You stir me up and I can’t hide
against the tempest rising
slowly - with each exhaling of the tide,
As the encircling air
drapes scent of fresh wet brine,
enwrapping this smothering hotness
of petrified summer days;
White curling lace in deep whorl’s spin
crashes upon the seashore
in sprinkles, gliding down my skin –
the fallen robe of seagulls,
wings vaporous and free
Fresh veil entwining down my feet,
entangling foam
of quenchened sighs
breathes in and out upon the wakened
scratches of burnt sand lines,
while lumps dissolve
in filmy substance,
shifting along the floating tide.
Wash, wash away the shore in pristine whispers,
smooth new born ground under your veil,
beneath the abiding vastness
of the dark blue sky,
As falling drops turn into snowflakes
floating gainst gravity of time
Full cling your heartbeats to the rhythm
of the dawning seconds
winding down sand’s spine,
tremorous fingers grasping for
shimmering pearls of moonlit water,
sparkling above this rising
swirl of abyssial blue
cloaked by your chalky skin.
Heart - floating, timeless and anew
Unchained, yet clinged to your warm breathing
against the salty air,
For this one swirling moment
stifled in between
the numbness of the daylight
and turmoil of the gloom
Author notes
theme: momentary happiness
'Transatlanticism'
A contest entry
- Last * Poem of the Week* for 2007! (POW) by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended December 18, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Moment in Time (contest by sinnastarr) by Sinnastarr.
590 points, ended December 31, 2007, 39 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For the love of god CONFUSE ME by h202.
450 points, ended February 10, 2008, 64 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - SEEKING AP FAMILY by Three Doves.
525 points, ended February 25, 2008, 36 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Happiness is only temporary by BellaD.
950 points, ended July 6, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything Goes....Or Does It? by lowercase prelude.
1500 points, ended July 8, 2008, 62 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Peaceful piece of life. by l33t-n1nj4.
580 points, ended July 14, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Something Different! by Trent plus pen.
800 points, ended August 19, 2008, 50 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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I really love the imagery of this piece. It tend to draw out a bit and lost my attention 75% of the way through.
However it is a terrific and powerful write with a strong use of language.
Well done and thanks for entering!
Trent
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that was good...I could see every moment when I close my eyes.
Very well written. very peaceful...very soft
good job I really liked it -
Beautiful imagery in this piece
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You have used a lot of powerful, beautiful imagery in this. It seems to move in soft waves echoing the speaker sitting at the shore with legs in the surf. The part that through me a bit was the snow falling in your 6th stanza...You start off with
"enwrapping this smothering hotness
of petrified summer days" Maybe it simply needs a transition to show the return to the same location in winter time?
Lovely poem and thank you for your entry.
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Thank you very much for your comment. I thought of the snow more like a metaphor for lightness and freedom than for winter time.
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This was very very good, I love the imagery you've used!
My favorite lines were:
White curling lace in deep whorl’s spin
crashes upon the seashore
in sprinkles, gliding down my skin –
the fallen robe of seagulls,
wings vaporous and free
Thank you very much for entering, and good luck! -
Perfect
Thank you for entering the AP Family my sister your heart speaks volumes and the imagery flawless a true poet indeed I liked the way you went from a casual rhyme to free-verse keeping the tempo. I took in each line as its own breath anxious for the next and the whole poem works well. I love the way you closed with your last stanza, "Heart - floating, timeless and anew Unchanged, yet clinged to your breathing against the salty air, For this one swirling moment stifled in between the numbness of the daylight and turmoil of the gloom". Gifted talent.
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"fallen robe of seagulls" is my favorite line. not sure why, but it's pretty awesome. this is more or less exactly what i'm looking for, cuz i really don't know what the hell is going on here. i'm not really focusing that hard on understanding it right now, but it's going on the finalists list for now and i promise i will look at it more closely and with more effort later. for now thanks for entering though and i like much
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Very soft, fluid write. Great imagery and well planned use of sound device.
s and best wishes always... ~Genie~
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I see you shortened it. This was a very good piece. I don't know what you took out but it sounds very complete as it is and I think you should leave it like this. It read very elegantly. You really captured a moment here. Very good imagery.
