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Total Bliss - Kyrielle

 

 

Into your two strong arms I run,

For my love, you’re the only one.

My thoughts are only of your kiss,

Here my heart is in total bliss.

 

Your touch shall meet no resistance,

Joined now, we will go the distance.

Nothing on earth compares to this,

Here my heart is in total bliss.

 

Without your words I can’t exist,

Tender your love, I’ll not resist.

Our bodies crave what they do miss,

Here my heart is in total bliss.

 

 

Author notes

THIS IS FOR MY INSPIRATION, MY HETANE. MAY HE RETURN TO ME SOON. LOVE TO YOU MOODAYO-OKOHKE.

Poem and background by freespirit51

Kyrielle form, rhyme scheme aabB ccbB ddbB
And has an eight syllable line count.

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 21 of 21

  • xxRainbowDawnxx
    February 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very beautiful write. It's so hard to pull off good form poetry, I know, but this was really nice. It made sense too, which is important as sometimes people will just string words together that sound nice but it doesn't work, but not in this one

  • Whispering Wind gold member
    December 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Another master piece for your Hetane...sighs...the love just flows from your pen to my heart...pulls a little tear for your loneliness...Breath Taking my sister and the background so perfect


    • freespirit51 gold member
      December 21, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Tender wolf

      Thanks again for your gentle words my sister. I am glad you enjoyed the piece. You know from where I write it.


  • transit
    December 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wow!

    i love the sensuality in this piece. when I read the author's notes, I was amazed by the rhyming scheme. When I was reading the poem, I could recognise the rhyme but not the whole gist of the rhyme.

    I like how the poem seems to be pointing to one point about passion butis expressed in different ways. well done. best of wishes in the contest!


    • freespirit51 gold member
      December 17, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      transit

      Thanks so much for your kind and generous words. I am so glad you really enjoyed the poem.


  • Animarising
    December 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    The feeling comes through strong and sincere in this piece, well done. I'm compelled to make one or two negative comments though.
    The rhymes are a little everyday and 'ho-hum' which threaten to rob the lines of some depth. For example, the first two lines of st.1 read a bit like a Celine Dion song: "Into your two strong arms I run, For my love, you’re the only one." The imagery is too familiar, the rhyme very obvious. I suggest it could work in another part of the poem, but for me it's not alluring enough as an opening couplet. Similarly: "Your touch shall meet no resistance,
    Joined now, we will go the distance." Well, it may be me, but 'go the distance' makes me think of a boxing match - this may not be what you had in mind. If it is, I apologise!

    I really like the final line repetition though, very strong, it really hammers home the central image of the piece without overcomplicating it.

    Finally, the forced meter of "Our bodies crave what they do miss", placing the 'do' there is not in keeping with simplicity of the rest of the poem and therefore stands out as something slightly anachronistic and technical - ie. disruptive to the directness inherent here.

    Hope that helps...






    • freespirit51 gold member
      December 15, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Animarising

      Thanks for your kind words and many suggestions. I have considered changing them a ssuggested but I think because this is the way I feel and they are not just simplistic words, that I am going to leave the opening couplet as is. As for the word distance. It is meant as the two joining in loving acts they will go till the end. ANd as for "DO" I never thought of it as being a forced meter. It just seemed to go there and meet the 8 syllable count.

  • WhyNot
    December 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Aww, this is really nice! I like how you repeated "Here my heart is in total bliss" after each stanza. Well done!


    • freespirit51 gold member
      December 15, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      WhyNot

      Thnaks for your kind words my friend. I am glad you enjoyed this piece so much. I must give credit to My inspiration. He has inspired many of my recent poems.


  • GoodKnightPoet
    December 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Here my heart is in total bliss is a good feeling to have. I like this poem very much--you did well. Keep on penning.


    • freespirit51 gold member
      December 15, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      goodknightpoet

      Thanks for your very kind words. I am glad you enjoyed it. I'll keep penning-you keep reading.

  • Kari gold member
    December 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Awww, this was so sweet,beautiful, and very well done I liked this and I wish you the best of luck in the contest


    • freespirit51 gold member
      December 15, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Kari Kennedy

      My friend I thank you for you very kind words. It is so nice to knnow you still are reading my poems. This is inspired my MY HETANE, he has been my inspiration for many of my recent poems.


  • TwiztidMaggot
    December 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wowww. I love this! I could dedicate this to my boyfriend! lol. great work! best of luck in the contest! keep up your amazing work!

    Crimson

    • freespirit51 gold member
      December 15, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      crimson angel15

      Thanks for your kind words my fellow poet. Glad you enjoyed it.

  • juno0404
    December 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "Without your words I can’t exist,
    Tender your love, I’ll not resist.
    Our bodies crave what they do miss,
    Here my heart is in total bliss."

    You make this seem so easy.
    Nice and smooth flowing, I am yet
    to attempt this style.
    You however,managed to fulfill the mission
    with ease.
    Best of luck in the contest.





    • freespirit51 gold member
      December 15, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      juno0404

      Thanks so much for your wonderful words. I owe all these beautiful words to MY HETANE, for he is my inspiration. It is for him I write these words. Glad you enjoyed.


  • TwilightDazzles
    December 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is such a great take on the picture, I like this a lot and I like this form! I have not yet seen this form before but I enjoyed it! Thanks for entering and I wish you the best in the contest

    • freespirit51 gold member
      December 15, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      CascadingSakura

      Thanks my friend for your generous words. I am glad you enjoyed the poem.


  • daviscth
    December 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is such a beautiful poem!!! The imagery was so vivid and I love reading pieces that take me away....

    • freespirit51 gold member
      December 15, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      daviscth

      Thanks my friend I am glad you enjoyed it. It is for my inspiration.

1 - 21 of 21