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In a Puff of Smoke.

Three hundred and sixty four
pass by,
in haze of frenzied work and toil.

Where prayers and wishes
come to pass,

for good small people,
lassies and lads.
They have written letters short and long,
to one old gent,

with scarlet on.
He reads them all from far and near
and as the wind blows he can hear
their deepest wishes
whispered low,
then posted through the chimney flue.
If one believes, as children do,
in magic times and faeries too,
where eyes light up with wonder bright,
it really is a magic sight.
And as they hang their stockings high
they leave a carrot close near by,
a glass of milk a cookie too,
sits waiting as the clock strikes two.
Three hundred now and sixty five
as Rudolph flies across the skies,
with precious cargo piled so high for children sleeping,
no peeping eyes.
A fashioned doll,
a train that's red,
a book of stories to be read instead,
a baby's pram a bat and ball,
all made by Elves and helpers small.
A job well done! on this clear night when Santa called,
sleep well,
sleep tight.





Author notes

POW
Subject: Magic Moments.

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 15 of 15

  • sans.paroles
    December 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    A few grammar errors, places where punctuation is lacking, etc. Do a quick reread.
    Hate to be redundant, but my biggest issue was the same as the other judges': the speed of this write. It just flew by, and you have some really great stuff here! Punctuate a bit more; give us room to breathe and reflect.
    Also, that list towards the end got a bit long in my mind, especially when the piece isn't super long itself. You don't want a quarter of your lines to consist of a list.
    Title was great; sweet and whimsical and everything I could want for this piece.
    I agree with trista that a few of the lines streeeetched too long. Keep an eye on that. Between that and punctuation, your flow just needs a bit of help to really get going!
    The feelings you already have going are good. Draw those out more; give the reader insight to the emotions running through this piece.
    Your theme was well-evinced. Somewhat common, but your approach is what makes it unusual and enjoyable!
    I would try for a bit more imagery. You tend towards just telling us the images, instead of really describing them. Nonetheless, you provide some great ones! They really ring true.


    • cutiepie gold member
      December 18, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for your terrific critique Yes, 40 lines rather " squashed" the message but I shall keep trying to get the poetry as it should be after the contest closes. Thank you for the time spent judging, it is appreciated


  • Cupcrazy gold member
    December 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wonderful imagery, engaging story filled with richness. great work hun and good luck in the contest. hugs, Bunny


  • trista gold member
    December 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Ahhh, what a fun read! I really enjoyed this, and no doubt my young nieces and nephews would too.

    Although I like the "quick read", I do agree this is magical enough I'd like it to last longer...which I think it would do, if you hadn't been restricted to 40 lines. Do I detect a couple of lines "scrunched" together to make it fit?
    "with precious cargo piled so high for children sleeping" seemed like a very long line compared to others, and I wondered why you didn't line break after "high". There are a couple of other line breaks I think you could toy with, but it's a rather minor thing.

    "close near by," seems very redundant...

    Otherwise, very nicely done. It brings out the child side of me just reading this!

    Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck.

    Best wishes,
    ~J.


    • cutiepie gold member
      December 17, 2007

      Edit | Reply
      ..thought I would try to lengthen entry and then found it too long so had to do a bit of "scrunching" but after judging will return it to original length .. Many thanks for your kindness


  • Deke
    December 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Wonderfully well-written!

    CutiePie This is a wonderful poem about hanging stockings for the jolly old elf in red. I didn't feel that it red to fast as some of the others did, but it wouldn't hurt it to have punctuation. I sincerely loved it, and I am not so much on this type write unless it is one poking fun at the idea of Mr. Claus.
    Great work my friend!
    Damon


    • cutiepie gold member
      December 17, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you Sweetie I have missed you, hope you and yours are well Glad you enjoyed this as it has to be one of my favorite pastimes writing for children.


  • zach egide
    December 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    **woha!**

     

    This def. needs to be slowed down... I went through it very quickly, and scarcely breathed :)

     

    A magical poem, but the magic is being burned away so quickly, when I want it to linger!

     

    That's really my only qualm with this wonderful scribe :)

     

    Thanks for entering, and good luck :)

     

    * grammar - 9.4

    * syntax/flow - 9.1

    * understandability - 10

    * uncommon theme - 9.65

    * overall impression - 9.6

    * effectiveness of title - 10

    * ability to hook reader - 10

    * ability to follow rules - 10

    * presentation / visual appeal - 9.8

    * effective use of poetic devices - 10

    Total: 97.55


    • cutiepie gold member
      December 17, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much for your constructive comments, as always, very much appreciated


  • Arkbear gold member
    December 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Ahhh ~

    Such a wonder of Imagery to fill this special POW contest ~

     

    I do think, if you go back and re-read this entry, again, though, you will find some areas which need to be slowed down, as this seems to want to be such a quick read........but I took it on the other foot, and slowed it down to a different beat.....and it reads soooo much better when punctuation is added to slow the Reader down ~

     

    Watch that word....*small*....too uncommon to repeat ~

     

    Not sure as to why you did not rhyme.....and then you did.....and then you stopped again.......but ya know.....I have written some like this.....and it just seems that the words fit, so why mess with 'em :)

     

    Good job on this, and I wish you the best during Judging ~

     

    Peace,

     

    Bear ~

    Title   9.15

    Flow   9.75

    Depth   9.25

    Theme   10

    Feelings   9.5

    Grammar   9.5

    Presentation 9.85

    Uncommonness  8.8

    Sit & Ponder Affect  9.45

    Ability to follow Rules  10

    Bears Score:  95.25

    Not bad :)

     

     


    • cutiepie gold member
      December 17, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you Mr.Bear. My apologies for the rush but I was trying to beat the 40 line ban and had to scrunch a tad Glad you quite liked it though


  • aboomer silver member
    December 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Love the images and the 'feel good' quality of this. For children, it is a magical night.
    This reads nice and is full of wonderful images.
    best of luck in the contest.


  • LadyDementia gold member
    December 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Magical! Beautifully worded. Best of luck to you in the contest

    • cutiepie gold member
      December 17, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Many thanks for your kindness Delighted that you enjoyed

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