Well done. Thank you so much for entering my contest and I wish you the best of luck. -
Although I love various elements of your write, I had an extremely difficult time pulling everything - the title, noted theme in your AN, and the poem itself - together. "Snowflakes" in your title, yet except for a brief mention two-thirds of the way through the poem, the imagery seemed concentrated on an ocean or other body of water.
The imagery is wonderful, but like some of the other judges, I don't feel there is enough "tell" to give me a point to it all. You may have intended this to me a highly metaphorical write, but I personally feel it requires just a bit more clarity and direction.
The punctuation wasn't a huge hindrance to the flow, but I'd still like to see a few periods in there to allow that gorgeous imagery to really sink in as I read.
There's so much to like about this that I truly hope you'll take some of the suggestions you've been given and polish this into the gem I believe it could be.
Good luck and best wishes,
~J.
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Thank you and all the other judges for your time and helpful feedback! You're all doing a great job with this contest.
I see now my poem needed a conclusion, to wrap things up and clarify the ideas in the other stanzas. I hope the title is clearer now, though I see this only comes apparent towards the end. I also tried to add some more 'tell' and emotion for the ending. With good critique there's always place for improvement
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You're somewhat inconsistent with capping lines. Also, a few grammar/punctuation errors I saw.
I have to agree with the other judges. Your imagery was so stunning, and some amazing metaphors took place. Nonetheless, we do need a bit of tell to guide us. A bit more clarity would help!
Also, look to give us a bit more insight into your feelings at this time. Grounding this piece in emotional depth could help your balance of show/tell, if you use the tell and the emotional insights in synchrony.
I also am disappointed to take off points for not putting *POW* in the AN.
You show so much potential here that I do hope to see you join the POY!
This has strong powerful imagery, and really just needs more focus to make it amazing! -
This held a calm...a feeling of walking along a lonely beach late at night, listening to the sea sounds as salt water seeps through toes and sand disappears under the weight of feet. Good luck in the contest
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What the heck is this about??
That was my thought as I fell into this poem... and you gave me no resolution... and it seriously threw it off for me... and that will affect a few areas of my scorecard ~
Punctuation, fine; grammar, fine :-)
Flow, pretty good :)
No POW in notes ~ a full point off :-(
Thanks for your entry, and good luck
* grammar - 9.8
* syntax/flow - 9.9
* understandability - 9
* uncommon theme - 10
* overall impression - 9.4
* effectiveness of title - 9.8
* ability to hook reader - 9.2
* ability to follow rules - 9
* presentation / visual appeal - 9.8
* effective use of poetic devices - 9.5
Total: 95.4
Could have been better!!!
Double check the rules next time ;)
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Nice job ~
The thing that I saw first in this entry.....is the fact that it is so full of *Show*.....and hardly any *Tell* ~
Lots of Imagery is great, but when there is only Imagery, then a reader can be left without any direction in which to take this beauty ~
I felt a sense of emptiness as I veered my way through your entry, as I was looking for your Theme, and it never really seemed to make a solid Splash upon your page, or upon my mind ~
I think you have a lot going on in this entry, and I would have liked to see you take a more *focused* approach, rather than so many areas of interest to distract in each stanza ~
I think your other Judges will catch quite a few areas which we look at in the PO contests.....such as not placing the *POW* into your AN ~
NO EDITING!
:)
The other thing I want to say, is that I can see your Quill has some powerful Ink, and I hope to see it spill more Ink in the POY contest coming this week ~
Good luck to you and your entry,
Bear ~
:)
Title 9.65
Flow 9.8
Depth 9.25
Theme 9.75
Feelings 9.15
Grammar 9.85
Presentation 9.9
Uncommonness 9.85
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.1
Ability to follow Rules 9
Bears Score: 95.3
Good job!
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I like the images in this. You've done well with wording them to create a mental image for the reader.
I especially like,
'Tremorous fingers grasping for
shimmering pearls of moonlit water,'
A very lovely image.
best of luck to you in the contest.
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