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A Madman's Whisper

The anatomy

of whispers
haunts

a mad man

sitting

hard, cold,

and alone

 

in shadows

 

His proud

emptiness

 

cascading

down

 

    deep

in his tightly

gripped bottle

 

coveting coins

in a grimy pocket

of fortuitous

panning

 

fatefully spent

on yesterday's

dreams

and tomorrow's

disciplined

sorrow

 

A retention

of a single

memory 

 

scrutinizing

his regret 

 

     day

      after day 

 

The scent

of a woman,

 

  befalls laboriously

on broken senses

 

tightly wound

    

       shaking fists

 

     at the walls

               and skies

     and people 

             passing by

 

wishing

 

     every

woman that passes...  

 

          would be the woman

                  he left

                      behind 

 

               With his caved,
                    graven heart

         

          silent shaken poise

             tears reverberate...

 

                    whispering her name

Author notes

Option 5

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 75 of 75

  • Antebellum
    July 5
    Edit | Reply
    you've entered this before...im sorry, but to make it fair on others I must remove this.

    but please, feel free to enter another one I have yet to read.

  • Antebellum
    June 25

    Edit | Reply
    "The anatomy

    of whispers
    haunts

    a mad man

    sitting

    hard, cold,

    and alone "


    Wonderfully written.

    thanks for entering..
    &
    Goodluck


  • Viyanna Rosemarie silver member
    June 13

    Edit | Reply
    coveting coins
    in a grimy pocket
    of fortuitous
    panning

    i see that far too often where i live. it saddens me and even moreso is that what they are pining over is all too often really a woman or one decision that was indeed a wrong one. but hey, it is reality. i am living in a shelter right now so this is what i see on a daily basis. thank you for sharing. i think you should have placed in this contest my friend. viyanna rosemarie


  • schoolsable
    June 12

    Edit | Reply
    wow
    this is a truly great write
    a lot of poems i read dont have any heart in it but this is very emotional and speaks about the pain the old man feels. very good


  • JinSays gold member
    June 12
    Edit | Reply
    I love you David. This is brilliant. BRILLIANT. Never question the power of your pen-it's potent, and it draws real blood.
    Excellent poem honey, you truly do write some of the most uncomfortable poetry on this site, and that's a good thing, nobody wants to be comfortable all the time.
    Love you always.
    Your sister. (duh)
    Jin


    • Angel w o Wings
      June 12
      Edit | Reply
      Uncomfortable, yes I do believe it is. But it's all true, and to the point. Thank you for your applause.

  • Red Hawk
    June 12

    Edit | Reply
    wishing



    every

    woman that passes...



    would be the woman

    he left

    behind

    Beautiful.. Great write I really liked it.


  • Kendal Palmer gold member
    June 12
    Edit | Reply
    By Golly this is brilliant!!! By far the best poetry I have read in days!! thanks for sending it out there! good luck with it in the contest. peace an dlight always in ALL ways, kp


  • The Reapers Angel
    February 24

    Edit | Reply
    This is a very powerful and deep read, I do like this a lot. I love the last few lines;
    "wishing
    every
    woman that passes...
    would be the woman
    he left
    behind
    With his caved,
    graven heart
    silent shaken poise
    tears reverberate
    whispering her name"

    This is very beautiful, wonderfully penned.
    Thank you for your entry.
    ~Angel


  • SevenHundredSeventy
    November 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a mind blowing read. So raw and gritty and rings clear and true. Taut, concise....and darkly brilliant.


  • BlancetNoir gold member
    November 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    This rocks

    this is the type of stuff I love in a poem. It's dark, emotional, plucks the senses like guitar strings, unflinching, feels like you really felt deeply into this, as though you delved into some mud and blood to get to it...


  • HollyScissorHands
    January 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    BRAVO

    Great piece of work! I really like the way you brought the madman out in this write. Keep up the good work!


  • quack silver member
    January 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    this is really good


  • Bizharro
    January 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This is excellently written! Good Job!


  • Poetdontknowit
    January 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    SWEET!

    Awesome piece of poetic pie you have baked up here for the ap picnic! Superbly written. I was enchanted from the word go. It was scrumptious. I'll have more please!
    POETDONTKNOWIT

  • oldpoets
    January 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I enjoeyed this write especily the form. You have shown great skill and you brought a lot of emotion to your woek.


  • georgie
    January 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    if this was a woman it would be me... a brilliant poem... you've captured the very soul.
    hugs,
    georgie,
    xxx
    p.s. im rereading this one and adding it to bookmarks

  • mmook
    January 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I love it.... it just go show we must hold on to what is most precious to us.. very powerful ... the imagery is great and flow is too! awesome job.. thanks for sharing.. god bless


  • Rheea gold member
    January 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    makes one think of veterans coming back..all messed up all ready leaving out on the streats.


