In my hopes of happy sunrises
And my dreams of past sunsets
Sits an empty, dark and flooded life
And so many regrets
Within these issues life now brings
I think of all I've done
Trials that God has sent my way
And how I've always won
No matter how I'm looked upon
Or the way I am perceived
What matters are my goals in life
And how they are achieved
So if you have looked down on me
Take a look real close because
Although I struggle, I succeed
That's the way it always was
Author notes
Found this one in my notebook, and I'm pretty proud of it.
A contest entry
- Cold Regret by DesolatELifE.
689 points, ended December 15, 2007, 29 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Golden Poems (pre-write quickie) by JM Kenyon.
450 points, ended December 22, 2007, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - YOUR BEST PREWRITE OF 2007 - 12 ENTRIES ONLY by maa.
521 points, ended January 4, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites. ♥ by GraveyardGoddess.
400 points, ended November 27, 449 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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That's really good!! Such a positive, up-front poem! I really liked the lines: -
"Although I struggle, I succeed
That's the way it always was"
Because they really round off the poem really well, and finish a great write!
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thank you for sharing such a powerful message that will certainly give hope and encouragement to many who read it ...
all the best,
maa
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as long as we can live with the results of our effots it doesn't matter what anyone thinks... after all, it isn't anyone else that has to live with it.
s and best wishes always... ~Genie~
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the reason this got gold was because of the hope it conveys.. such a beautiful way to
my favourite verse is
'No matter how I'm looked upon
Or the way I am perceived
What matters are my goals in life
And how they are achieved'
because I think it is an absolutely terrific verse, just that tiny bit better than the rest of the AWESOME poem
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I think this is a great poem!
I'm no good at commenting, so let the applause speak for itself.
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It is particular to note that your structure is well preserved and your meaning well expressed in your short verse. However, I would like to note several instances where I found a lack of flow or word choice, that could have augmented your meaning.
In your first stanza you state "Sits an empty, dark and flooded life" However the meter of this line does not correspond with your other lines, perhaps diminishing the syllable use will further provide progress? "And alone, amongst this empty life"
In your second stanza, your line "Trials that God has sent my way" was very disagreeable; not only in its flow but word choice. Perhaps "He who has guided me before"?
In your third stanza you state "What matters are my goals in life". It is a rather...unpoetic statement and one that is commonly used. Perhaps it would be better said "There are dreams yet left within"
Finally, I was rather disappointed in the way you ended this poem. "Take a look real close because...
That's the way it always was" We know we must look closer to find who you are, but why say it in such a mundane way. Moreover, why end the poem as such? It doesn't give a sense of completion as it should. Perhaps it would be better said "Look closer with mellowed eyes...for I am ____ beneath the ____"?
Nevertheless, well done and goodluck on your ventures.
P.A.
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Onus
Wow, well thank you for your input, I really appreciate it. I did write this one long time ago and sometimes the way I speak and write are mundane but my quote on another website is "COFFEE FIRST! Then your mundane bullshit" I can be mundane and everyone has a different opinion on each other as well as different styles. I can read this poem and see many flaws in it as well as good points. When I write, I tend to leave it just the way it was rather than to edit out because those were my thoughts at that moment and they would probably never be again. I appreciate the critique! Happy Holidays!
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Nice write. I like the flow of the poem. The rhyming is nice and it has a very optimistic tone. This is a good inspirational poem for readers since it shows how one can succeed through the obstacles that come their way. Good job!
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Girlinthewild
Thank you so much, I had been criticized by many people and that made things hard but I found out who my friends really were. Too bad it has to be ugly when you find out your true friends but I realized I didn't need them at all. What matters is what I know.
I have to log off now but I will be back on tomorrow and try to read one or two of your works! Happy Holidays!
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