I shall stand naked on the moon,
white - pouring my voice
so deeply into the wind
so that I can see you,
shining from newly fallen snow on Earth
I will gather them both;
a bag of silence,
and soft, soft sighs that will echo
through my breasts
to and fro
into yours
Author notes
I dedicate this to Carol, aka shewolfnative.
In a list
A contest entry
- Pimp up my free verse by leander.
400 points, ended January 6, 2008, 45 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please give some honest and constructive criticism -
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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I am re-reading this piece because I know and remember how beautiful this is from start to finish like a breath of blissfulness.
This part just makes me sigh:
I will gather them both;
a bag of silence,
and soft, soft sighs that will echo
through my breasts
excellent
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now this is a truly outstanding tribute poem ...
are you sure that your body is only 13 years old ?
it must be krishna who shines through your form, inspiring you such verse ... with such a familyname you can only pen masterpieces, no wonder ...
marion
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How I wish I could have written this little gem here... truly stunning poem!
thanks for this entry as well!
Leander -
You are so talented.
Beautiful poem...
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What an honor to see this this morning....any morning. I am truly touched. Your pen, young friend, is mighty and wise, your writing so particular and precise, and such comfort from these sounds here. It is the comfort of a gentle rock by sweet hum of a gentle harbringer's voice. thank you would never suffice.
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"pouring my voice
so deeply into the wind
so that I can see you"
A beautiful & poignant penning for such a magnificent Soul. This is gorgeous, Poet. I hope you do well in the contest. Carol deserves every single word. Wanda
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Wow..Really..this is excellent...
All the best!
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This is lovely, Namita... the sh-sounds, the alliteration and the gathering of silence and song - what a beautiful concept!! You do have a poetic song, my friend!!!
~ Nicolette
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Remnants is unpretty and too long for the poem. It's the only three syllable word and the "r" is too hard.
I like the sort of odd curtness- it highlights the difference between the long, sonorous voice of the sparrow and the sharp, quick motions of its breast and throat. You manage the movement and physical, visual presence of the sparrow- which casts a fresh perspective on song-birds.
You have a wonderful economy of words- but the /and the sigh.... remnants loses the Haikuesque hold of many images with few words. I think immediate improvement could come from you dropping and and putting a semicolon after both or a comma after silence- thus making silence and the sigh like a list. This will serve to sharpen the contrast between the two, and solidify two separate images as poetry rather than a conjoined prose-style sentence.
A nice exercise you might enjoy trying to prepare for or edit a poem is to imagine your imagery as held by a camera. Dramatic cuts, low perspectives, zoom-ins- figure out how to manipulate the image and present angles and parts of the poetry that can withold or highlight the whole. For instance, applying this method to the criticism I just offered- the "and" would make a running shot of both things as once, wheras cutting the "and" makes one panning shot of silence with a dramatic cut to the sigh.
Every word you write should contribute somehow to either dramatizing the presentation of imagery and character (playing with the camera), or to the music of cadence and tone (playing with the piano)- or best of all both at once. You need to balance your two poetic priorities- sight and sound- the camera and the piano and develop the ability to manipulate both at once. That's the beauty and the greatest challenge of the poetic art- you get to integrate and have to manage two senses at once when every other really only deals with one. -
i love the alliteration with the s's here- even the sh alongside the s looks pretty- the to and fro throws me off..
the voice of the piece is quite good.
thanks
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