  • Arizona Sunset
    January 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    love the imagery in this one. Could see this person in my mind. Loved the flow the thoughts and the emotions you penned here! excellent poem ~Trisha~


  • Stickboy gold member
    January 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    awwwwwwwww not sure thats a madman or just a man you realized he left something he could never again hold true , great job on this thanks for sharing Bro


  • HeavenScent4U
    January 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Well I just checked the logs for this poem and I have not been here before so you were rather rude in the message you sent me HOWEVER; this is full of depth and emotion, kind of sad, especially the ending line

    I think this could have been formatted a little differently to make it more appealing but other than that, well done Be well and be blessed


  • satan-
    January 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this is great. i love the way it flows so smoothly, and how the descriptions also tell of whats happening. the last line " -whispering her name- " is so strong. short, but emotionally powerful. wonderful job.


  • eleno
    January 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    oh wow i really liked that.. yeah, with a bottle and in proud emptiness is how many men spend their days after a woman just leaves forever. so true. deep. full of pain and regret. and that last line "whispering her name" makes me feel that its also ... full of love. thank you, -elena

  • pruedence
    January 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Sad, but this does happen. The layout of the poem made me feel like I was going down the endless road with this poor man...nicely done...thanks for sharing


  • grannyeri gold member
    January 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Deep and so filled with pain, one can feel and visualize that in these lines, in these words you have penned and these sentiments you have expressed so well in these lines. Great flow, and wonderful words chosen. Ah regrets, we have a few...


  • TillyMay
    January 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    LOVE the revision- brilliant end to a brilliant write.


  • Delicate Fire Water
    January 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, I'm amazed! This poem is written so beautifully, and I can see you have talent! The way you worded this poem, it was easy to visualise the man, and then you find out that there's a story behind this poem. I liked it, it was well written. Thank you for letting the world see this poem! I hope to see more of your work, and keep up the good work!

    All the best,

    *Stephi*


  • SchizoChic
    January 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "Tightly wound,



    shaking fists,



    at the walls,

    and skies,

    and people

    passing by"

    Reminds me of all the old crazies that I see in the psych ward when I go that are ususally homeless. That's what they do. Go around shaking their fists in the air mumbling and grumbling, yelling and screaming.

    This is good. I like the way your wrote it. It gives a meaning, a story to why he is this way, and I like that. I don't like to buy that ppl just wanna live that way even tho I do realize some do. Yes, I now do believe that, but those who don't, those who are so overcome with grief for someone or something they've lost and they just can't go on, they can't function anymore, so they wander. I know. I've been there. Kudos to you for understanding honey.


  • Timespell
    January 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    VERY GOOD...

    There has been many a good man that has fallen to the bottle in search of an answer. None are ever found!!

    Excellent penned story,

    All the best,


  • kvwriter silver member
    January 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Ouch!

    Your poetic prose flowed, almost effortlessly, and I became entangled in the story. I could see this man, feel his sadness and sheer agony over the loss of his one true love. "Yesterday's dreams and tomorrow's disciplined sorrow" really brought the beginning and end together. You either have incredible empathy and compassion or have experienced this first-hand because you wrote this with an understanding of gut-wrenching trauma from loss and grief to a point where some people die rather than live in such a state. Or they long for death, but can only wait 'til it takes them and their sorrow away. Prose flows and metaphors create just the right images to suck readers in. Well done! The only thing I might add is an apostrophe before the s in Madmans, making it Madman's as it shows possession. That's up to you. Otherwise, I can't offer any "improvement suggestions" because the write is stunning and powerful and full-textured, even in it's brevity. Well done! Enjoyed!--Kel

  • NeferMaatNetjer silver member
    January 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I have seen this man in a lot of places. he needs to put down his bottle of poison, by which he is killing himself by inches, spit out the pride he is choking to death on, confess his regrets to God and ask for forgiveness, and go home. he is punishing nobody but himself, and he has suffered enough.

  • TillyMay
    January 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    There are some really great moments in this poem. I like the simplicity of it, I really believe in word economy- the more you can say with fewer words, the more powerful and concentrated it becomes. This is a poem that is benefited by that power. Your vocabulary is great, and there were some really great lines... in fact, it was wonderful right up to the last lines (just before the whispering bit)I like the ending, but the actual phrasing "crying for the death of his soul" felt... I don't know, a little cliche- maybe a bit of a let down after the fantastic poetry leading up to it.

    That is my honest opinion for what it's worth...
    But that being said, let me say this, I really did enjoy this poem. I thought the flow was excellent, the content powerful, and the imagery fantastic. Your vocabulary rocks and this is among the better poetry I've read on this site.

    Cheers for sharing!

  • Papagallo
    January 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    A perfect picture here.

