rain drops falling
on my skin
I feel your warmth
Be my umbrella
please don't leave me
Be my umbrella
for you are my only
Please know that if nothing else
Be my umbrella
You pull me in close
I feel you warm breath
wash over me as if it were the rain itself
I smell you and the rain
Collide if one
Please be my umbrella
Author notes
notsotorturedartist
A contest entry
- PIF: nature by transit.
470 points, ended December 13, 2007, 7 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Round 1 of Cindy's Rounds Contest :) Give me your best PW !!.. by MaMa-2-be-Cindy.
800 points, ended December 15, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Turn those greenies to Gold (or silver or bronze) pt II by whispernthedark.
440 points, ended February 8, 2008, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PRE-WRITES! ROUNDS CONTEST!!! by Luminescence.
525 points, ended March 23, 2008, 176 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
constructive critizism welcome
Comments
-
I agree with the last commentor... I don't much care for the repedition. But again.. great choice on the title.. This does have a LOT of gramitical errors in it though
Title: 8
Diction: 7
Syntax: 5
Wowness factor: 4
Total-24
~Lumin
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This is a lovely sentiment, I don't care much for the repetition of be my umbrella throughout the piece. I think it would be more effective just as the final line. Great write, thank you for entering the contest. Good luck.
♥
whisper
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I like the theme, it flows very well
Thank you and Good Luck
Cindy
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wow!
I like the simplicity here and the repitition of the words "please be my umbrella". It seems as if you are asking the person to be your shelter, warmth and protection.
the setting is perfect I believe and the way the story progresses is very nice. Towards the end, the whole scene wraps up wonderfully. I just feel, in the second- last line, the "if" should be changed to "as". best of wishes in the contest!
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