spurning childlike delight,
we grasp at explanations
of molecules scattering light
and particles in suspension,
science falling short
of beauty
Author notes
I wanted to write about seeing things and needing explanations for them, going straight to science, instead of just stopping to take in the beauty. More specifically, why the sky is blue.
My first attempt at this type of poetry, so please tell me what needs to be fixed!
A contest entry
- Quickie 10/20/20 PIF by Naridill.
1400 points, ended December 13, 2007, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What would you change?
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Hood-Wink!
'grats on the bronze
"of molecules scattering light" --> sigh.
wow. what a write. I am speechless
with this one
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Hoodwink!!!
Excellent poem, filled with great imagery, I believe you accomplishewhat you intended in this piece. Very well crafted, and thought out.
Love & Light
Debbbera
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This was excellent. Great write, well done!
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excellent
I thought this was brilliant. I have to totally disagree with evicrane's comment. I don't see apples and oranges. I see science trying its very best to define nature with a selfish eye to 'steal' the secrets of its beauty and claim them. In that sense science does compare itself and as such (and forever i believe) science will, with only itself to blame, fall short.
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Nicely done ...
but I don't think it's science falling short of beauty since they are two separate and distinct things, like comparing apples and oranges. The poem is fine, of course, but I think the idea is off kilter. Here:
science falling short
of beauty
seems odd to me. I'd say rather:
science defining
why this produces
beauty.
However, yours sounds better, more poetic, so to speak, even though I don't believe it works on any rational level. Then again, I am not sure that poetry really has to be rational. Anyway, it's a good poem.
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I suppose what I was trying to express is this:
Science can explain why the sky is blue. It can tell me that particles scatter the light in a certain way so that my eye sees blue light. But do all those explanations truly express the beauty of an October sky? Sure, we know the why, and that's good. But does the why really capture beauty?
I'm not sure that I can get all that across very well in the 20 words I wrote here, but hopefully this will help you understand the piece.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment!
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This reminds me of my poem 'beauty over science' Science is analytical and based on facts. Poetry relates to a heart.If science is a bark, trunk and flower, poetry is a nector of a flower. Thanks for sharing
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I thought the wording beautiful, and evidentally so did the judge - congrats. on the Bronze!
And in a few short lines, you made a good statement - how sometimes science just takes the beauty out of things and hands you the explanations.
Good job.
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You write better than you know.
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Very Nice
I admire that you are attempting to stretch out and challenge yourself and I know you want to improve all the time, so, I'm going to be very picky here.
LavenderLady talked of the spacing of "beauty" and the spacing of the poem. "beauty" IS too far separated. Use the same spacing as between the first three stanzas, however, indent it starting it even with 'falling'. This gives you white space (for an additional pause as you created by dropping it lower) and visually your eye can fall from 'science' to 'beauty'. The indention also separates it visually from the rest of the poem giving it a position of more power.
Notice how your line break at the end of your first stanza creates a sense that all is said. You can end there and be understood. The beginning of the next stanza brings us a surprising moment of continuation and discovery. You can do the same dropping the 'of' off the end of your single lined third stanza and allowing to join beauty. 'Beauty' here would still start under 'falling'. Less white space, but more power because you end the prior line in a noun and surprise the reader with a qualifier.
Is this stuff nit-picky or what.
Nice job.
Jim
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wow thank you so much for your comment! This was exactly what I was looking for, and you hit on several issues of which I was unsure. As always, your critiques are helpful in the extreme. I'm going to get to work right away!
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First love the how though concrete in formula, there is a whimisical quality to this write. I truly love it, and though I love free-verse and its the only thing I write...I like the spacing. Perhaps bring "beauty" closer to the body of the poem. I feel that beauty is a science in itself.
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Thanks so much for your comment! I was going to ask you to review this if you had time It's my first real free verse poem so thank you for leaving recommendations!! I'm definitely going to look over the parts you recommended. To be truthful, you're one of the free verse poets I tried to keep in mind while writing, to figure out how to structure and punctuate it.
Thanks for your time
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Very beautiful. I love the word choice and phrasing. The spacing and punctuation makes this piece a little choppy though. I wouldn't change the wording just the format and punctuation to improve it.
Thanks for entering
much luck
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Thank you very much for your critical comment.
I'm trying to work on my free verse skills, so it's really helpful to get recommendations of how to punctuate, structure, etc.
Good luck with judging!
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