    You put into words a perfect picture of many of the madmen on the streets today. The last verse of the poem sums up all his feelings. Great work.

  • Tecohe
    January 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Gaunt and intense

    This write brings a view seldom think of as such a man "wishing every woman that passes would be the woman he left behind". This is a striking image, one that will super impose itself upon quite a few men I pass in the street.
    Tecohe


  • I will stand by you
    January 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this is good. Keep up the good work. I really loved how you ended it. Its amazing how leaving someone can change you.


  • krptdnacnce
    January 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Intense-

    Such descriptive wording signifying everything he didn't have-very thought provoking -The anatomy

    of whispers,His proud

    emptiness,fortuitous

    panderings, yesterday's

    dreams, tomorrow's sorrows-all adding up to one thing-


    A retention

    of a single

    memory.

    wow, what an emptiness for sure to have etched upon his soul for eternity----I had to go back and read it again-Definately Intense-Great Presentation-Thank you for shareing








  • sanura2008
    January 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    It took me a minute to catch what was going on, but once I did, what confused me started to captivate me. I really like the way the words are spaced, it's very interesting. Good Work!


  • Jalalbad gold member
    January 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I was enchanted by this writing. One of the best!


  • Danna Hobart
    January 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Tightly wound,
    shaking fists,
    at the walls,
    and skies,
    and people
    passing by.

    I felt this was the best part of the poem. These lines show so much more than many of the other lines tell.


  • creationsfromheart
    January 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    This poem is great

    I love this poem and the words you have weaved... However this one is a bit long for the books... and would be hard for me to use the same stanza for it to come out in good print and read as well... But as most of your writes this is excellent!


  • UnchartedPoet
    January 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I love the flow of the write, cascaded down, bottomless for this poor soul. As he slowly goes deeper in despair, we go with him. This is a great write, thanks for sharing your work.

    Jen

  • shortie5
    January 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    i like this part

    fatefully spent
    on yesterday's
    dreams,
    and tomorrow's
    discipined
    sorrow

  • Papagallo
    January 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I especially liked "Crying/for the death/of his soul. I have seen someone like this before walking the dark streets if dispair. a powerful poem of the sadness in life of many people.


  • Gypsie Ink
    January 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Moving

    I love "Scrutinizing his regret, day after day" and "whispering her name" depth can always be found in pain and loss, and those that suffer die a little everyday


  • MaMa-2-be-Cindy
    January 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like how you have structured this. The shorter stanzas giving it such a back bone.
    Strong language choice, but still fitting with what your writing about

    It has such a dark feel to it, but I appreciated that and enjoyed feeling it from your poem

    It's a very good write I am glad I clicked onto it

    Happy New Year


    Cindy


  • Duchess Dizufish
    January 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    very well written. you can feel the subject's dejection, clinging to the past.
    I liked the formatting, I think it added to the effect, but I think some of the commas are unnecessary.

    "would be the woman,
    he left,

    behind."

    although a break in line isn't supposed to mean a pause, with a poem like this that's broken up so much, a pause is natural, especially there. I don't think the commas are needed. Then again, I could be wrong. It's just my opinion. :]

    Other than that, I loved it.


  • RedwingSpirit silver member
    January 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is another really nice poem Dear I think maybe some words are misspelled the don't know if it is intentional though tomarrow's discipined Other than that excellent work and Good Luck

  • Francis Vincent
    January 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    very good

    it captures so much
    i especially like the format
    random thoughts cascading thru his mind
    there is a real theme going thru this work
    how many of us pass someone,
    down on his luck, in a sense,
    yet, how different his life would be
    if someone helped


  • tomisb
    January 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a very tight stark write that holds this writers attention closely. The conflict of pride and poverty point to the agony wrapped around his soul. Love is treated as the regret, the woman the symbol, hope a foolish fantasy cast at passer by. So little separates us from a fall to the street and most of us don't ever see how tissue thin the line is.

    You do not denegrate the man no ask us to pity him. This makes his plight more poignant and personal. Excellent use of understatement and letting your words speak volumes. Thanks for the invite to read.

    Love, Tom B.

    • Angel w o Wings
      January 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you Tom

      For your valued opinion, it's very much appreciated. I'm glad you liked it.
      I really tried to get into the head of someone who makes a conscious effort to leave love where it lies, and take on the role of forever trying to hide his rejection of the world, but indeed still lay very heavy on his shoulders.


  • Kelly Sue
    January 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow this is a very thoughful and indepth poem, It has great imagery. it took me a minute to gather what I had just read as my mind was blown away by such great poetry. You are a great and wonderous poet keep writting!!


  • PurpleCrocus
    January 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The shaping of the poem is scattered. Very nice touch and comparison to the mind of a madman. Only thing to change would be the spelling. "Scrutinizing" and "tomorrow".


