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Determined to Collapse





Where we once started, those moments departed
More times than never we just fade away
Memories collected, the bond disconnected
And the feelings seem to have gone astray

Dreams of destruction, moments of reduction
Where soul is diminished and thrown in the bin
Your cold reaction, an endless distraction
The pressure insists on destroying within

Too much desire, now forced to expire
Fleeting aggravations to distort my trust
Constant infliction, consistent addiction
Failures arise from reflected disgust

An immature master, weaving this disaster
Why accept those people who choose to ignore
My weakest foundation and reckless formation
Is not built to hold these defeats anymore

A mass of affection, these games of deception
Withered by the rust of decaying hearts
All lost to existence, portraying persistence
We've traveled so wrongly from end to the start


Author notes

Personal. So nothing said.
The one who this is about, knows that this is about him.
End to start? We're going backwards these days instead of progressing. Or we end and start all over again. Both happens regularly.
Criticism welcome.

A contest entry

Now you tell me:

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 30 of 30

  • 2lullabyhaven
    April 21, 2008

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    That's some deep traveling hahhahha but I am not sure of the name of your form...please help me by sending me a maessage.


    • Never Fall in Love
      April 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Sorry, I never knew it was a form when I created it.
      It's a triquatrain.. I'll add the details of the form when I'm back home in an hour


  • JackFellDown
    April 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow very nice, I love the way this one rhymed. It has perfect structure. The poem itself was flawless. The background and all works nicely. I loved this line
    "Your cold reaction, an endless distraction
    The pressure insists on destroying within" I can see why this is the piece you chose. Good Luck ~peace

  • DarkRomantic113
    April 16, 2008

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    I liked how well complete this poem is. 5 stanzas of raw emotion. Your form and vocabulary has definitely accelerated exponentially.


  • wolfcub
    April 9, 2008

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    I love internal rhyme but it never seems to work for me. This was brilliant, you really dragged me into the page. An excellent example of why poetry SHOULD rhyme (Ok, in some cases it works fine without) but all those people who say 'I can't rhyme, it doesn't work' should look at this!
    I'm glad this isn't about me, because I would be so screwed up if I read something like this and I'd inspired it! Your emotions are so powerful here.
    Thankyou for entreing and good luck
    Katie


  • Tangled Angle
    March 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Best rhyme poem so far. One of the best poems out of all of the poems.


  • Poesing
    February 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Congratulations on winning! This is an excellent poem with great flow!


  • whispernthedark Greeters member
    February 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I love your rhyme scheme in this, it's flawless... I love the pic and your wallpaper too, nice visual. Thank you for entering the contest, good luck.

    ♥
    whisper


  • Fading.Heart
    February 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow this is a lovely heart breaking poem good luck


  • Repetitious Chaos
    January 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I really hear this as a song, Dear Poet.
    And your image is a perfect diving board into
    your pool of words. I'm quite impressed.


  • cricketjeff gold member
    January 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful poem, filled with emotion flows perfectly and a total joy to read. Clever and effective use of strong feminine internal rhyme. Token extra points on the way soon to mark its "HM+" Status. Looking forward to reading a lot more of your work.


    Thank-you very much for your continued support in the series. When we started running these it was hard to find rhymers on AP who would admit their guilty secrets, now many of the best "Free-Versers" are entering!
    On a more personal level I know that this series has improved my own poetry enormously and that Sue feels the same. We have also met a great many poets we did not know existed several of whom I now class as friends. Thank-you very much for this entry.
    Jeff and Sue

  • vertigo beat
    January 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    picture on the side is very nice. reminds me of a girl i went to school with in high school.

    -We've traveled so wrongly from end to the start
    from finish to start? i dunno.

    you know what i'm going to say


  • Celticmoon
    January 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This piece although very sad it is beautiful. The phrasing, the imagery, the rhyme and the poetic devices al done with great care. Each line speaks in a whisper and is felt deeply. Thank you for entering. Best of luck to you!


    Blessings
    Bel


  • Lola Green
    January 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    losing love is something hard.
    I relate to this poem allot. thank you for entering I really enjoyed reading this.


