In the coming of the solstice,
never were I to guess
that this place,
laden in frost,
the toadstools would survive.
In this place, now forms from biting cold,
frozen fearie rings
in mossy ground,
laden in frost,
so in the night they may devise.
In the coming of the solstice,
Never did I think to find
those I so love,
wings laden in frost,
dancing so near earthly ground.
A contest entry
- What Dreams May Come .... With Nurse Chilly by Cat.
2000 points, ended December 30, 2007, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
No specific question, just what you think: good or bad.
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Hmm.
This is very nice and it definetly deserves the trophy. I liked your style and the subject matter. It is written very well and may I invite you to my contest. I would love to see more of your work. -
Still Lovely!
I've read this and commented earlier. Just as beautiful to read again. Well done. -
Lovely!
You have some beautiful imagery in this well written poem. Congratulations on your Bronze Trophy. Well done.
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Congrats on your trophy! Such a delightful innocence here .. but with an eye turned toward something bolder. I like that.
Lisa
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COngratulation on the bronze. I remember once finding a fairy ring in the sparkly frost in the woods when I was a child. It was a spectacular thing that has stayed with me for over 40 years. Your poem recaptured much of that magic for me.
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i do like the change very much
m -
Good!
to be totally honest, i did this right on the spot, formulated the whole thing on the submit sheet in maybe 5-7 minutes, so a mistake was bound to be present, thank you!!!
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oy..
never admit that to me again...
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I like this alot and my fellow judge has pointed out where a little editing or punctuation could add some brevity to the line (i think that is all that is missing here) I love the mixing of human emotions and the possibility of us all being fairy-like and growing wings..
very nice
well done and many thanks for entering our contest
G.x -
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alright, please don't laugh at me but... being new and all- and I don't have any clue how to revise things I've submitted
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to the right side of the page... under your name are the lists of options ... you'll find EDIT there... click on that and you edit your poem...
plus it might be a good idea to browse the help pages on the site.. to learn how the site works... -
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hmmm, does that sound better, or should I condense it to simply " now forms from biting cold"?
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much better
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i like much about this piece- i love that you included toad stools and gave the very faerie feel to the writing.
i can't seem to make this line scan right
In this now forms from biting cold,
i wonder if there might be a slightly better way of getting to that point?
i like this piece though
and am glad to find you here in the contest
m
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Wonderful....clean
This is beautiful and reads very nicely overall.
You capture the idea and I'm sure it fits well with
the criteria of this contest.
Observations, Ideas:
~~(the) toadstools would survive.- did you mean "that"? It would connect better, I believe.
~~"In (this) (now) forms"- a pronoun and adverb; I wonder if it could read better with one or the other
~~ This poem flys so nicely that I don't think you need
some of the punctuation.
Thank you for giving us something well put together!
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oops,
i meant to say thank you, thank you not only for your praise, but also for your suggestions and tips. -
thank you,
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