The rainbow echoes soundlessly.
A Beethoven ear reverberates with
The spherical touch of tears
in orange tones
reflecting the yellow sun
of your palms.
The tree outside
sings green adoration
as the blue staccato wind
captures the indigo knowledge
that in violet we reach the apex
of red racy rhythm.
Arms reach out,
enfold the translucent mist
of effulgence
when chakras join
and colors meld,
when skies scream out
in rainbow.
Those arms entwine
awash in dance,
The one so wan
now two
now one...
A festival of touch.
Author notes
Hope this is enough to do something good with. Hope it is abstract enough as well, as I generally do not write abstract all that well.
This is a link to the challenge by Luckynsincere.
http://allpoetry.com/column/show/2339652
Effulgence means - A brilliant radiance.
Chakras - What are Chakras?
The word 'chakra' is derived from a Sanskrit word meaning 'wheel'; but perhaps even a better translation would be spinning wheel. If you could see chakras (as many of us whom work with them do) you would be able to see each primary chakra as a spinning vortex or wheel of energy; spinning inward from the front of your body towards the center point of that chakra on the kunilini and then spinning outward from that same point from your back.
Chakra Locations
The chakras start at the base of the spine and go up through the head on the kunilini which is located almost on your spinal column. The kunilini is shaped like a staff and many have mentioned that the Twenty-third Psalm of The Bible is speaking of the kunilini. Almost all religions believe in the spiritual and energy power points within the human body and these power points are called chakras.
There are seven primary or main chakra points with about a hundred smaller secondary chakras. The smaller points are often called meridians and are used during acupuncture to attune the Chi flow. The secondary chakra points are influenced with action and physicality while the seven primary chakras deal with emotions and spirituality. The primary chakras influence your health greatly, the health concerns related to them are caused by an unbalance in the chakra itself, from an emotional or spiritual cause, which then manifests into a physical ailment. Chakra Healing Each chakra relates strongly to a specific part of the body, specific emotions, mental, and spiritual concerns. Seven Chakras Health/Body Collation Chart
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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The last verse is very intriguing. I love the way you leave it up to the reader to interpret the piece for him/herself. Thanks for the education and I hope you do well in the challenge.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
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This was a great piece for this round. I must say that you have to be careful with the use of metaphors... yes they make it mysterious... but too many such as these colors... it makes the read a bit cloudy. The wonderful thing about abstract poetry is that you may very well be writing about a rock... its' texture.. its' color... the way it feels in the palm of your hand... but it is actually about something different.. love perhaps... it is a MUST that an "abstract" poem is crisp and brisk... clean to the eyes and ears
You did well with your wording... but in some spots it was not as consistent... if you pack one stanza... pack em' all. You could have stepped your other foot outta that box a bit more... do not hold back... bring it!!
Great work!! Best of luck to you.
Mel
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Thank you Mel
I must tell you this was a difficult one because when I get stuck on metaphor, all other considerations fly out of the window. This is what happened to me this round. I am taking all the comments to heart and when I am done with this piece, it might become two or three pieces, all with distinct messages. Thanks for this awesome round. It was challenging and that makes all the research that did help me in some way, worth while.
*Looking down at the abyss and carefully sticking a foot out ...*
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My pleasure. I found your response an admirable one indeed. lol.. put that foot on out there... there is nothing wrong with your wanting to get "lost" in a metaphor. That is often the point... just make sure that you do not over do a metaphor... As with abstract... you had the idea of it Do not think that this is not a great and worthy entry... because it truly is
I think with a good ol' refreshing edit, it would be darn near perfect.
Thank you.
Mel
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I've read this more times than I can count, trying to figure out how I feel about it in respect to what the challenge asked for...and the only thing that comes to me is that the abstract qualities seem to be in conflict with the metaphorical aspects. For me, abstract is about using the sounds and rhythms of words to evoke emotion, never mind the actual meaning of the words. Metaphor on the other hand is about making associations, and meaning definitely counts.
The majority of your poem has a rhythm I loved. The tempo “skips” in a couple of key places, especially in the 2nd and 3d stanzas, reminding me of something a little breathless and hurried. The last stanza evens out in a calm and relaxing manner. Maybe I’m just odd, but it makes me think of...lovemaking.
A few key words - racy, arms, chakras, and touch - reinforce that for me. So...if I ignore “meaning” altogether, this works for me on a very primitive and base level. My only criticism in this area is that you have just a touch of alliteration, and I really wish you had taken full advantage of it, consonance, and assonance to make this “sing” even more.
Then I get to the metaphors...many of which I loved, but I feel they get lost in the fray of so many adjectives that “muddy” the meanings, especially in the 2nd stanza. The nouns - which is where the power should really be - become almost transparent. You have a great comment from Dorick that highlights the other issues I have, including the title in relationship to the poem. I would only add that the word “screams” has a connotation to it that is completely at odds with the general tone of the poem, IMO. The poem and colors seem passionate in some places, spiritual and filled with wonder in others...but not loud and piercing, as I think of screams being.
