The hollow sound of lonesome
hangs heavy in the air
as I watch the morning sunrise
crying in my beer.
I'm ill at ease and moody
whenever I'm alone
the memories of you loving me
barely hangin' on.
In idle thoughts or whiskey dreams
I can't escape the pain
yet nights when sleep was slow to come
patience kept me sane.
I've struggled with my inner self
to get beyond the wants
and visions of you by my side
in old familiar haunts.
Like ships without a rudder
drifting in the wind
my emotions ebb and flow
'til I can gain control again.
A contest entry
- Best Prewrites [Love Poems] Enter now! by perfectsunset.
475 points, ended August 17, 2008, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Getting Hurt by irdefk.
950 points, ended November 28, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Breaking up is hard to do!!! by masked-monster.
700 points, ended October 26, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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I can understand these feelings so very well. This was a great write! Thank you so much for entering my contest and I wish you good luck!
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wow, it's really good, thanks for entering
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Wow this was such a well crafted poem. The flow was great and the meaning-- powerful. So filled with honesty and beautifully expressed. Admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery.. and knowing that you will gain control of it again- that is realization.
Great write!
Thanks for entering & best of luck
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Oh. This is a sad little poem that you have composed in here. It sounds like this was about a relationship that was really important to you at the time and it was a hard thing to lose and live with. I know that we've all been through those kinds of relationships that are really deep and meaningful to us. So I thought you did a good job of expressing that.
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I think this was absolutely passionate. Scripted well enough to envision. I particularly love poems that I can feel and see and this does just that. Very lovely piece. However, just a critique or 2, I think "moody blues" should be changed because moody and blues are basically the same thing and it sounds a bit redundant. Lastly, the last line I could be taking wrong, but this entire piece is about you and how you feel, but then the last line you mention "til *WE* can gain control again" who is we? when shouldn't it be "til *I* can gain control again"? Just wondering. Other then that I think you did a fantastic write that is smothered in emotions any reader can sympathize/empathize with. Thank you for sharing and keep up the beautiful work
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Sad, and emotional
You are a very gifted writer,even when you feel like you are lost and have nothing remeber that. Every one goes through touch times.
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Well written, tears of a broken heart...remember every time the sun rises we are granted a new opportunity...cheers
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This produced a tear or two,and drunk your words.
the heart repairs but is roughly stitched and the wound still weeps. I liked Whiskey dreams
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I like this, I am a child of a divorce. a bitter one at that. this one touched home. hope things get better my friend. *hugs*
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well done
great peice
BUT...the end is a little bit weak if you dont mind me saying so...but the rest is amazing -
Thank you for the comment and I am happy to return the favor. I like the mood and the rhythm of this poem, but something about the final line is disatisfying...use another word in place of soul(?)
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This just strolls out to greet you.
This comes from the heart, and it speaks of a seasoned souls experience.
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this is a really good poem ^_^ It has some of the best flow ive ever seen, I think. It's pretty sad too though. It really well explains missing someone.
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Excellent!!!
I love it when I am "returning a favor" (thanks for your comment by the way)
and I bump into a gem like this. I absolutly LOVE this....The opening lines are fantastic, rhythm is right on, and the wording is perfect!
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