'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
But is was all for naught cuz St. Nick wasn't there!
I was getting pissed at Santa as the kids lay in their beds
With visions of Resident Evil 4 dancing in their heads.
Mama in her Marilyn Manson shirt, and I in my cap,
Had just passed out drunk for a long winter's nap
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
I thought it was the cops so I flushed my stash.
The glare of police lights on the new-fallen snow
Made the street look like Chino's prisonyard below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a SWAT truck and a team in full riot gear!
They were chasing someone and boy was he quick!
I thought, "What the fu**? That looks like St. Nick!"
Like their asses were on fire, his reindeer they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On Cupid! On, Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Get me outta here or it will be the end of us all!
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the reindeer they flew,
As Santa yelled, "It's me, Santa, you idiots you!"
They all lowered their weapons with shame on their faces,
And said, "Sorry, but we just can't resist high-speed chases.
Please forgive us, Santa. Really! We didn't know it was you!"
And Santa said, "What? The reindeer weren't enough of a clue?"
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I grabbed my A.K., and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
But there was no big, red bag of toys over his back,
So I said, "Yo, wussup! Where's our **ckin' toys, Jack!"
His eyes had no twinkle! His dimples weren't merry!
The fat, old bastard's nose was as red as a cherry.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow.
He just laughed and said, "Fool, don't you know?"
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his rack,
I thought he was gonna ask for some of my crack.
He had a broad face and a round, little belly.
This sucker spent way too much time at the deli.
Man, what a blimp! Some kind of overgrown elf!
I pointed my A.K. at his face to protect myself.
Then the fool winked at me and twisted his head!
"No, I don't know! Why don't you tell me?" I said.
He said, "I'm still making my rounds, doing my work,
But with a message this time, so listen, you jerk!
The list of good children grows shorter each year
Because of parents like you. That's why I'm here.
To bring you a warning of a very troubling trend.
It seems childhood innocence is coming to an end.
What do you think they do when you're not home?
The Internet is worse than any dark alley to roam.
And the video games that you think are good fun
Fill their minds with depravity. Wait, I'm not done!
TV used to be a thing the whole family could enjoy.
Now all it does is corrupt, denegrate and destroy.
Production is a lot slower at my toyshop these days.
What made America great now just slowly decays.
It's hard to find a child the disease hasn't affected
And the worst part is, it usually goes undetected.
'Tis true that progress is a comfortable disease.
Mankind accepts ugliness with remarkable ease.
He so willingly surrenders the purity of his soul.
Morbid curiosity and lust remove all self-control.
And adults who lose the innocence they once had
Don't usually make for the best moms and dads.
Having forgotten the wonderful sweetness of youth,
They let their own kids become wild and uncouth.
My list of naughty children is now so horribly long,
I had to try to tell parents like you what is wrong.
Seventy percent of my elf staff are now unemployed.
Even the North Pole ice caps are all but destroyed!
Oh, there are still some good boys and girls out there.
Even in this cesspool, some good parents are still aware
That the fragile bubble of innocence must be protected
So I can bring their kids toys and they won't feel rejected.
Those are the rules that I have no choice but to enforce
Though it hurts me to cross names off my list, of course.
Children aren't to blame. Adults control what they do.
I just hope things change or Santa's toyshop is through."
Then, laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a shout.
I was trippin', wondering what all that was about.
So I tried to bust a cap in his ass as he drove his sleigh out of sight
And he yelled, "See? That's what I mean. This sh** just isn't right!"
Mark Rickerby
http://www.markrickerby.com
In a list
A contest entry
- Parodies of "The Night Before Christmas" by Fairy Nutty Buddy.
600 points, ended December 22, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Christmas With The Hunters by JeannieD Hunter.
1000 points, ended December 17, 2007, 5 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Joy to the world!!! 1,000 christmas poems wanted!!! by Elvenfairy.
3265 points, ended March 1, 156 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Funny & Sad
Starts funny and ends up sad. But very thought provoking.
