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Searching

like music

unleashed in conducted chords

I search for your memory mixed with mine

hidden on a different side of life

like whispers sliding from the edge of paper

 

the fog is thick-

I am unable to see clearly

rearranging words in smooth syllables

trying to describe you in my mind

I fold my tears

tuck them away, sailing aimless in the night

 

in a circle of dreams

my compass seems broken

beauty is distorted,bent

and there is a hole in the side of my bow

my boat rocks in sweet rhythms of poetry

 

I feel all of your pieces

in an erosion of my thoughts

aromatic cinnamon smells saturate

my senses as I say your name

in crisp winter breaths

 

in the depth of a heartbeat,

I know

you’ll think of me; an odorless soul

in your dreams

         spinning around life cycles,dizzy-drunk 

                 on an uncharted course

flowing with currents

        as time slowly bends

with my name on the tip of your tongue

 

sunlight thins,

orange seeps slowly into the sea

greeting a yawn in still breaths

dark stains of my ripe heart flush

against a superficial matinee playing in my head

as I drift trying to navigate

 

 with only words

 

 and a broken compass  ~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

Prompt: POY
Theme/ Topic: Searching for meaning in life


I combined two prompts- I hope this is alright.
Prompt: 1) Broken Compass
Prompt2: 2) "In this silent tide, we're driftwood passing by." - Kamelot

In a list

A contest entry

Critique Please

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 31 of 31

  • SignifyingNothing
    August 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is beautiful. very well-deserving of the trophies it won. I love this bit

    "aromatic cinnamon smells saturate
    my senses as I say your name"

    what absolutely awesome alliteration! Some really great things going on in this poem. I think you have real talent, and thanks for entering.


  • Riftkin gold member
    August 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    the imagery in this, weaved together with the words, is just absolutely sensational, best of luck to you with it


  • poet2angels gold member
    March 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is beautiful!
    Such a masterpiece filled with gorgeous imagery and gorgeous language and flow...
    I love this and see why it won gold!
    Congrats

    Lynda


  • Randomly Beautiful
    March 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Such a soft, lovely flow. I love the broken compass idea. For we have all felt we've had one....


  • StarLightResurrects
    February 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    nice

    very emotional and very descriptive


  • maralisa silver member
    February 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    wow a great write inmany levels of live


  • Hetha gold member
    February 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Very nice imagery, and such wonderful flow, this is amazing!


  • And Hyetal
    February 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This poem seemed to just flow with the tide. It was peaceful, and I always love to read poems about poetry.

    Great imagery... I could actually feel and see everything described here.

    ~Cassie


  • Patched Up Ragdoll
    February 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    congrats on the bronze. this is a really interesting form and you're really brave to try new things. I liked the imagery. kewl.


  • grannyeri gold member
    February 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Liked this creative use of space, the wonderful verbiage used, the flow and the alliteration used throughout these lines. Two bronze are night, but I am sure this will get more accolades before it is put to rest.

  • piccola silver member
    February 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "like whispers sliding from the edge of paper" that image is sticking with me for some reason. What a nice image. Thanks for sharing this with the group


  • amaranthine lover gold member
    January 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    ***

    Well I am very glad that you entered this piece, it's exactly what I enjoy reading. I think that it should have one gold instead! Your sense of imagery in this, weaving together with the words, is just absolutely sensational, really, you could not have picked a better choice! Keep writing my friend and thanks for entering


  • Jim Berkheiser
    January 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    In the first stanza you talk of searching another's memory and this made the intent of the poem less lear to me. You seem to explore the meaning of life while exploring the thoughts of a third party. Without being more specific in intent, I believe you drift. It seems to me you took the easy path in selecting a title.

    Clarity: 9.0

    Structure: 10.0
    (rhyme & meter)
    (line breaks & structure)

    Grammar: 10.0

    Punctuation: 10.0

    Use of Language: 10.0

    Poetic Value: 9.0

    Uniqueness: 9.0

    Impact: 8.0

    Theme: 8.0

    Title: 8.0

    Total: 91.0


  • trista gold member
    January 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Yes

    This worked for me. I loved the wording and imagery, and though the layout in general is questionable to me, I think it's what made the poem work without punctuation. Nice job!

    Good luck and best wishes,
    ~J.


  • Jim Berkheiser
    January 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Yes

    Good luck.


  • Arkbear gold member
    January 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Yes ~

    Ditto on Zachs' comment ~

     

    Good luck!

     

    Bear ~


  • ZachP gold member
    January 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Yes~

    A bit risque' to enter a poem without punctuation, but, somehow, you've managed to keep the flow going well.

    Best of luck~


  • Swan song gold member
    December 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This was just lovely, My I sailed on sensual seas with this lovely poem. I am floating in a balloon right now
    I'll let you know when I come back down.http://ak.imgag.com/imgag/product/thumbs/3125816a.gif" width="38" height="38">


  • LadyDementia gold member
    December 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Lovely imagery within this piece. Congrats on the bronze. Very well penned. Good luck with it in the contest and a very Happy New Year!


  • aboomer silver member
    December 30, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful wording and great images! I enjoyed this.
    Best wishes in the contest.


  • Cupcrazy gold member
    December 30, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Beautifully written hun, loved it Bunny

  • vertigo beat
    December 21, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    .


  • raggyann
    December 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this was awsome
    i loved this alot
    you worked this poem
    your images were outstanding
    and your word choice was great
    this poem was written so well i liked this poem just like you wrote it i woulnt change a thing


  • Tam
    December 16, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    wow...

    well done!
    you combined two prompts into a magic of your own...
    I'm impressed! you have an excellent voice within your words...
    this deserves jewelery indeed...
    Blessings! Tammy


    • Arkbear gold member
      December 30, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Hi Tammy!

      I wish you the best New Year ever!



      Bear ~

      • Tam
        December 30, 2007

        Edit | Reply

        hello handsome teddy bear!

        BIG HUG...
        how are you, sir?
        May the new year bless you and your family with health and happiness...
        for you are a DOLL!!
        Love, Tammy
        xoxoxo

  • Liquid memories
    December 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    thank you, hope you were able to reach your destination with compass, in steady boat. all the best in the contest.

  • tara wilson gold member
    December 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I really like the pacing of this poem...

    "my boat rocks in sweet rhythms of poetry"...
    "as I say your name
    in crisp winter breaths"...

    I really like these lines..
    there is so much in this poem that feeds the senses..
    and the folding of tears.....

    you have some really amazing lines in this poem..



  • luvdrkchocolate
    December 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Oh. This is a really nice poem that you've got here. I like poems with the sea. This one gave the impression of two people that have been seperated from each other for awhile and so the memories of them have become more dream like and elusive but still kind of ached for. I don't know. Maybe I'm way off but that's the impression that I got from it. The words were very simple and pretty. I thought you did a good job of expressing yourself here.


  • AlwaysbeBIG
    December 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Very cool

    No, that was very cool. It's actually encouraged, but I didn't feel like saying it in the rules, I was just going to see if anyone did it or not.

    This poem was well written.
    "my compass seems broken
    beauty is distorted bent -broken
    and there is a hole in the side of my bow
    my boat rocks in sweet rhythms of poetry"

    Those lines stuck out at me. Only thing in this poem that caught me as awkward was...

    "my compass seems broken
    beauty is distorted bent -broken"

    The repetition of broken caught me in a wierd way.

    But all in all, a very good poem. Thank you for entering, and good luck

  • Rowan gold member
    December 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    How can it not be?
    wow.

    You are really coming into your own hon...
    stunning to watch, and appreciate.

1 - 31 of 31