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promise

from the moment i looked up and saw
just over my head your memory
draped off the stub remains of
a ponderosa's lower branch

from the moment i felt lightning flash
through my mortal form till numb
my fingers tingled the beginnings of
an unspeakable understanding

from the moment my eyes took in
the simple shape of your past hung
to the south of the bear-scratched tower
bleached white with unshed tears

from the moment i realized i stood
where grief-struck eyes set your spirit free
held hands and prayed for your hope
overlooking a plain of creeping thunder

from the moment you reached out and touched
my song with hidden fingers and embraced
my heart my mind my long forgotten dreams
with all the love you gave in life

oh my god i knew you then clear
as the cobalt sky that shook over dark
rumbling clouds suspended far
far in the distance

and from that moment i've carried
the shimmering whisper of your ghost in my
bones my joints my manhood like a promise
tangible as the stars themselves

 

 

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Comments

1 - 35 of 35
  • JM Kenyon silver member
    December 29, 2008
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    I can not say that I understand exactly what this write is about but I will say that, even though your intended point seems lost to me... this write has a sort of haunting quality about it, as if it wants very badly to coerce people to walk a particular path again and until... well until they understand what it meant.

    Best wishes always... ~Genie~


    • Zahhar gold member
      December 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Well I can only know what this poem means to me. If an understanding, a meaning, comes to you in relation to this poem, then I hope you'll feel inspired to share it.

      Thanks for reading and for allowing me to see into your experience with this write.

  • chris walker
    December 19, 2008
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    liked it

    thoght it was realy good dude


  • Sylvyrwyng gold member
    December 18, 2008

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    inspiring, thought provoking and soul awakening. I have had to read it through about three times and still found something new to find within it. Excellent work and I am in awe. Definitely worth more than three applauses.


    • Zahhar gold member
      December 28, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      This is an especially special specimen. Written to honor my spirit connection with the same person my most recent post, "Walang masabi", is written to. I'm glad you enjoyed this! Thank you for the kind thoughts!


  • Blissful Melody
    September 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    beautiful!

    THe imagery is outstanding in this! Oh my! What devotion and caring! A little repetetive, but that's alright, because it works well enough. The emotion really transfers well to the reader here.


    • Zahhar gold member
      September 3, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Well repetition is also a tool of poetry. So hopefully when I employ it, it works. I'm glad dyou enjoyed.


  • adsaige
    July 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    the repeptition of the "from the moment"
    dried my mouth out and tasted a bit stale
    however when read a few times over the
    budding beauty below the surface of this
    seemingly unspoken and immature piece is
    evident. there is some magic, some wisdom
    in these words, and they must be seen.

    not entirely sure about the last line, its
    an i love it, but it doesn't sit right with
    me. separate "my bones, my joints, and my manhood"
    by commons. (also, we are aware they are your
    parts, so the repeptition of my is not needed)

    overall, a very beautiful writing.


    • Zahhar gold member
      July 6, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Yea sometimes such repetition works well, and other times it doesn't. For the most part, I think it did actually work with this poem, and in some ways may even have been necessary for this poem to come to life in the way I wanted it to.

      Poetic punctuation is an area where people tend to have strong opinions and particular habits. For me, I have left myself open to exploring it as fully as I may. When I wrote this I decided in advance that it would have no punctuation, and that I'd try to use some of the line and stanza breaks as pseudo-punctuation marks.

      I think a complete lack of punctuation can cause the reader to participate more fully in the poem, involving herself in the process of dissecting and understanding the grammar, and its various meanings. In fact, one of the things the avoiding of punctuation allows you to do is juxtapose lines and fragments with others that could be read in multiple ways, all of which would be considered valid by the poet and/or reader.

      At the same time punctuation can help clarify thoughts, flow, and syntax. But these poems would be approached in a different manner. You'll find that I write poetry that uses proper punctuation, minimalist punctuation, and no punctuation at all, and that I continue to experiment with each method. Though I'll admit that as time goes on I find myself leaning toward a preference for the total avoidance of punctuation.


