last night
while the winter moon slept in cotton sheets
and the white- bellied
patoo wrote its song
Sam sat in the country dirt
with his heart buried in a rum flask
soaked in his mothers tears
Author notes
the 'Patoo' is a nocturnal Jamaican bird, often associated with bad luck
A contest entry
- Anything 20 entries, prewrites excepted by mysticstorm.
475 points, ended January 28, 2008, 13 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
-
This is incredible! There is such an excellent sense of time and place. and the mood is perfectly set, and despite the rum... this is a sobering piece.
-
This is such a beautifully written piece!! So much feeling in such a brief write! Outstanding job!
-
Wow, so simple and so beautiful. The first stanza was nice, but the title and last three lines were by far more powerful. I love it how you tell a story without really telling it.
-
I could picture this. Effectively sad, hon.
-
What a delight to find this poem. It is a bud of good poems to come. Having lived in a third world country, I know the disparity between "white cotton sheets" and "country dirt."
-
Wow, absolutely beautiful...
"while the winter moon slept in cotton sheets"
....seriously, does it get any better than THAT?
simply lovely.
-
you have a way with words, just the right amount of imagery and story. it balances out really wonderfully.
the only thing, i would put 'patoo' on the previous line.
i warned you i was nit-picky.
-
Imagist
Hello there Aj!
I enjoyed reading this poem, if enjoyable is the right word for it.
It is a sad and moving piece, but what i found so enjoyable about it was the wonderful way you used evocative images to portray the underlying emotion and atmopsphere depicted so clearly here.
Impresssive work!
Thanks,
BJ.
-
Good grief!
-
-
Hey, I get it...irony. See? We Americans "get" irony.
-
-
You are now an honorary Brit.
-
-
-
It's such an understated image here. Quiet, which makes the subject matter or what seems to be the subject matter of this that much more haunting.
I see poverty, racism, segregation, and so much more all in those few lines..
-
-
thank you,
nice to see you here
-
-
Beautifully written, terse but full of emotion, images great, rhythm is astounding - line breaks and spacing - just wow! Glad to have run into your work, will be back to read more.
-
Solid.
Good imagery! Powerful use of metaphors. It's a homerun!
-
Oh my. This visual is heart breaking. You are quite talented. Well done. ~Pamela
-
this is really something
-
Beautiful. I usually have something critical to say about every poem, but this one is just perfect. Reminds me of a refined Berryman poem or something.
I will definitely be reading more of you. -
Wonderfully done...very deep and sorrowful...creative and full of so much meaning...love your metaphor and imagery...
Thank you for entering! -
Wow Aj! You're blowing me away tonight. Your work is really more refined, more real, and more you. I love that!
Best wishes in the contest.
Stacy
-
the gift this site has given me is the never ending gift of fine poetry...i have now found another poet, you, to read. your work is remarkable. love, lane
-
This is a wonderful write, your metaphors and immagery in your poetry is just amazing, as I read this first stanza I drifted right into the air with wings spread, Just wonderful. Even though this is a bird of bad luck your words turned it into majic beauty.
last night
while the winter moon slept in cotton sheets
and the white- bellied
patoo wrote its song
-
I can't say it enough, you are so talented.
Just a few lines and you are able to touch my heart.
Great write!
Anna.
-
I learn something new each time I read your work. This is simply beautiful and so much said in so few words...it speaks volumes. Excellent!
Shaz xx
-
This is brief but says more than some do on a whole page! You painted an emotional picture that spoke a thousand words....
-
I like it! I thought it to be simple but a deep enpacted emotions. Well done.
Adding your comment:
1 - 26 of 26
