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lonely dancer

She picks up the toys, her hair in her face.
Talent in dancing, virtue in grace.
Like a soldier in combat she shows not a sign
No regret for her choices, no chance to resign.
She is steadfast, reluctant, distorted and sad.
For love she had gambled, her better years had.
Her slippers polluted from years of neglect.
Her mirrors were dirty no chance to reflect.
Reticent yet hopeful she would sit by her phone.
Soon her children would grow up, and she’d be alone.

Author notes

excerpt from poem "tragedy"
I don't see this poem as overwhelmingly sad but more like a reflection of how choices can affect us long after they're made. It's based on someone I know very well and is just my quick observation of her in her current situation.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Avatar of Innocence
    December 29, 2007
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    It is a sad poem, please submit another poem. Though it is a sad poem, I feel like critiquing it.

    She picks up the toys, her hair in her face.
    Talent in dancing, virtue in grace. <= quite awkward, how did you transition from the domestic scene to a description of dancing?

    Like a soldier in combat she shows not a sign <= shows no sign of what? Suffering? Pain? Consciousness?
    No regret for her choices, no chance to resign.

    She is steadfast, reluctant, distorted and sad.
    For love she had gambled (again, gambled what? Her life? Her future? And in what sense did she gamble?),
    her better years had.


    While this poem seems easy to read, it does not convey enough emotion through imagery to be striking. The reader is left guessing at what you mean by the terribly desolate situation the subject of the poem is in. You describe a scene and the subject’s actions/ past. What about her thoughts? What does she look like? Is she still beautiful (maybe still graceful), or is she wilting despite her resilience? Please consider these while you revise this poem. If you want, you can submit another.


  • Florida Sunshine
    December 27, 2007

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    Dang I wish I could read the whole thing~ even with excerpts ~ you make me feel for her ~ and I don't even know why I really do~ other than she let go of life ~ Never really caring enough about herself. ~ as so many people do~

    Thanks for entering my "Set the Bar' Contest ~ good luck to you~ Nice job.


  • ellipsist
    December 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I would like to read ALL of "tragedy"

    this is a sorrowful and beautiful piece! tragically beautiful...

    thank you for sharing it here...


  • DesolatELifE
    December 15, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I like the rhyme, and everything else. So thank you for entering, and excuse my rubbish comment!


  • StormGoddess Greeters member
    December 13, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    The sadness in this is overwhelming. It's a fact, whether it's a dancer, or anything else in life... that many have or will face as they grow older. Loneliness sucks, even if we don't realize it till it's too late. Thank you for entering and good luck. Storm

1 - 5 of 5