She wore green,
like maiden,
Woven,
cloth
over little breasts
and slim,
heart-shaped
corset.
But not like these.
From gentle hands
her sleeves were rolled up.
She played strings.
But not on the lap
of plenty
full blue skirts
and not as the cameo
profile of porcelain
not French-braided
or handpainted
but for under her
eyes, which looked down,
lined with Rhapsody blue,
counting time.
She sketched
reverently
but with a bright orange pick
and with fingernails,
like moons, like blisters, bent.
She wore no perfume
except for the pine trees
dripping from the guitar.
Author notes
*POW* The theme is sort of a comparison between a girl of today and one of long ago.
I commented 'A Passionate Shower'
A contest entry
- Last * Poem of the Week* for 2007! (POW) by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended December 18, 2007, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - your best work composed over the last twelve months by Lute.
600 points, ended January 9, 2008, 68 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Prewrites From December 2007 by amaranthine lover.
800 points, ended January 11, 2008, 40 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - for the poets who think they can write imagery (pw allowed) by abuyi.
1200 points, ended January 24, 2008, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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imagery is wonderfull.. thanks for entering and best of luck
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thank you!
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I extremely liked this, there was a dulcet tone about it, very fluidic and the imagery was very real to me, I could picture it completely, thanks for entering
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this is beautiful...it's very creative..every line is amazing, I can totally see her playing it, and it touches on all the senses!!
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content 7.3
vocabulary 9
accuracy 7.4
creativity 7.5
theme 7.8
originality 7.5
totals: 46.5 -
I can't say that I hated your format, but my question is...why? I'd say you must have had some reason behind it, and I'm very curious what your intentions were. Some of the staggered lines might have been effective, but in general I think this would do much better left aligned.
There's something about your poem that highly appeals to me. Your theme wasn't completely clear to me just from reading the poem, but I think most of that comes from the capitalization and punctuation. Working on those would help guide your readers through your thoughts a little more and maybe quite possibly improve the flow to perfection.
The imagery is wonderful. I especially loved your description of her fingernails. I still have a few entries to go, but I will say this is going to earn the only full 10 points I've given in imagery for this PO contest thus far.
You have a very well rounded entry, with no major deductions in any category that would bring the score down. I don't recall seeing you in the PO contests before, but I do hope you'll join us again, especially in the POY coming soon.
Good luck and best wishes,
~J.
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Hmm... I'm not very fond of the capping
and I'm definately not fond of the format.
But other than that??
This was a pretty good write :) I love the images that you paint and the comparisions that you drew. Some punctuation stuffs, as E'lodie pointed out, and I agree with the title, as well :-)
But over all, this stands out
which can only be a good sign :)
Good luck
* grammar - 9.7
* syntax/flow - 9.7
* understandability - 10
* uncommon theme - 10
* overall impression - 9.8
* effectiveness of title - 9.3
* ability to hook reader - 9 (the formatting)
* ability to follow rules - 10
* presentation / visual appeal - 9.1
* effective use of poetic devices - 10
Total: 96.6
OUCH! The hook took you down a good fraction of a point
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Watch out for capping every line! It's generally a no-no.
I have to agree with bear that I originally was turned off by the spacing, but I don't hate it on the 2nd or 3rd read.
I would have liked a bit more punctuation, saw some errors here and there.
I can see where you were trying to go with the title, but I really feel that a piece like this should be topped with something more creative.
The one thing I would work on is drawing in more emotions. How did each of these girls FEEL when playing the guitar? How did that change over time? etc. I can see a good deal of potential!
So many great images coming through here, like the juxtaposition of the girl's reverence with her bright orange pick, or the profile of porcelain. The phrase "Dripping from the guitar" was pure magic!
This will do quite nicely on my scoreboard
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I loved the format is is shouted "idealistic" to me. Your notes added the timeless element, good luck in the contest
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Timeless
Insightful combination of now and long ago--what we are on the outside and what our soul says inside. It is reassuring, and the imagery evokes a smile of pleasure, whichever time.
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Beautifully penned....
Best wishes in the contest!
Write on!
*PEACE*
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Beautiful ~
When I first saw this entry, I went.....OY!!......as the Fromat is NOT one which I would choose.........
......but, you penned this so well, that I enjoyed it even more the second time around ~
A splendid job on bringing me into your monitor and wanting to read more!
This is in the Top entries thus far ~
Whether or not it scores well on the board is another question, as it depends on the areas which I look at ~
I Really enjoyed your Theme!
I give you Props for making me believe in this entry and everything you penned ~
A wonderful balance of *Show & Tell* to comfort the Readers senses in every detail ~
One thing I am NOT a fan of, is the Capping of every single line, as the FLOW is completely fumbled, IMO ~
Other than that, I think I am more anxious than you to see how this scores on my Board....let's see, shall we?
Good luck with your entry and your talents,
Bear ~
Title 9.85
Flow 9.7
Depth 9.95
Theme 10
Feelings 9.75
Grammar 9.85
Presentation 9.85
Uncommonness 10
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.8
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 98.75
Nice job!
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