Once upon a time in a far away land,
there was a boy with a book in his hand.
And in this book was a story to say,
of that young boy and his love that day.
And it starts like this, with that very same boy,
and a girl in his life who brought him great joy.
they met through a friend at a picture show,
she had a smile on her face and in her hair a bow.
But she was taken, so nothing was said,
but deep down inside the love was bred.
They became friends, because of that night,
but as all friends do they got in a fight.
it started with tears, hope seemed to have gone,
but they made it through and their love grew on
They became close friends, which lasted a year,
until their relationship simply changed gear.
They got kind of close, became the best,
until their love, they each confessed.
He wanted to ask, but she did not,
and so he waited and started to plot.
He bought her flowers and was going to ask,
but she still wasn't ready and gave him a task.
"12 days", she said, "is what you must wait",
"at the end of this time perhaps we can date."
and so on the twelfth day the deal was made,
and this came eleven one less day delayed.
ten days did pass and wait did he,
but his opinion was set, on his mind was she.
Nine came and went, followed by eight,
seven flew by, soon they might date.
Six days came and turned to five,
Amazingly enough, their love did survive.
Four days now, the countdown began,
and now but three days! Oh how time ran.
It ran away and changed to two,
so many days had turned to so few.
the last day came, the last day passed,
and now was the day, not the last by contrast.
He went to her house, knocked on the door,
he started to grin at the smile that she wore.
He opened his book and started to speak,
and after a few words it coloured her cheek.
But speak did he and told his tale,
how he lasted the days and did not fail.
and at the end, he said the words;
the sound of lovers to song of birds.
"My heart for you unlocked, I give to you the key,"
"For now the time has come, Please go out with me?"
She pulled him to a hug, holding him tight
closed her eyes and cried "yes" with all her might.
And now it's this I say, I hope by now you see,
the girl in the poem is you and the boy is me.
Author notes
Okay. I want this to be as perfect as I can possibly get it... I've been saving all my points for a massive contest, but this is WAY more important to me! so I'm going to throw everything into this.
Please help me make it perfect. what should I change? what doesn't sound right? what makes you want me to stop talking?
I love this girl, she wanted me to wait until the 25th of December to ask her out, and so I shall... I have 9 days to make a moment perfect.
Special thanks to Amunet Wolfbane and AnnD! with whose help this would never have been spotlighted.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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awww baba this is to perfect dont change it at all
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omg that was perfection.. ull do great!!!
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this is a beautifully written poem. Me, I wouldn't change any of it. I think its great the way it is. but then thats just me. I loved this, it kept me reading. I was compelled to keep reading to see what was going to happen.
good luck on Christmas, though I think that you will do just fine.
again great job. congratulations on the spotlight
kathy
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WOW!!! is all i can say. you are amazing.
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OMG!!!!!!! I LOVE THIS POEM WITH A PASSION THAT BURNS!!!!! lol...yeahh i think its totally perfect. dont change ANYTHING!!!
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This is so sweet and adorable and heartfelt and I don't know who would be sensible enough to turn this down!!
I do have just a few suggestions, concerning some word choices:
I agree with The Vampyre Erzebet about changing "in her hair a bow" to "and her hair in a bow".
The line "and this came eleven one less day delayed" sounds a bit awkward, perhaps you could fix that a bit...
I would suggest changing "He came to her house and knocking on the door" to "and knocked on the door"
However these are just minor things so it probably doesn't matter much... and these are only suggestions after all. Really though it is so sweet and if I were in the girl's spot I would never, ever be able to turn this down! Amazing job here!!
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Aww!
This poem was great! It was so cute and sweet 
I liked this story and hope it doesn't end but goes on happily forever 
GREAT job
diggin it majorly
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loved it
i liked this alot..kept me interested the whole time..
great poem =]
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the only pointer i can give you is to put it away for weeks then look at it again with fresh eyes and then you will see for yourself what warents changing, that said though i really liked this, the whole idea of counting down the days works really well and the form is good, i think this poem has something i like it ( :
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This is priceless A beautiful poem for a special love. Patience is a virtue and you're sure showing yours in a most gentlemanly way. A wonderful piece and congratulations on the spotlight... this poem deserves it
Dee
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it's great. it flows very well, though you stumble a bit on line 8. it'll work a bit better if you say "and her hair in a bow." and the rhyming is a tad rough. but other than those two things, excellent work!
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A very fine write. Your work in this one is as good as it gets. I enjoyed the story that with it. Good for three big ones
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This is so sweet,,,,,,
You are sensitive and thoughtful,
and you can write.
The girl is yours.
You shouldn't change anything, your whole
heart is in this and that's the way
it should stay. -
OMG
I Love It So Much. You Should Be So Proud Of This Work.
It Has That Total Aww Factor Without Being Really Cheesey
I Love It But I Already Said That.
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How could she say no to this.......
This is absolutely beautiful Ash, it is written with such wonderful feeling and love, there isn't girl who could not be sufficiently impressed with it and you.
Damn, if I weren't so old, I'd take you up on it for sure.
No one ever did such a lovely thing as this for me when I was young. I sincerely wish you the best for the big day
Ann
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Top Notch!
Ash,
This is a fabulous piece. It is so beautiful and full of your heart. I don't see how anyone could say no to this piece. You can feel the love shining through it and if I weren't WAY too old, I'm try and steal ya away hehehe It's gorgeous! Truly it is and one of the most precious gifts is that of the heart, yours is most certainly on display here. Be very proud of this!
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very emotional piece
A gallant effort at a fairy-tale poem. The girl should be flattered...
There are a few spots where the rhythm might be tighter, perhaps the rhyme is slightly forced..I am not certain. I'll give it a few more reads and see if I can offer anything more concrete in terms of suggestions, but it is a sweet story.
Best of luck with the lady.
Mat
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