  • Naridill
    December 30, 2007

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    'Withered by the rust of decaying hearts'

    Strong phrasing and captivating piece indeed. What annoyed me was the flow - so constant - too constant for such emotion. Seems poetic but overly. Which needs to say, its beautifully written but the heart isn't tugging enough.

    Thanks for entering.
    Much luck

  • ecrivain01
    December 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Larry is correct ...

    the meter is off in this and it's hard to read it aloud. However, I do like your poem in most respects, even if you didn't punctuate it, which I find puzzling. Anyway, thanks for entering.

    Happy Holidays to you.


  • Ellis gold member
    December 20, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    LOVE THIS -- this is beautiful poetry

    Life can be difficult, but attitude is everything.
    -------------


  • zackky.Monster
    December 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Powerful but Emotional

    The words aopn your poetry the emotions you show through words, just depressing but it happens. It has happened to me before and it devastating. The words you used in your writing the thoughts that you thought we just extreme and amazing. Just the way you write is vivid and descriptive. It may seem weird but sometime I do feel the same way you have felt when writing this beautifly well written Peom. I admire you and your work. Amazing job !! Keep up the way you write. Don't let any one hurt you about how you write because believe me I have and I write about the same emotions like you. Of course I am a off to an amazing start but, I still have a little ways 'till I get to the same level as you .... =) Thank you for letting me read your work. It was truly inspiring to me. =)     Wink 

     

                                         Turly and Deeply,

                                                 Zach

     

  • mmook
    December 18, 2007
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    emotion power.... it just flow and draw you in without skip a beat... thanks for sharing


  • Miss Insolence
    December 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is absolutely amazing. It flows magically and doesn't get choppy or skip a beat. The rhyme is perfect and different from what I usually read. On top of that, emotion explodes from every single line, dragging the reader into the story effortlessly. Fantastic write!


  • chantel medeiros
    December 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this is beautiful.

    the emotion portayed here was, by me, strongly felt.


    EXCELLENT JOB.


  • Amera gold member
    December 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    *I smile at you* This is fantastic! The image coupled with the internal and external rhyme scheme is pure genius. Your poetry has become world class and I’m proud to be your AP sister.

    Love,
    Amera♥


  • Dark Whispers
    December 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    gorgeous, ypou portrayed your feelings beautifully, I love the rhyme scheme, its briliant as usual. I love how you keep your meter so consistant, thats why i don't write rhyme its too hard.

    Great write
    ~Dark


  • Mallig gold member
    December 14, 2007

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    Wow, this is amazing, fabulous rhyme and command of language, and so emotionally truthful. Excellent poetry, congratulations on the silver!

  • OurxBeginning
    December 14, 2007

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    This is a really good piece. I liked your rhyming, as always. The emotion in this is very strong. Nice job, and congrats on your silver trophy.


  • sixtimesseven
    December 14, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    beautiful

    sad, yet gorgeous.
    rhyming schemes and rhythm makes me
    happy. love it.


  • Death of the Author
    December 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Lol several things. First you know I love this poem (and I continue with that in a moment). Second - you used the woman's artwork! Yayyy! Isn't it amazing! Third - see comment below, good job you didn't change that part I guess (though the foundation/formation rhyme is still the weakest point for me - and it's barely a weak point in a poem as strong as this).

    Why I love it...well it flows so well, like your old pieces to me. Maybe it was just me who couldn't get your words to flow in my mind but this one certainly does. I cannot pick out a favourite part because every line oozes with amazingness (yes I DID just say that). Well anyway I kind of know what's going on and you know my views on it but I hope whatever happens that at the end of it you don't have any regrets. I can't say I hope you're happy either way because I know either way you're going to be upset...but hey. Need a hug, you know where to come.

    Good luck in the contest and take care xxx


  • Cerulean Sunrise gold member
    December 13, 2007

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    My favorite part, "My weakest foundation and reckless formation Is not built to hold these defeats anymore"

    Your words always hold so much.

    Warmest thoughts for you always,
    Mark

1 - 30 of 30