a moment before we kissed,
and if these chemicals seal my fate
then I guess that's how it ends.
we lost track of time,
Left the hours to fade,
I let you break down in my arms
I cooed to you
as best I could,
Told white lies, what's the harm?
I never meant to become so entangled
but you'd led me quite astray
I said "there's nothing I can do to console the past
So I'd best be on my way."
"wait, please wait" you whispered to me weakly
I was afraid.
Our roles had changed.
I turned to face you meekly.
you said "I think I love you but I really am not sure"
"you're just naive, it's nothing more..."
You took my hand
and our fingers entwined
then looked me timidly in the eye
And asked me not to go.
Your glossy eyes, enraptured mine.
my apprehension would fade
Synthetic ecstasy was lost to time
and my metal heart was whisked away.
Author notes
This one really was chore to put into words. Other than that I don't think there is much else I can say that isn't already made apparent by the content, or tags.
I hope someone has something nice to say about it, because I put a lot of time into it. I hope it shines through.
-Blue Bard.
A contest entry
- Prompt Prewrites Welcome, But stay on subject by mysticstorm.
475 points, ended March 5, 2008, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Round #1 (enter away) by takemypainaway.
390 points, ended March 22, 2008, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Can you do it? by Randomly Beautiful.
300 points, ended March 30, 2008, 4 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
responce?
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Thank you for sharing your muse.
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very strong and i like this alot
it seems that this was so true
and emotional to write
thank you for entering!!
**kat -
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And thank you for taking the time to comment.
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This made me go "wow". This has such a strong punch, and while it's kind of cliche, it's beautiful and far better than most poems on this topic. The imagery is beautiful and the last line seals everything. There's so much emotion in it, and a great blend of euphoria and disdain.
I love it.
Great job and good luck.
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Ah thanks so much, there isn't anything I appreciate more than some friendly words of praise. I'm glad you liked it.
But admittedly, it is pretty cliche haha.
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hey
that was really good i loved it
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Well thank you
It was difficult to write, but I'm glad you got some enjoyment out of it.
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that was a very nice poem oh and my mom wants to know how old u r because if ur to old 4 me then im not allowed to talk to u
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wow. OMFG this is like amazing. Great job you can really tell u put a lot of time into it. It flows so well and very descriptive. It's my favorite poem of yours to date. I love it!! Great job please write more like this one it was a true jOy tO read!
"stay gold"
gabi =]
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You always leave the best comments Gabi, and as always, thank you for being so kind. I really don't write poetry very often, but I hope you like the next one just as much
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well writ'...you've done a great job of giving a captivating narrative of a very personal and emotion heavy tale. Not an easy thing to do, by any means.
There are a few technical things that I see that might be improved;
1. for "is in the form of an inebriant water." to read properly, you need to remove the "an"
2. The third stanza causes a bit of a break in the flow of the piece set by the first two. I'm not sure if this is intentional or not, but if it isn't, I would advise changing it.
3. the lines "I said 'there is nothing I can do to console the past / So I'd best be on my way.'" are very well written and hold much depth. However, I think the slight change of "there is" to "there's" would add greatly to the subtle move of the stanza. The same is true for the line "'I think I love you but I really am not sure'" (I am to I'm)
4. Lastly, the first line of the final stanza does not need the comma (having it there causes an unnecessary break in the rhythm of the poem. "my apprehension would fade" would be in the proper tense if it was rephrased as "my apprehension began to fade". The last line would be at its strongest form if the first word was changed to "was" rather than "and".
And there you have my technical critique of the piece. Simply my own observations, and I really have no formal training in the art of poetry, so take it as you will. Overall, an excellent write. I enjoyed reading.
-Thefallout
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and this was a prewrite, correct? [will comment when all 25 entries are in]
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