How could you leave us all behind?
How could we stay when you're not there?
Our hearts explode like fireworks;
They penetrate the air.
I'm left here with a tragedy
Guess no one ever saw
That you were plotting your own murder
And enhancing every flaw
Fragments of your soul were spilled,
You couldn't take it anymore,
You thought you were a fuckup,
Now you're lifeless on the floor.
The world stops spinning;
The thunder, it crashes;
Time is on pause,
And the lightning, it flashes.
My heart in my chest,
It violently thrashes,
And all I have left here,
Is only your ashes.
No one will know what happened;
You had fallen from God's grace,
The world was screaming pestilence;
But now you're in a better place
You speak no more, you breathe no more,
To witness this, I cry,
What the hell was our Lord thinking?
Didn't He know you were too young to die?
The life drained from your face has left,
You'll never return, you will only decay,
Forever in my memory,
And silently you slip away.
The world stops spinning,
The thunder, it crashes,
Time is on pause,
And the lightning, it flashes.
My heart in my chest,
It violently thrashes,
There's nothing left now,
I can't embrace ashes.
Author notes
December 15, 2007.... One of my favorite songs is called "Rachel's Day" by the Smashup. It's about a guy's friend who dies and how he reacts to it.... It kinda got me thinking.... What if my girlfriend died? How would I react?.... So this was kinda inspired by the song and her.
4.Write a rhyming poem.
A contest entry
- Last * Poem of the Week* for 2007! (POW) by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended December 18, 2007, 17 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Enter Your Best- PW Allowed by Nothing Is Forever.
375 points, ended December 27, 2007, 42 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options and Options and Guess What More Options! by neoladyem.
550 points, ended March 1, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Gold Trophy denied!...... by whispernthedark.
780 points, ended January 22, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 52 of 52
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i think this poem lacks the creativity and originality that i'm looking for in this contest. it will probably be removed, but thank you for entering anyway.
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Great write. Thank you so much for sharing and entering the contest. Good luck.
♥
whisper
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Thats so deep. And so sad, A good write
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You used some powerful words and thoughts here. The poem flow does remind me of a song. The detials were well done too.
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cool
it's all shiney and stuff...Lots and lots of emotions going on here. It did make me think of what would happen in my girlfriend died...That would suck so much.... anyways...nice thinger -
The emotion is very strong in this piece. It also has wonderful flow to it too. Well done for this. A very heart-felt and emotional piece of writing.
All the best
Wayne Leon
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it does feel like a song lyric... it's sort of got rythme amd momentum... great stuff! some really good lines.
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i LOVE this poem ... i love all the emotion in it and the wording... i love the part where it says
"Fragments of your soul were spilled,
You couldn't take it anymore,
You thought you were a *bunny*up,
Now you're lifeless on the floor."
this is my faviorite poem on this website great jo -
sad very sad but good at the same time i like this, thanks for entering
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as a member for about 3 yrs but only under diffrent names this is by far i mean by far one of the most amanzing poems ive read. your words hit me like a shadow in the middle of the night. it reminds me of who i use to be and who i am now. i cant wait to read more of your poems and no matter what any one says about the way you write with raw emotion is beauty to a razor blade.
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awww Thank you!
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This is wonderful. Your rhyme is great and I love the visual of exploding hearts. Congrats on the honorable mention. Great write!
♥
whisper
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lovely lovely lovely poem.
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I love this. It is powerful, and asks questions many people wonder. Beautiful write.
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Very well written and a very powerful choice of subject. You drag the reader in and completely throw this in their face.
Really well done!
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Powerful
At first I thought this was about that young guy who shot all those people in an Omaha mall, then shot himself.... So much tragedy and violence in this society nowadays - your poem brings it all home. Lousy times we live in.
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I love it!!! id give you clapy smiley things but im saving up!!! please return the favore!! thnx
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I honestly think this coul've been written better. I've seen you write way better poems than this. I think you should work on this more. It was okay.
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wow... its amazing what we come up with when we start thinking about something. good job!
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that was deep i really enjoyed it
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hmmmm...this was truly amazing!both stucture and style are very challanging and equally orginal!it intriduces the reader into a very intriguing atmosphere!I also loved the attitude in here!well done indeed!congrats on tha HM!keep it up!
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Transcend All
Groovy Write! You packed a lot of emotion in this piece. Let's prey that will never be the case, to loose a love this way would be tragic.
Great job!
Namaste'
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What an amazing poem, The emotion alone makes me see how people would feel if my attempts accuatally worked.