  • mornings
    May 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    you know, i have read this countless times but it never fails to move me. the first time i read it i even cried. it reminds me of a person who has given me so much hope in life. his name is Promise. and though i can't touch him, he is the only i have trusted more than the sunrise. thanks for making me sleep with him tonight with this piece.

  • fantasylandthinker01
    April 23, 2008
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    wow thats got emotion and meaning in it


  • I-hope-im-not-alone
    March 26, 2008

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    wow. thats a cool poem.it realy is. it makes scence in a way to where it can mean something difrent to every one but still mean the same thing.


  • albymyheart gold member
    March 18, 2008

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    You write with such soulful abandonment. What a gift you have. A great poem with original metaphors.

    I didn't understand what these two lines meant though...
    "the simple shape of your past hung
    to the south of the bear-scratched tower"

    Other than that, I really enjoyed this piece.
    alby


    • Zahhar gold member
      March 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      A medicine bag hung from a tree limb just south of the Devil's Tower in Wyoming. There's a Native American legend that tells of a great bear that tried to get a couple of kids who were atop a mountain, he clawed at it until all that was left was a large scratched up stump of a mountain--the Devil's Tower.

  • tiffy08
    March 3, 2008
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    very good. I loved it..

  • wellbegone
    February 19, 2008

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    Heart rendering passion

    Wow... how marvelous to be able to express yourself in the way you do. I hope you are aware of your profound talents. This poem personally touched me deeply. How I needed to hear something like that said. Better yet through the voice of poetry.


  • storiesuntold gold member
    January 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Excellen write here

    In this write I felt the pain of one so stricken from the loss of a love that remains like a shroud over his entire body of the love that lingures within his every being of his soul


  • BellaD
    January 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Beautiful poem!

    I love your use of figurative language and the imagery of your lines, for example "the shimmering whisper of your ghost" "clear as the cobalt sky" So vivid...I could well imagine the clear deep dark blue sky dotted with stars. For some reason, the picture in my mind while reading this poem is of a young man standing by a grave that is situated high on a hill or cliff (now where did I get that hill or cliff? perhaps from "overlooking a plain of creeping thunder" ?) Sorry, just going off on a tangent. Great sensory detail and lyrical quality to this piece. Keep writing.


  • pixxy2500
    January 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    That was amazing...

    in this piece, i saw in my head a low tree draped over a winding creek and over one of its cut-off branches draped a piece of red cloth, probably a scarf... and off to the right, up a small embankment a small stone tower, gray with scratch marks of a bear on it...
    I liked how you said "oh my god i knew you clear as the cobalt skies..." how did the character die? might i ask...
    But this piece was simply beauitful...reminds me of the loss of my father. i only read it once though, so as not to make it seem old in my mind i look up to people like you and you inspire me.

    avalon*


  • broken bloody angel
    December 29, 2007
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    tear jerking, amazing, and mind blowing

    this poem almost made me cry, and i'm guessing that its a look into your past.....


  • sidewinder silver member
    December 28, 2007
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    wisdom flows within those whispers when heart within the heart!

    Keep penning on one stroke at a time
    Bill


  • Heart Sutra
    December 27, 2007

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    Your attention to detail is rich and I enjoyed the lyrical feeling that the poem shares, as well as the emotional content that emerges from this poem. Maybe the "from the moment" is a bit overdone, but that is coming from my sparse landscape and still I liked it.


  • stompsalot
    December 26, 2007

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    GORGEOUS

    a gorgeous write! love all the imagery throughout and especially the feeling afterwards. just beautiful. like a whisper, so subtle, but yet so powerful.
    my only recommendation would be to puncuate it, mostly for emphasis. there was a spot or two i had to back track to mentally place the puncuation for a more thorough appreciation of the write.
    love it! thanks so much for sharing your very talented work.
    blessings and *stomps


  • Dutch Doll
    December 24, 2007

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    I think this is an amazing poem and I read through it twice because it was so mesmorizing. Wonderful work!


