The dark velvet sky, looming overhead,
acid washed clouds float away in soft tread,
this canvas, illuminated by a single source,
a stone in the sky, it's surface so coarse,
This lustrous stone, sings out a single song,
to earth below it, sustaining: so very strong,
a vibrant high note that lights the dark,
singing back, does the earth - with mighty remark,
Strong whispers of luck and grace,
there is a lake in which the moon, takes embrace,
these insistent silences, ringing through the waters,
the deepening words, of their son and daughters,
The lakes' surface a wrinkling mirror,
bringing his bright children much nearer,
millions and millions, they twinkle and shine,
in this azure deep, so penetrating, so divine,
Its alleged sheen, its commanding coast,
within the deep, cold memory a single ghost,
the wrinkles upon the surface, bring a lovely face,
one as pale as gold, and which the waves cannot replace,
Her fragmented voice, shattered in disdain,
screaming out in agony, in beautiful pain,
reaching for the surface she shall never meet,
caressing a foe, she will never defeat,
Engulfed in this ivory haze, cast down upon her,
shocking her soul, bright gaze of this lure,
it draws her in, a far-away haven,
up to the surface, so bold sits the obsidian raven,
Condemning her, he bows his ebony head,
silencing all she hears, and all shes said,
Author notes
I started this one a long time ago. I finished it by adding the last two or so stanzas. You might be able to tell from the feel of them, but at least I got it finished - usually i don't finish it if i haven't when i was writing it originally...
Well anyways. It was written based on two words. Beautiful Pain.
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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awesomely good
keep it up -
Beautifully melancholy. You have a talent for rhyme that I don't share, I can never pull of anything as structured as this. Good work.
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Very good, needs a little work near the end
Capitals at start of lines etc.
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I see what you are saying. (I know this does not pertain to this work,) but lately I've been noticing that NOT capitalizing the letter at the start of lines, makes it flow more. I mean you capitalize the first line in the stanza, just not that of the ones after.
But, I shall look into changing that.
Thank you for the comment ~
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Damn good
Damn good effective in a deep emotional touch to the heart,this is what great poetry is all about. The flow of words and structured imagery is beautiful, this is what we call a gifted writer Great read
sincerly,
tasagka
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Wow. Thanks for such a kind comment
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Perception
No problem lassie your welcome you really are a gifted writer with a lot to say im very pleased and moved by your work so keep writing so i can keep reading lassie
sincerly,
tasagka
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Perception, you have a natural poetic ability. A very good poem with rhythm and rhyme nicely put together. Well done. Cheers,Bob.
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Thank you for the lovely comment
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beautiful choice of words
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Thanks for the comment
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Some good stuff here. You've got a good sense of flow and a well defined voice. The rhymes didn't feel forced or like they controlled the poem (which can often ruin a poem for me). You've carved out a genre of vocabulary that works for you mostly texture based (velvet, acid washed, lustrous, ivory haze, etc.), it works well in this poem, but when I read some of your other stuff, it seemed to be a bit too much icing and not enough cake.
Good write, good images, good emotions.
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Thank you for your comment. I really appreciated that you pointed out one of my flaws. I don't know how i would improve that though - I'll have to think about it.
because that's pretty much how I write, and I've been writing for a long time - so I'll try to improve... On my own accord. But, i do notice that it does take a long time for things to happen in my poems because the descriptions are so thick... But, some times I believe that rather than just saying something - you should describe it.
I really appreciate the comment though
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I like how you made it flow together. You're amazing
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WOW, this is really very smooth and I must say a lovely poem. You did a GREAT job on this Thanks for your comment on my work as well.
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Thank you for taking your time and reading my poem, and then posting your thoughts about it. I really appreciate it.
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It reads of welcome sting.
I enjoyed reading this.
Well writ, poet.
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Thank you for commenting my poem, and taking your time to read it. I appreciate you taking your time and doing so
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I liked the images you show of the moon.
The image you show at the lake is very beautiful too.
I noticed the changed in the final part. It was as if you have given another form to the moon.
I'd consider removing the commas at the end of the sentences.
Quite a pleasant poem!
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Thank you for the nice comment. I appreciate the time you took to read my poem and think about it.
Thank you very much
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