Thanks
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Such a sad tale, yet a beauty was also found.
This poem bitter sweet in a good way.
What a wonderful write as always.
Love and Light.
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awww. that's a really great poem. I loved the 'can't embrace ashes', the most. The cause of this poem is nice as well.
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Wow. Beautiful rhyme. Intense repeated paragraph...and fresh last line. Heart-wrenching, in fact. I especially loved the beginning in its semi-abstract form, but that's just my personal preference. Thankfully 'twas a song that brought this on!
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omg that gave me a lump in my throat......
i esp like the 4th stanza -
Awww... What a sad thought. It was a great poem though. I definately enjoyed it. The rhyme was magnificent and you portayed your meaning wonderfully. ^.^ Great job.
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this is really good.
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wow! really well written. you have great rhyme (unlike myslef
) and it seems like fairly real emotions. so good job. add punctuation to help the flow and keeep writing! i hope that never happens to you!
Candace -
aw
thats sad. very vivid and heart felt. lots of light analogies. and lots of thrashing.
plotting your own murder, that's an interesting way of looking at it.
overall, good write. keep up the gutsy emotion. -
Wow
This poem is raw and sad. I felt like crying. There is just a lot of emotion in this and it was very well written. Best of luck. -
Hi A...'sFlame,
Being 17 you cannot escape the senseless tragedy of sucidie. In the US there are 12 a day. Some will be people you know, some will be people you know about, most will be by strangers. In all cases you are not in any way responsible. In all cases you are not a human being unless you feel something. Your lines:
"The life drained from your face has left
You'll never return, you will only decay
Forever in my memory
And silently you slip away" nail it. But the lines above this wonderful excert are repetious, somewhat contrives, self serving (as expecte), and frankly boring." I would work on this poem and keep lookoin at it from the point of an unaffected reader as opposed to from your feelings that you want to share with others. No one want to be the recepient of anotherss pain, in any form. Sucide poetry is not a thing to share unless it is done somehow beautifully or somehow painlessly hopefully. Think about it somemore, be the reader as you write. What would you want to read, to feel? What would put tears in your eyes but not pain? How can I convey this you must ask yourself. It is easy to write what you feel, it is hard to write what you think. But one thing I know, you can think because "You'll never return, you will only decay
Forever in my memory" is great think and zero feeling and the the reader via your thoughts becomes the feeler, like I did, and you my dear become the poet.
Your friend's poem sucks, but not as bad as my poems did when I was her age. best wishes - bill -
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Thank you very much for your advice and input, sir!
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wow this is great and yet really sad at the same time i love the way this line relates to me, it was a great discription:
It violently thrashes
great work this is well done
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Realy, really a heart felt poem indeed. You brought out intimate emotions, that every one feels upon losing dearest. We are spell bound at once. Thnak you for sharing your feelings
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First thing I noticed was the language. This is a personal preference, but to me that is just not meant for poetry. Poetry is all about finding unique ways to express yourself, and cursing just isn't different, interesting, or unusual. Anybody can curse. Prove to us that you can be more than anybody!
Avoid capping all the lines! It really helps the flow if you cap the way you cap in prose.
I found a few grammar mistakes, so do a reread for that. Also, message me if you want to know specifics of where there are errors!
The title was simplistic, but effective.
I think the flow was mostly good, besides the capping/grammar previously mentioned.
You expressed your theme perfectly. I echo the other judges in saying that it is the way you express your theme that does make it unique.
You have some gorgeous imagery and beautiful phrasings. I love the imagery of a heart exploding into fireworks. Also, the line "And silently you slip away" took my breath away! So many of the images and words you use really transcend anything I've read about this same theme.
A truly worthy piece. -
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I agree with the cursing ~
Well explained "Lodie
Bear ~ -
Could you point out my grammar mistakes please if it isn't too much trouble? I can't find the errors!
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Ok, grammar notes:
Firstly, don't cap all the lines. Unless you're doing form poetry (i.e., sonnet, kyrielle, rondel), poetry should be capped like prose. In other words, only the beginnings of sentences are capped.
Also, you're a bit shaky on punctuation at times.