Please forgive us, Santa. Really! We didn't know it was you!"
And Santa said, "What? The reindeer weren't enough of a clue?"
Loved this line, it cracked me up, I love your style of humour, its very British for an American. -
ah, white trash christmas story! This was very amusing. I got a good laugh out of it. Thanks for entering my contest. Sorry it's taking me so long to judge, but as you may be able to imagine, it takes a while to read so many poems and pick out the very best. Merry belated christmas!
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Thanks! I had forgotten about this one. Glad you enjoyed it. Merry belated Christmas to you, too. And happy 2008!
Mark
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Outstanding
You need more then a gold trophy for this one my friend. This is Diamond or I'm not a man. Your prose hits the target as sure as an arrow. It's a crying shame we can't force them to the straight and narrow.
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Awesome message! Funny and serious at the same time. Very well done. You are very talented. Thanks and good luck!
J and J -
This is so funny and so serious at the same time. I think you have done an excellent job and thank you so much for your entry!
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Thanks, FNB. Glad you enjoyed it.
Mark
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This is the kind of poem that makes us laugh, have serious though, laugh again and once more think about serious matters.
It's sad to know that so many parents don't give a damn to their children, and so the cycle goes on from generation to generation.
Lost of innocence comes too soon now.
I'm feel happy when I see Tess acting like a child, because that is what she is, a 15 years old child, even though she looks older, her mind is right at her age
You brought up a society problem in an amusing way, with this funny, clever and real poem.
Well done my happy wanderer friend
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awesome! Perfect balance of humor and seriousness...with a powerful and sadly true message.
Thanks for sharing this, I loved reading!
happy holidays!
Michelle
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Thanks, Michelle! Same to you. Thanks for being such a good and constant friend this year. I hope Santa brings you everything you want this Christmas (I'm sure you're on his "good" list
) and I hope all your wishes come true in 2008.
Mark
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Marvelous Rickerby commentary!
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What child is this?
Yep, a lump of coal if we be not good,
a thumb of the nose and wink in the hood.
Not surprising at all should he light a fire,
send us all up in smoke, appease his ire.
But just the same, less material consumption
makes way for more love, if we have the gumption
and time for the kids is a marvelous joy ~~
could redeem futures of each girl and boy.
I appreciate so this message, it's clear
Christmas means giving more than one day a year.
It takes vision and conscience, insight for sure,
if we want life for our children to bless and endure.
Change sometimes seems too little, too late
But still, love in action makes Christmas great!
Love your heart, Mark! Hope your holidays are blessed.
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Thanks for the additional stanzas, Karen. They're perfect! lol Looks like we're on the same wavelength again.
Merry Christmas!
M
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"And adults who lose the innocence they once had
Don't usually make for the best moms and dads.
Having forgotten the wonderful sweetness of youth,
They let their own kids become wild and uncouth."
~ * ~
"I tried to bust a cap in his ass as he drove his sleigh out of sight
And he yelled, 'See? That's what I mean. This sh** just ain't right.'"
Leave it to you to be all serious & hilarious at the same time, dear Scribe. Grand penning, my Friend. Indeed, Merry Friggin' Christmas. 
Good luck in the contest, Sweetie. Ahhh, you crack me up. 
Wanda
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And once again, my dear friend Wanda is the first to respond to my postings. Hope this wasn't more preachy than funny. I went on a rant, as usual. lol
Merry Christmas and Happy Happy Happy 2008!
Mark
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Baby, you preach, rant & rave all ya wanna. I'll come by to enjoy your words, no matter what. Besides, no matter how serious your subject is, you can't help but inject your very own brand of infectious humor. It's funny, alright. I snorted Coke through my nose. The beverage, of course. Anytime, Scribe. Happy everything to you & yours, Marky L.
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Mark is just marvelous, isn't he? I had to smile at his sobering wit, too. ~ Karen
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