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Ice Ice Baby

 

 



they had never shared

dismal emotions

 

and she'd never seen him
lying prone before,


never 

even tried

to imagine
what he would look like
from that angle.

 

Ice chilled her veins

 

and when

they picked him up

she watched

his tears spill
onto 

unforgiving

frosted tarmac.

battle scarred

but brave.

he stood

in silence

 

waiting for her.

 

 

infinite 

concern

fell

inside 

loving whispers

 

as her

anxious

fingers 

 

reached out

 

to gently 

caress

his chest

 

 

 

 

Author notes

option 1.

I've used the words him not 'it' to describe my bike.
Bike = motorbike NOT A REAL MAN.!!!!

About Yesterday.

I Don't ever usually ride in icy conditions.
It's dangerous.
You can skid or fall over/off without warning.

But, I needed to be somewhere.
my car battery is dead,
and the new one
(which someone said they would bring me)
never arrived

Yesterday
i was very late.







A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 28 of 28

  • thepoetsings
    July 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A couple quick editorial suggestions:
    - line 25. "battle-scarred" could use a hyphen.
    - line 16. This is really nitpicky, but the capitalization of "Ice" sort of throws me off when everything else is in lowercase letters.

    Okay, so....not gonna lie, I took a look at the title and thought, "Whatever." That said, I really enjoyed the piece! The addition of your AN gave me an entirely new perspective on the piece, as well.

    You didn't try to dress this piece up too much and I really appreciate that - I think you did exactly what needed to be done for this particular poem. Thanks for sharing!


  • borrowing.moonlight gold member
    June 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow thats interesting
    i love your emotion here and how you can relate your thoughts to the reader - excellent ^^


  • sassykitty
    May 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    excellent use of personification to create the character of the bike - i really like the sentiments expressed in this, it's an unusual and original take on the prompt. great form used successfully and the extended metaphor and imagery are particularly effective. thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.


  • Jfd
    April 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    chilling poem, which I think was the intended emotion you were trying to convey....I liked your wordplay and line break in this....nicely done....thank you for taking the time to enter!

  • Judith Chandler
    April 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Chilling, not just because of the ice. The word "dismal" got me and the part about never seeing him prone before. Both had very strong associations.

    I feel like you left it hanging but I think that's effective.

    This could be an example of pathetic fallacy, though I didn't pick that up until I read your author's notes, and it deals with a mechanical object, not a natural one.

    Thank you for entering my contest.


  • amaranthine lover gold member
    January 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    ***

    This is a greatly imaginative piece, the imagery usage really surprised me the most, the abstractness working so well with the language quite a nice little piece that you have here thanks for entering


  • Romily
    January 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    nice use of imagery. Marvelous blend. I specially like the way you make your whole piece deep by using one single strong word for each sentence. Nice work.


  • RedwingSpirit silver member
    January 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is very nice I wish you the best of luck in the contest and thanks for commenting Hope you have a wonderful New Year


  • abuyi
    December 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    nice work.. i take cars and bikes in female gender.. and i can understand .. i have hots for chicks on cool rides.. for some reason they make the ride more hotter and desirable anyways besides that all i was lil dissapointed not seeing any poems in your authors note, please comment on any other entry of this contest,

    thanks for entering my contest i really enjoyed this write, best of luck in the contest
    regards
    abuyi


  • ears2hearyou gold member
    December 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    That was a really good job!

    Cleverly written ....and I agree, riding a motorcycle
    on ice...you are more brave than I!
    hope your battery arrived!
    I grew up with 3 brothers all dirt bikers, and the
    street bikes still scare me, people just don't visually
    see you on the road!
    excellent imagery on the poem, good job!
    ears2hearyou
    Kathleen : ))


  • genevieve3
    December 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Memmorizing! you may write of your buke but i read of a man, for me not u


  • jcat gold member
    December 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    WOW!!! I am glad you survived to write your tales!! My hubby also rides a bike at times. It scares me, not because I don't trust him, I just don't trust others to see him!!! You did a great job on this and I have to admit that I was thinking the "him" was a guy..


  • Melissa Burns
    December 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for entering my humble little contest I have to admit this is the first poem I've had entered that the surprise lay in the notes


  • Hope Angel silver member
    December 17, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    That WAS wonderful and beautiful... until I found out it was about your bike.


  • prettiestinneon
    December 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    That was really impressive... I think you should have made the part where you explained your poem PART of the poem. "Yesterday, i was very late". Powerful words


  • Karen Layne
    December 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting humanitation of the bike. I assume his "tears" were something like transmission fluid? I have to admit, I was fooled...I needed the explanation. I liked it even when I thought it was about a man, I like it even more this way...very clever.
    I hope you didn't get hurt.


    • Blankscreen2222
      December 17, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Great comments!


      Thanks for reading and your reply.
      Definitly NOT talking about a man in this one.
      Caressing his chest is metaphor for the petrol tank where the damage was and the tears were green fluid which was leaking out from underneath somewhere.

      Only my heart was hurt and not my body. That may sound silly I know.. but..I really do love my bike.




  • howlinginpain
    December 17, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Different

    You don't see many poems like this one. I enjoyed it very much, thank you!


  • brattybran13
    December 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Was a bit confused for a second. Makes more sense now that I know its about a bike. Great write though. I liked it, keep it up

  • WhyNot
    December 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    When I read it, I thought it was about a person you know, but then I realized is was about your bike. Hehe, nice personification. The title was great as well!


  • catz Moderators member
    December 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I know this is a serious write, but you've given it a break from the bleakness, added a touch of lightheartedness in your author notes by referring to your bike as 'him'. A good piece and I wish you luck in the contest


    Dee


  • Silverblade
    December 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Personified

    The personification was excellent, I had honestly thought it was someone close to you-- which certainly adds impact and depth to the piece.

    Although I didn't care for the format in and of itself, it suits the poem perfectly (thereby making it a good thing) and gave it a rhythm.

  • Papagallo
    December 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    10

    wow! you drew me deep into this poem. excellent line breaks and a smooth flow here. you gave the bike life.

  • LittlePauper
    December 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    I like it

    My first impression was that it was a living being close to you, but it was a bike? xD
    That makes me giggle
    Oh, and my deepest condolences for your loss


  • LadyUnique silver member
    December 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    first off I'm glad you're okay

    very good poem that starts off with a clever title. it caught my eye right away also clever to substitute 'him' for your bike

    all-around solid write


  • Cerulean Sunrise gold member
    December 14, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I didn't know what this would be like from the title.
    Glad I clicked though. Is good.

    Be Well


  • elemental angel
    December 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Brilliantly written, you've brought your bike to life and vice versa me thinks. Best of luck in the contest.
    Bravo


  • Indecisive Speckle
    December 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Brilliant

    This is really good, I really like how you ahve personified your bike by calling it "Him" my first reaction when i read the poem, before reading your notes, was that it was about a guy that had been in an accident! so well done, very impressed!
    Keep up the good work
    LJMYERS

1 - 28 of 28