You're the smoke of a chapter
floating from fire faded from a wick
you're the sharp edge of the knife
that I've dulled with thoughts of
promises left blowing in the wind.
"Madam, to this soul, be kind -
now that your affection has warped this mind
Take caution in the things you do
I'm sensitive - hopeful.
Lick softly, speak gently
be true.
Let me live"
Said you.
Who'd have thought
You'd be
capable of making teeth rot,
and with razor sharp tongue
to climb every single rung
of lie's ladders
and to sweep lungs dry of breath
and to cease wars by
offering this heart
(which was never really yours,
by own choice)
and this love
(genuine or faux -
I do not know.
silent
with no voice) ,
to the death you asked to be pardoned of.
Author notes
Yeah, I know.
I can't write worth shit anymore. My muse has died. My inspiration has stabbed me. Words fail me, like everything else in my life.
I just babble. All the time. Everything I ever say is babble.
Enjoy the babble. It's the only thing that keeps me grounded on sanity.
See? Still babbling....
In a list
A contest entry
- Not So Happily Ever After (Romeo And Juilet) by HereComesTheSun.
950 points, ended February 13, 31 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Positive: you had really good wording and i really attached to the poem and the emotions showed your muse dear is not gone if this is bad i cant wait to look ya up and read good :]
Negative: use coma's and periods they are your friend and help keep the pace one a roller coaster.
great write thank you for entering in the contest -
Well, as you asked me in your IM to point the few clichés I found out - here I am
Thank you for not bashing me because I've said that by the way
Anyway, here goes:
Line 3: "you're the sharp edge of the knife".
Not frequently used within a personification, but 'sharp edge of the knife' is something I've seen recurring frequently in poetry - most darker ones actually.
Maybe a suggestion for this -> paper. when you stroke against paper in a certain way, it can as well cut your skin. Something I haven't seen used actually, or maybe a few times.
Line 17: "and with razor sharp tongue"
Razor sharp is as well a 'cliché' that comes too often around in darker poetry. I've got some very abstract ideas for this but I'm pretty sure very few people would love them. I'd use a saw for example, or some other tool that can cut through things
And those were the two little things I was talking about
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I'll work on it. : )
Thanks for your input.
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You might see this as babbling, but I rather experienced this poem as a powerful rant, a strong expression of your feelings actually.
You have some very unique imagery and metaphors in this one, and though a cliché slipped in here and there, I do like this one
Thank you for entering the contest, I wish you the very best!
Leander -
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Well...I think you're a bit
for thinking this is just plain old babble. I know what babble is and it's what I write when I can't write...check out my I can't Write poem. Now that's babble...go on...dare ya!!!
Dari xxx
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fuck, that was good. sorry for the language but it seemed very befitting.
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I am so sorry.
I sometimes feel that if I have ever wronged anyone in the world, it is you.
But at the same time, I feel that we both saw this coming from a long way off. I feel that one of us had to do both of us a favor. I am no good for you, reni.
Find someone deserving.
I love you. Please, be in touch. -
ummm hello
Reni - if this is bad writing....my god child! I'd love to see what you define as good
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About Time
I got around to commenting on this. You knack of cleverness and metaphor always amazes me and stirs my jealousy as well you know.
Actually, this is very well crafted since I know what's happening and has happened just a bit. Ummm, not babbling at all ma'am. Nicely written.
Love ya,
Grampapi
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♥
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this is pretty good for one who has a dead muse
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this is obviously very personal, something that you are writing about that does not apply to everyone. it was clearly something you needed to let out, so thanks for sharing
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