  • Ellis gold member
    December 24, 2007
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    As Rene Descartes would say, this man "impressed" you (he coined the expression).


  • Jrokku No Hime
    December 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I like the form in which you wrote this, it was interesting and I don't see it often; if ever. Very good job. I enjoyed every word and line.

    -Sayur


  • Rinoasis
    December 21, 2007

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    Oh my god.. so beautiful. Gosh, I wish I wrote like you. I have a few favourites but noone compares to you, seriously!

    I love this part: "from the moment i felt lightning flash
    through my mortal form till numb"

    This poem sounds so sad. I felt my heart shrieking when I read it. Thank you for posting these beautiful poems here, it is a pleasure to read them. I hope you don't stop.

    Blessings,
    ~Moonchild

  • celadia
    December 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Wow

    Fantastic, sad, though, since it sounds like a suicide. I admit I had to read it twice since the words are strung together in an unusual way. Please don't take that as a crit, I think it is very creative, you must put a lot of effort into your work and in my own opinion, if you want to publish some day, you should have no problem. I liked the images, especially the bear-scratched tower. I'm not sure where this poem takes place, there is a lot of nature in it, I like that. I didn't see any problems with this piece at all. Keep writing you are great.


  • sidewinder silver member
    December 18, 2007
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    wisdom found within that brilliance whispered in hope
    sheltered in reaches where if we love with our heart the learning keeps with us forever!

    Yes I enjoy this my friend!
    Keep penning on one stroke at a time!
    Bill

  • Ankeeta silver member
    December 16, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    wow the simplest of all your poems....loved the beauty of your words

    A


  • My Nemesis
    December 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    To me this poem is about the mourning process. Seeing that person in everything and everywhere we look after they have died. Want the world to stop just for a while. Then realizing that they are still a part of us, the part that they touched with their life. My mother died many years ago now - but I still feel her presence, hear her voice in my head, sense her about me at times. This poem made me think of that.


    • Zahhar gold member
      December 14, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      I'm glad you were able to experience this poem in a very positive personal way. Thank you for this insight into your moment with this poem.

  • Kay Laon Anders
    December 14, 2007

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    A tad beyond brilliant...

    "and from that moment i've carried
    the shimmering whisper of your ghost in my
    bones my joints my manhood like a promise
    tangible as the stars themselves"

    When I think of the stars I never think of the word "tangible"...and for some stupid reason I never associate starts with outer space...hmmmm...way off topic ....just sort of rambling about my odd thought process....


    "from the moment i felt lightning flash
    through my mortal form till numb
    my fingers tingled the beginnings of
    an unspeakable understanding"

    So that is where you got that hairdo...lol


    "from the moment my eyes took in
    the simple shape of your past hung
    to the south of the bear-scratched tower
    bleached white with unshed tears"

    My favorite...bear-scratched tower...There arn't any bears around here but it reminds me of when the deer scrape their antlers on the the bark and leave a unique marking...quite beautiful..


    "oh my god i knew you then clear
    as the cobalt sky that shook over dark
    rumbling clouds that hovered far
    far in the distance"

    There is something deathly romantic about a thunderstorm...

    Great write..

    Kay






    • Zahhar gold member
      December 14, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      One of the Native American legends tells how a young boy and a girl went gathering berries and came across the great bear of the woods. Bear was hungry, not having eaten yet that day, and thought he would eat the kids. The kids ran up a tall mountain too steep for the bear to climb, and the bear clawed at the mountain from all sides until only his claw marks remained, the center rising sheer into the sky. When Bear lost interest and went away, Eagle came and carried the kids back to their village. This is why I went with "bear-scratched tower". I don't want to call it by its white-man name, because that name is all wrong for the place.

      I'm glad you enjoyed, Kay.

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