Line 3 should end in a semicolon and line 4 should end in a period. Line 5 should end in a period or a semicolon. Lines 9-12 could end in periods or semicolons, but since it's sort of a list, I would recommend ending lines 9-11 in commas and then line 12 in a period. Line 13 should end in a semicolon and line 14 as well. Line 15 should end in a period or a comma. Line 16 should end in a comma and line 20 in a period. Line 21 should end in a semicolon and lines 22 and 24 in periods. Line 25 should end in a comma. Line 26 would look good with a colon at the end. You could put lines 27 and 28 in quotation marks. Line 29 could end in a comma or a period. Line 32 should end in a period. The last chorus is a repeat, so I have the same punctuation suggestions as for the first chorus
Why punctuate? It's good to punctuate because it helps to regulate the rhythm of the poem. Full stops (periods) force your reader to stop a little longer and really consider the force of your words. Also, it's good to punctuate poems because they have the same grammar rules as prose! Now, this is your poem so some of these lines you may want to avoid punctuation for effect, and that's your call. I simply provided you with the correct punctuation for every line, and you can choose how to use that!
Line 6 should really be "I guess no one.." because otherwise it's a fragment with no subject. Also, starting a sentence with "guess" sounds a little slangy.
That is all I'm seeing right now. You already fixed the typo trista found. The lines "And all I have left here/Is only your ashes" sound a bit redundant to me, because all and only mean more or less the same thing in this sense. But it isn't glaringly repetitive, so I think it could work.
Hope this helps! Message me for clarifications.
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I like to cap all the lines though! It's just... how I write!... I like doing it that way and that's how I've done it since I started writing.... And I wanted the "Guess" part to sound slangy... I put slang in my poems sometimes.... I corrected most of the grammar errors or I tried to. Thank you very much!
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oops, one last thing~
In the second to last line you have a typo: "nothig" should be "nothing". -
The capping every line thing is obviously up to your authorial partiality, in the end. I used to do the exact same thing. I would say that you should at least try it, and see what you think of it. I did, and found it to truly enhance my flow and composition. In the end it's up to you to decide, though!
The punctuation looks good!! Hope my comments helped
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Beyond what Bear and Zach have said (which I agree with) I loved how your repeating stanzas have a slightly different rhythm than the others. I don't see this listed in a lyrics category, yet it is something I can easily imagine being put to music. Generally lyrics end up being more "tell" than "show" but this has such a wonderful mix of both, keeping the poetic feel.
I only have one question: In the lines "In violently thrashes" did you mean "It" instead of "In"?
Looking at your AN and realizing this is actually a fictional write for you impresses me with how well you've related. The ending line is wonderful, really tugging at the emotions.
Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck in the contest.
Best wishes,
~J. -
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OH YES... I did mean "it"... thank you for pointing that typo out. I'm gonna fix it.
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I found this most poignant...the depth and emotion was intense. Good luck in the contest
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The perfect mixture of metaphor and pain, spread out upon parchment.
It's hard for me to not take this a personal way, as I know too many people that do drugs (my brother was offering me some earlier, in quite a serious way), and it touches us evenmoreso, when the person who is doing them is close to us, and they're burning away their lives.
This *is* one of the best reads so far, and as bear said, this has been done a million times, and you've brought this to such a level of amazing-ness, it's hard to not feel your words.
I'll let my score say the rest :)
Best of luck
* grammar - 9.9
* syntax/flow - 10
* understandability - 10
* uncommon theme - 10
* overall impression - 10
* effectiveness of title - 9.85
* ability to hook reader - 9.9
* ability to follow rules - 10
* presentation / visual appeal - 9.8
* effective use of poetic devices - 9.9
Total: 99.35
A fitting score :)
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Thank you for chosing the POW contest.......
......over your other contest ~
As I said in my review below, I think this is the best read thus far ~
This Theme has been done, over and over.......but you sure placed a whole new view upon it, without all of the cliche' wording ~
....well most of it is common.....but there is a way you placed the words for such a great Flow, that it was gentle and made me think ~
It was not in my face ~
Your closing lines are a Gem......as this is something which millions of people are going to relate to ~
No editing until after all your other Judges review your work :)
Very nicely done, good luck to you and your entry,
Bear ~
Title 9.95
Flow 9.75
Depth 9.9
Theme 9.95
Feelings 9.75
Grammar 9.6
Presentation 9.85
Uncommonness 8.75
Sit & Ponder Affect 10
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 97.5
Nice job ~
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This was the best read thus far..............
......but...........the rules are very specific about having your entry in another contest at the same time as the PO' contests ~
I'm so sorry ~
Please join us next week for Round 1 of the POY contest ~
Bear ~
DQ ~
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OH I'm sorry! If I take it out of the other contest, will you accept it?
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Absolutely ~
.....thank you for asking,
Bear ~
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Great write, rich emotions you you have shown. I love the ending, very powerful. Best of luck to you in the contest
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