I did question using the word “wan”, which to me means colorless, when the rest of the poem highlights color. I may not be reading something quite right there...???
I agree spreading out the imagery as Bear suggested would benefit the poem. Once the challenge is over you may want to revisit and concentrate on strengthening the abstract qualities OR the metaphors, as to me this is a write that would be best going further in either one direction or the other. (Nice job in trying to balance the two for the challenge though.) But I think a lot depends on how happy you are with this the way it is...and I honestly hope you are very happy with it, as you should be. You may not want to change a thing, which is perfectly okay too.
As always, these are just my opinions and thoughts, there for you to take what is helpful and leave the rest behind.
Good luck and best wishes,
~J.
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Wow, this was a fantastic comment. Between you and the Bear, I am learning so much. To be truthful, the balance between metaphor and abstract was a difficulty for me, as I could not look past the requirement of metaphor in the challenge. Once I start going in metaphor, it becomes really difficult to do the abstract. Believe me, I read so many abstract poems that I thought I could do this based on that and then the metaphor requirement got me stuck again.
I do see, as you and Dorick pointed out, the sound I should have used to strengthen the title. Truthfully, I really suck at choosing titles ... I can see, however, how rich the title could make this piece. I am going to play with this some more after the challenge - maybe make it two distinct poems with the same theme?
The use of "wan" fit for me in the love theme as the fact that the one who was colourless now melded into an abundance of colour. It also seemed expedient in the abstract sense to add it.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this fantastic comment. From now on, I would love to ask you and the Bear to really pull apart my pieces, as I really do want to be published and it seems that I grow through applying the changes you always seem to see that I miss. Community is a great thing when it comes to writing. -
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Thanks, and you are so welcome; I'm just glad my comment was helpful to you. Please be sure and send me a link (or links if it becomes 2 poems) after you've edited, as I would love to see what changes you decide to make. And yes, "wan" makes much more sense to me now.
btw - I loved your explanation of "chakras" in the comment below, which is much more in-depth than my elementary understanding of it. Maybe consider putting links to info and/or definitions of it and "effulgence" in your author notes?
TY again!
~J. -
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I added the meaning of effulgence and chakras in my author notes. That was a brilliant idea. I will send you the link or links of this after editing it. Thanks for your continued interest.
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I really like it! just im not a very smart person lol so i dont know what it all means
i tried
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It was about love. It was supposed to be abstract, so it was supposed to be somewhat confusing as well. Thank you for your comment and I would never say that "I'm not smart", because you are!!!
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LOVE IT! Good luck in the contest.
I especially love this: when skies scream out
in rainbow.
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Raven
Thank you so much!!! I am glad you loved it. It still needs some work but I will be playing with it after the challenge results come in. I still need to catch up on your work too and I promise to do so in the coming week. This past week was hectic for me.
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Hi Tanzy!
OK......right off the bat, I saw your usage of CAPS on some lines which did not require them ~
But I want to get more into your write ~
The Flow was obstructed by grammatical errors...IMO ~
The Theme was wisely chosen.....and I think you created a splendid over-all view of your thoughts ~
I love abstract.....and I think this is Border line....yet you covered your basics of word-play quite nicley ~
I felt as though you poured a lot into one stanza, (2nd), and maybe you should have spread your Imagery and cognative thoughts out more?
I think you summed up your entry well, but I was really looking for the moent where I wasgoing to go...WOW!........but it didn't happen ~
However, your style and technique are firm and solid ~
Your metaphorical views were balanced, yet if you're going to use such wonderful metaphores, then play HARD on those thoughts and lift the restrictions I feel that you are placing on your Quill ~
You are one of the strongest Poets here.....and I expected just a weeeeee bit more from you this Round ~
But.....you will score well from my point of view,
...how well?......Grrrr.....gotta wait and see....
...good luck Hun,
Bear ~
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Bear
Thank you. I thank you for the fantastic comment. Maybe after I played with it, I would ask for some feedback again. This piece is going to be my first project for editing practice... *smiles*. It seems it really does need a lot of work still and all the great feedback will help me perfect it. Hugs and lots of kisses.
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Aaah, your second line has beethoven in it. He's made my #2 favorite song. "The Funeral March" So I'm afraid I have to like your poem just for that.
But on to the best part of comments, the critisicm.
"write" off the bat, your title says "Rainbow Screams", but throughout the rest of your poem, I don't find any powerful lines that refer to the various colors making any distinct scream or yell.
In fact, for the most part your writing make me think the colors have feelings, not sounds or noises:
Arms reach out,
enfold the translucent mist
of effulgence
when chakras join
and colors meld,
when skies scream out
in rainbow.
(I don't even know what "effulgence" or chakras" means?)
Even in this line, where the word "scream" is actually used, it's the skie screaming out in rainbow, not the rainbow itself screaming.
It's a nice abstract, but keep the screech of colors together for us!
Thanks, Good job.
