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Oh captain ( new version)

Oh captain ,my captain This war is ours to win.
You have done wonders for our generations kin,
No one will defeat.
For this is the winning side as the opponents fall at our feet.
Oh, captain, my captain this will finally done.
President Jackson and company  had already been hung.
My captain what is next slavery is abolished today.
We all hear the hoots and hollers people acting oh so gay.
Oh ,captain can you hear the shouts on the shore.
They are all for you and your great deeds and of subsequent lore.
So many of things you’ve said and done.
Never our sides have been ordered to hide nor run.
Oh ,captain, in the Fords Theater
America the beautiful
Is being played as you fell.
Get that man the shouts are heard.
But you barely hear a word.
Slowly your eyes do shut.
And our country mourns.
The loss of My captain .
Hear the funeral horns.
Playing just for you.
All do come with the exception of a few.
Oh captain ,my captain You have fallen this day.
You brought hope and happiness to this country with sunshine and ray .

Author notes

http://www.bartleby.com/142/193.html
Oh captain my captain

I am annoyingly preppy in the mornings
Rawr monkey
notsotorturedartist

A contest entry

constructive critizism welcome

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Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • Luminescence
    March 2, 2008

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    Again.... you have a lot of gramatical errors in the peice... Otherwise this was a nice piece... I have a feeling though that I have read it once before on the site... (you don't know how many times I get dejavu reading poems lol) okay and now for the scorings.

    Title- 6
    Diction- 9
    Syntax- 6
    Wowness Factor- 7

    Total-28

    Thank you for your submission into my contest and good luck.
    ~lumin


  • N e a r
    February 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    You make this man sound so realistic, and if he is, this is a wonderful tribute. You did an great job at giving the detail that is needed for a poem, and such a beautiful poem in honor.

    Thanks for sharing & entering your write in A N Y T H I N G ~ G O E S ! Good luck!

    M a r l u x i a


  • Shancy Fayre
    February 1, 2008

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    I can find no criticism for this fine poem. It takes the reader to a new place. I really enjoyed it. Shancy.


  • vampireblood
    January 31, 2008

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    This was a good piece. But I agree with "the hill in bloom" when you said people acting oh so gay, I feel as though that it was a low point in the poem. But thanks for entering and best of luck to you in my contest.
    ~Vampy~


  • hilly
    January 29, 2008

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    people acting oh so gay

    that was a real low point of the poem, i thought. thank you for entering but this is not what i'm looking for.


  • Celtic Legend
    January 12, 2008

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    this is wonderfully rewritten. i love how you have fit the historical events into this poem. it tells a great story of out beloved president lincoln

  • Mercury Rising
    January 1, 2008

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    A wonderful historical narrative piece that was a real pleasure to read. Best of luck in my contest, and keep up the wonderful works.

    D.M.


  • infinitechaos07
    December 31, 2007

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    I really like this poem... It's not too often you see a poem that tells a story that truely seems to put the reader right into the event taking place. I love you use of imagery and flow. Thanks for entering my contest, best of luck!


  • Knight70 silver member
    December 17, 2007
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    Very well done!!

    This is just fantastic. I just love how this classic piece inspired you to write the captain as Abraham Lincoln. I've always considered him one of our nation's greatest heroes. Without him, our nation might might still be divided. The historical references in this are brilliant. Bravo!! Don

  • pozo
    December 16, 2007

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    This was an excellent entry. I felt that the addition of America the Beautiful emphasised the patriotic theme of the poem. This write made the context clear, for example the mention of slavery being abolished. I felt this was helpful as you’re using a persona from the time and as it’s now a historical poem so it showed what you were talking about well. This was a great poem, I felt it was very optimistic. It kept to the same topic as the original and the same form/repetition of ‘oh captain’ as well.
    Thanks for entering
    All the best
    Pozo

1 - 10 of 10