Smoke and ash
rise from burning belly
'neath heart of earth,
sublime sea of rock
Come again to remind
we stand on diamond forge
and dust is destiny of all things;
every life moment we share
is our defiant answer to coming night
we too have belly fire, and glowing hearts.
Author notes
Prompt: Photo prompt posted on contest page.
In a list
A contest entry
- Ten x Ten x Ten - Quickie by CarolDesjarlais.
700 points, ended December 16, 2007, 3 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Yes, yes, yes. This is so true. I like that you chose "DEFIANT answer." The addition of that one word adds such force to the determination to live according to the fire. Well said.
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Smoke and ash
risen from burning belly
'neath heart of earth,
sublime sea of rock
Come again to remind
we stand on diamond forge
and dust is destiny of all things;
every life moment we share
is our defiant answer to coming night
we too have belly fire, and glowing hearts
Congrats on your silver! I like the last line very much. I think there are a few places you could tighten this up a bit to make it more powerful for example:
L2: risen ? could you not use the present tense rise?
L3&4: you have two of's lined up and that word sort of diminishes the short lines descriptions, could you say something like:
'neath heart of earth
sublime rock sea ?
Like the internal diamond/remind rhyme.
L7: dust is destiny (do you really need "of all things?"
I think in a poem this short called volcano the words should be pared to the most powerful explosion of imagery possible to give your reader the best experience.
Just some thoughts .. thanks for the read.
Merry Christmas,
Lisa
. Rewarded 8
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thank you-
for reading and taking time for such helpful comments; so very much appreciated...PK
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This is a great win!
I love the last stanza, especially "every life moment we share is our defiant answer to coming night..."
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Thank you Zayra
always wonderful to hear from you...PK
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Thought I have left a comment here...
See a volcano in human lives...how well thought!
Loved the belly fire line. As the center of our body, and in my opinion, of our emotions, a belly has such a great significance, which is often ignored.
A burst of energy and ideas in this poem.
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Oh really well written iamgery..... I hope I always have a belly full of fire in some way.,
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Great write Good Luck
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