Lasty,
This is easier to read, because the writing pauses less:
Arms reach out,
Enfolding the translucent mist of effulgence,
When chakras join and colors meld,
As skies scream out in rainbow. -
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One of the judges referred to your comment as one that I should really look at and I agree. I thank you for really looking at this piece critically. Yes, you were right about the sound images lacking in strength. That is definitely something I will work on. I also like the suggested change to the one stanza you gave me - I am going to use that. When I am done, I would appreciate your feedback once again, although it might take me some time.
Effulgence - A brilliant radiance.
Chakras - What are Chakras?
The word 'chakra' is derived from a Sanskrit word meaning 'wheel'; but perhaps even a better translation would be spinning wheel. If you could see chakras (as many of us whom work with them do) you would be able to see each primary chakra as a spinning vortex or wheel of energy; spinning inward from the front of your body towards the center point of that chakra on the kunilini and then spinning outward from that same point from your back.
Chakra Locations
The chakras start at the base of the spine and go up through the head on the kunilini which is located almost on your spinal column. The kunilini is shaped like a staff and many have mentioned that the Twenty-third Psalm of The Bible is speaking of the kunilini. Almost all religions believe in the spiritual and energy power points within the human body and these power points are called chakras.
There are seven primary or main chakra points with about a hundred smaller secondary chakras. The smaller points are often called meridians and are used during acupuncture to attune the Chi flow. The secondary chakra points are influenced with action and physicality while the seven primary chakras deal with emotions and spirituality. The primary chakras influence your health greatly, the health concerns related to them are caused by an unbalance in the chakra itself, from an emotional or spiritual cause, which then manifests into a physical ailment. Chakra Healing Each chakra relates strongly to a specific part of the body, specific emotions, mental, and spiritual concerns. Seven Chakras Health/Body Collation Chart
Hope that helped to clarify those terms for you.
Thank you again for your wonderfully thought out comment and for taking the time to actually give me a critical comment that helps me to grow.
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i really love this poem. especially the name and the very last line. i like your imaginery. i try to write about things other than love, but it doesnt ever work out this well for me.
but you on the other hand are very good at this. mind checking out my new poem? By Your Side?
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Thank you Born. This was about love incidentally, although it was cleverly hidden *grins*. Your comment really means a lot to me and yes I will read your poem.
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This reminds me of a kundalini awakening or something sort of cosmically spiritual like that.
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It was supposed to be cosmically spiritual. Sometimes I do these not only because I have to too ... *smiles*. Thank you for commenting hun, as your work is hugely inspirational to me. You get the Divine and the spiritual and I love your work because of that. I am glad you saw the connection to love.
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I like the use of colour - makes me think not of what you are actually describing, but of abstract/distracted colour thoughts, swirling around in a void of nothingness.
Good write!
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Wonderfully done. Yes the colour vortex and emotion and healing and love go hand in hand. I am glad you saw this. Glad you liked the aspects of colour.
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i love the use of colour in this... however the line 'yellow sun of your palms' reminds me of a kid fingerpainting lol. still... a beautiful read,
hugs,
georgie,
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Wow, now you mention it, it could be seen as that! Isn't it wonderful that we can all see something different in a poem. It is wonderfully liberating to do finger painting too, so it fits and brings a smile to a face. Glad it brought you this association.
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bEaUtIfuL
i dont know much about abstract so i really dont know what to say.... but it sounds good and i didnt want to waste ur points... sorry ..... good luck with the challenge... -
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You did not waste my points - I have LOTS of points. The fact that you actually commented, even though you do not know a lot about abstract, means a lot. May you be blessed with many points yourself.
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hmmmm ... I don't know what to say about this one ~shrug~ I know NOTHING about writing abstract, so I shall sit here and send you a huge and tell you that you're still special in my life
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That is good to know and since I do not do a whole lot of abstract work, I don't think that there would be a lot of my work where you can only send me a hug. I would take the hug any day though!!! You are very special to me too.
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i loved the rainbow connection tanzy... this was a tough one for all of us i believe... peace and harmony...good luck to you and to all of us... desi
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Thanks Desi. I am glad you loved it. Good luck to you as well.
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Tanzanite;
Well from my view-point I enjoyed this one. Though I do have a few things to point out...
In your first stanza the line
"A Beethoven ear reverberates with
The spherical touch of tears
in orange tones"
should it be...?
A Beethoven ear reverberates with
the spherical touch of tears
in orange tones,
Your second stanza seems to be a run-on in my opinion. From lack of punctuation. Perhaps a tweeking is needed there.
As for creating the menatal picture with various colors of the rainbow, GENIUS.....however, I would incorporate it, throughout the entire poem not just within the first two stanzas.
Lastly, is this a typo?
"The one so wan"
**Ktulu Blackwolfe**
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The one so wan - wan is not a typo - it is intentional. I missed the capital "T" that you referred to when I copied it from Word into AP - bloody MS Word ... so yes that I would fix if I could. Thanks for pointing that out. Then the last thing you mentioned is the run on in the second stanza - that was intentional too, because I wanted it to pick up the tempo of the piece right there. I do see how it could be a problem though. Once the results are in, I will edit the piece again. Thanks for always being so honest and objective when you judge. I appreciate the growth I have gotten from these two challenges.
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