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Forever Love

 

I sent a rose to you my darling

let it make you smile

I picked it from the freshest bush

to show I had ...class and style

.

I kissed you with these tender lips

to feel my warm embrace

and held you with the most gentle touch

hoping to leave a glow upon your face

.

My heart opened up to let you in

while keeping the beat so soft and kind

For I know this love I give to you

is the best you'll ever find

.

My sincerest words may sing like a tune

to the far edges of your heart

and this precious love will last for us both

just as it was from the very start

 

Author notes

*POW*
lasting love was my inspiration

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Arkbear gold member
    December 20, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Wow ~

    This is most different than the original version I have read ~

     

    I felt a strong relationshipto the write....as I enjoyed it very much ~

     

    Thanks for sharing again,

     

    Brother Bear ~


  • trista silver member
    December 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is a pleasant and enjoyable read, but unfortunately...nothing that gives it the "wow!" factor I want to see in a theme so often written on. However, I think the point of view you write from is unique; normally I would expect this to be in first person, so this was a great surprise. It made me wonder who you were speaking to, if someone in particular or to all your readers as a whole, with some romantic and lovely advice.

    In addition to points the other judges have brought up, this is very light in imagery, which I do use as a category on my scoreboard. You may also want to look at using "the most" twice in your second stanza. Not a huge deal, but the repetition did stand out a bit to me.

    I believe this has gone through an edit, before judging started...I seem to recall a different title and ending? I can't say for certain how much of this has changed or even if it's a different poem altogether, but I believe there's been an improvement already, especially in clarity.

    Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck. I too hope you'll join us in the POY.

    Best wishes,
    ~J.


  • sans.paroles
    December 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Biggest grammar critique is punctuation. I think this piece COULD stand without it, but I confess I think it would make the piece better. I'll leave it to your authorial instincts.
    I too am disappointed to take off points for small things like POW and theme in AN
    I would have liked a bit more emotional depth. There are some implications (i.e., the glow on her face, etc.) but I do want to feel an emotional pull. This is a perfect piece for it.
    The rhyme was a bit out there for me; I too prefer a subtle rhyming that simply flows off the (mental) tongue. Nonetheless, it wasn't painful by a long stretch, and was even charming at times.
    I'd like to see you in the POY! Look for a bit more uncommon of a theme, and try to make it your own. I can see you beginning to do that in this piece!


  • cutiepie gold member
    December 17, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    It is always nice to be reminded of true love Good luck in the contest


  • zach egide
    December 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    The *rhyme* jumped right out at me on this one :-(

    I prefer the more subtle rhyme, something that doesn't shout RHYME HERE to me.

    I like to go back, and think, ***hey, that rhymed***

     

    The lack of punctuation wasn't too bad, as Bear pointed out, but remember that it does help moderate flow for your reader... but no worries this time, as I said, because the flow is superb :)

     

    Theme ~~ cliche'

    It's okay to use an overused theme, but you have to give it a special twist, and you didn't

     

    :-(

     

    However, there was something in this poem that struck my heart, and that's always a good thing ;-)

     

    Thanks, and good luck!!

     

     

     

    * grammar - 9.4

    * syntax/flow - 9.75

    * understandability - 10

    * uncommon theme - 8.95

    * overall impression - 9.4

    * effectiveness of title - 8.9

    * ability to hook reader - 9.6

    * ability to follow rules- 8 ((ouch!))

    * presentation / visual appeal - 10

    * effective use of poetic devices - 9.7

    Total : 93.7

     

    Not bad, but two points for the rules :(

     


  • Arkbear gold member
    December 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Hey Bro ~

    It is so good to see you again, as I have wondered where you got off to ~

     

    Well, welcome to the PO' contest!

     

    :)

     

    I shall say, this is going to be interesting to critique your work ~

     

    Most of our entrants have already been down the road of Bears reviews......but you have not, so please do not take this as a personal attack against your entry, but as a review of personal opinion ~

     

    Here we go!

     

    I think this is a great entry,.......and your rhyme is nice, but I felt it was very elementary and very predictable concluding each line ~

     

    Loved your Theme, but a little on the cliche' side ~

     

    I enjoyed your balance between *Show & Tell* ~

     

    Punctuation is not an issue this time, as you penned this so well grammatically, that your lack of punc was not really noticeable ~

     

    You also forgot to place your Theme and the *POW* in your AN ~

     

    PLease Bro, no editing until after all your Judges have reviewed your work :)

    There is really not too much more I can say about this entry, as it stands as a solid entry, but lacking a few things we look for here in the POW contest ~

     

    I wish you the best with your entry......and it's so good to see you Dude ~

     

    http://www.DestinationPoetry.com is so close to opening ~

     

    This week we are focusing on Front Page function ~

     

    Good luck Gary,

     

    Bear ~  

     

    Title   9.55

    Flow   9.6

    Depth   8.9

    Theme   8.45

    Feelings   9.25

    Grammar   9.85

    Presentation 9.85

    Uncommonness  8.75

    Sit & Ponder Affect  9.1

    Ability to follow Rules  8

    Bears Score: 91.3

     

    Not a bad score....will it win?....probably not, but it is a firm score, and you have 2 other Judges coming behind me as well ~ 

     


    • getsbetter
      December 17, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Hey brother, Thank you for an honest crituque. I did put the POW and wrote true love in the AN place, I don't see it, but did put it there. Again, thanks Bear for a great review...GETS

  • piccola
    December 16, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    awww this is so sweet and warm. The rhyme is great too.

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