  • fallenangel671
    January 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    LOVE IT. so eerie and deep I loved this, the title suits perfectly and the punctation was awesome, I could read this poem over and over again I loved it,
    with his caved,
    graven heart.



    Crying

    for the death

    of his soul.
    such beauty in these words amazing poem, you truely are an amazing poet
    Keep writing

    ~Ashley~<3


  • parachute fog
    January 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    one suggestion, the punctuation is drowning it so remove it, let the poem be free.
    Other than that..its a strong write man, really liked this one.


  • EphemeralStyle
    January 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Gripping

    Woooooooooooooooah that's deep. I was gripped by this poem, and it had a great beginning and a satisfying ending. So sad... and thought provoking. The emotion in this was 3-dimensional and interesting. I value originality a lot in writing and your perspective here is just that. WOWNESS!


  • dustookie2
    January 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow nice imagery with such descriptive expression of emotions....you have set up the atmosphere and held my attention from beginning to end I like the layout as it adds more to the depth of the poem as it presents the reader with controlled pauses where the thought just lingers a little more before the next words are imprinted in the mind. Dramatic again it just adds to the features of this poem. The lines just flow smoothly off the page as the picture you paint is given life as it forms and plays out in the mind. Am standing in applause of a well crafted poem.

    • Angel w o Wings
      January 1, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for this wonderful critique. It has taken me almost three weeks to finaly come to terms with featuring it. Working it into, what I feel is a rather more exceptional piece of my works to date. But I know it could be a little better than it is.
      A poem is never finished. Thats the beauty of peotry. Thank you again.


  • tarcus
    January 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    for each of us may fall one day


  • Arsonforallages
    January 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Normally i do not like depressing poetry because people dont know how to word it, and make it something more than just a bunch of sad words. This poem was brilliant though, everything from the choice of words to the placement of them was perfect. The placement of the words and lines helps to exagerate the generall idea youre trying to get across and you did that wonderfully.
    Id aplaud more, but unfortunatly i do not have that many ha.

    • Angel w o Wings
      January 1, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for this wonderful critique, it's plausibly much more needed then what usually fallows a one liner comment. Thank you again and I will try to get around to reading some of yours.

  • juno0404
    January 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply


    "Tightly wound,
    shaking fists,

    at the walls,

    and skies,
    and people
    passing by."

    Loved the imagery, everyone has seen this at one time or another.
    Brilliant you are for putting words and feelings to the action.
    Very good.


  • Stevie17Marie
    January 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You deserved a gold trophy
    this is excellent
    its so heart felt
    I really liked this one
    keep up the excellent work my friend

    Stevie


  • MichaelLeeSmyth
    January 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    How many time have we all seen this man or woman in the alley or shaming for coin? Discipined? Yeah, I know the word you wanted. My sorrow is usually fairly uncontrollable when it manages to get out. But for the love of family and friends we could all end up sitting next to him sharing the bottle


  • Sedasia
    January 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Oh yes..

    Angel..

    This is what I needed to read today. (For reasons between me and you) I needed to read something devastatingly romantic, something where perhaps a man regrets being wrong to the woman he supposedly loves. You nailed it for me. This will be read over and over for a while. I like your romantic poems, you have a special knack for them. I loved this part:
    Fatefully spent

    on yesterday's

    dreams,

    and tomarrow's

    discipined

    sorrow


    • Angel w o Wings
      January 1, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Here's hoping everything works out.

      I do understand your need for this, and hope you get what you need out of it. Some times thats the best medicine for what ails us. POETRY!!!!
      I hope you feel better about everything, soon.

      Love and Respect,
      David (Angel)


  • ThatONEweirdChick
    December 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, that was actually pretty good. Rather dramatic (in a good way) and I loved how you ended it, wonderful write and thanks for entering


  • GypsyEyes
    December 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    very original! amazing flow and imagery in this one! great poem and i wish you good luck in my twin's contest. Merry Christmas!
    ~Dommi


  • Just Exist
    December 19, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This actualy painted a picture in my head. I really loved it!!!!


  • Just Exist
    December 19, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    awesome!!!!!!!!


  • nichtmich silver member
    December 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    An original look at lost love. I think the second verse is my favorite. A damaged mind and heart. I can't believe you put this together in such a spur of the moment contest. Kudos!


  • Rheea gold member
    December 17, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    your very dramatic and very good when you are

  • Sedasia
    December 16, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    oh yes..

    This is what makes women melt, knowing their power over a man they love. Sometimes this is all it takes to bring them back from even the most impossible situations.

    Excellent


  • Cupcrazy gold member
    December 12, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Excellent take on the prompt, loved the dark feel of this piece. Hugs, Bunny

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