Florid orators mean nothing to me,
Nor ornate taste with genre and style.
Glory and fame, status and gain,
Who you are is weighing me down.
I am running . . .
I am walking . . .
I am crawling . . .
I am crying . . .
Who you are infuriates my soul,
Devouring my inner strength.
My confidence, my identity is draining,
For your life flourishes at my expense.
I am soaring . . .
I am flying . . .
I am falling . . .
I am dying . . .
Absorbing my heart’s wealth
And plagiarizing my victories and wins.
You’re nothing but a deceitful leech,
Who takes and takes and never gives back.
You’re a parasitic . . .
You leave me paralytic.
A contest entry
- How We See One Another by katiekills4.
400 points, ended February 19, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What should I add/change to improve this poem?
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
-
i get what you are saying andit speeks to me how did you come up with it? well do u have anything to contrast this feeling oh and also just returning the favor for your applaud. but i really did like so if you want send me a message and maybe we could talk?
-lovelesssoul *cry
-
ver nice
Like it a lot!!
very cool.
I like the ... soaring, flying, falling, dying part.
I liked it a lot altogether. teh wording was superb!!
good job!!!!
-
Read & return- karma neutral since 1989
Prolific.
I'm in a weird place right now (mentally not literally, i'm in England) and something about this had me, right from the word go, the way you said it made it feel like someone was whispering it in my ear. I could feel the frustration and anger in you when you wrote this. The question i raise is whether it's aimed at someone or an inner monologue against yourself? It's fantastic either way. Truth be told i know little of the technical side of good poetry, stanzas etc, but those are just guidelines, your poetry is simply poetry, no fuss, no nonsense, beautifully brutal, outreaching, intense and honest.
Thank you.
Hidden treasures are the best kind.
-
Good one
Well done, dear poet you've done a great job with this one...very effective,... you have painted this beautifully done I like the words and picture go well togetherThere was no SPAGs. No typos. Nothing to change. I look forward to your next write.
-
Good
I quite liked reading this, I thought the progression, as everybody else said, was nice. It seems to be begging to be a song, really. As I read it I was putting a beat to it, trying a Radiohead or Queens of the Stone Age (when they're calm) feel out on it. Definitely has beautiful song potential.
-
wow, I thought this was a very powerful poem, really made you think, and the ending was just perfect for this. I personally wouldn't change a thing but that's just me! Your words are just so powerful in this!
-
heartbreaking
I wouldnt change a thing it was written beutifully ang i could feel the heartbraking more after a line-
-
Wow!!!!!!
I am soaring . . .
I am flying . . .
I am falling . . .
I am dying . . .
I love this piece of the poem... Love the progression. Wonderful job!
-
when i read
" I am running . . .
I am walking . . .
I am crawling . . .
I am crying ."
i didnt feel much so i think thoose words need stregthening...
HOWEVER
"I am soaring . . .
I am flying . . .
I am falling . . .
I am dying . . ."
really struck me, there powerful and striking
WELL DONE
brilliant peice.
x -
Good, but...
I wonder if it's just me who are a Japanese animation fan, but lines 5 to 8 and 12 to 15 sound pretty much like Serial Experiments Lain's Opening "Duvet". I hope you didn't take the idea from there. Besides that, the topic, as well as the rest of the poem, are really good. Grammar mistakes can be forgotten as they make the poem just look weirder.
-
First: The shape of this is stunning so that is a plus. The subject matter is very rewarding because we as humans are ALL visited by the green eyed monster at some time in life.
In the beginning, this one line just tripped me up big time and thus right off of the bat broke the flow...
"Who you is weighing me down."
Try rewording this because "who you is" sounds odd, out of place...just sits uneasy with me.
I love this part and think it enhances the poem tremendously...
I am running . . .
I am walking . . .
I am crying . . .
I am crawling . .
As well as the...
I am soaring . . .
I am flying . . .
I am falling . . .
I am dying . .
However, "Zapping me of my inner strength."
I don't think Zapping is a proper word here...
Perhaps "Draining" would sound better.
All in all not a bad read. Just needs some minor tweaking.
Becky
-
Okay I am stupid or something what does Florid orators mean it kinda confused me. this is sad, but very well written. I like how you repeated I am___
I have a question though why do keep using.....like its unfinished. -
very strong and dramatic piece here. i know where you're coming from. 'Who you is weighing me down.' - should there be an 'are' in there? i'd suggest you just rearrange the lines 5 to 8 to
'I am running . . .
I am walking . . .
I am crawling . . .
I am crying . . .'
so that it rhymes very subtely with 13 to 16. it would add a little more impact without being too obvious. thanks for sharing
Adding your comment:
1 - 13 of 13
