Hoping

I sat at the edge of the playground
doodling in the dirt
making pristine pictures
of beautiful faces
and hoping

The other children swarmed around me
I hid my face in shame
How can I be human
if I am not like them?
And I never was
never will be
I'm just hoping

I stood and walked over to the Spider Web
That metal catastrophe
The others sat on it
and watched my dilemna
Should I talk?
Should I play?
Oh look, a swing
on the other side of the playground
with no one around
I sit in it and
I'm hoping

We moved so many times I forgot to keep count
So many faces pass me
and I do not know a single one
It is lunch time
and all the tables are full
Should I sit at one?
Should I try?
My plate goes in the garbage
Oh well
I wasn't that hungry anyway
Though I've done the same thing all semester
I'm still hoping

One day I found myself sitting in the gym
A junior in high school
still alone
And he comes to sit with me
and asks a question
that I could say yes to
and end my regret
I look at him
my friend
Could I really use him like that?
I apologize
for his liking me
and wish him the best
Though he is hoping

I am an awkward loner with too many friends
Though others think them too few
Out of High School
Out of my mind
with worry
I have never
not been alone
yet others keep drawing closer
as if this is normal
I find myself
unable to draw away
from the outstretched arms
that are there
only for my benefit
But this time
the question isn't asked
and I worry that it is too late
for me to hope