i was scared.
but i was ready for decay.
to cure a weak morning
i was touching bricks
counted the niche of age in each crevice.
and stood by
flag poles and power lines;
flying in such beautiful static.
driving on suggesting roads;
day-light asteroids
eating the highway;
with my eyes on the dashboard
lungs swelling with sparks
undiscovered
of the irrevocable train of street music
there was natural salt in every breath i respired
diagonal shapes keeping time with beats
and i tended the garden with the smell
of rain, night, & misery on the back of my hands;
to push up the dead;
like daisys & eggshells
industry girl child and the lagoon mother in dragon light
fishmen stale on breath; hooks in the line
and if you should not return
a new world will shelter itself within the leaves
but i was still afraid.
Author notes
those who know how.
In a list
A contest entry
- e by grass.
500 points, ended December 21, 2007, 4 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
tell me why
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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although i had to read this closely, per backround, ive enjoyed your descriptive poem here...congrats on your first gold trophy, and good luck to you in this contest
and i really did enjoy this -
- you are developing a strong sense of your voice- keep at it- this has some wonderful moments in it..
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The only thing that I've ever really loved about good dirty pretty is that it captures the essence of youth and you have that in this. That's a good thing. As long as ridiculous punctuation and cliches are kept to a minimum, I'm alright
On to the poem: it's amazing. I particuarly enjoyed the part about bricks. It had soul and it made sense.
I really liked this, so I'm putting it in the finalists list. Thankyou for the great entry!
-fish -
ahhh this is so much better than mine.
wow. wwwooowww. I wish I could say something more productive.
the wildflowers beeseech you...write. -
Hmmm. This was a neat story. I thought it was about a girl, like waking up really early on a hot day and she walks around her house. Taking in the bricks and stones of it, looking down the long empty street that it sat on. Watching the power lines get tiny far away and wondering what it was like past all the empty space she was bored of. But comfortable in.
So she dreamed of being away, of driving and flying to someplace new.
& back in real life she dug her hands into the dirt, lumbering forward in this little county place that is home. And then the last little part confused me. If you should not return.
"& if you should not return
a new world will shelter itself within the leaves."
I've decided to take this as like...she thought so much about other places that weren't empty like hers, she was losing herself. So if she didn't come back to her mind, her mind would fill with something completely different. And then it would blow around in her brain.
And she didn't think this would happen, but she was still scared she might slip away.
And thats how I read this. It was a very cool peek into the eyes of this girl. My favorite lines were...
[day-light asteroids
eating the highway;]
I thought that was a very creative way of describing headlights. Maybe it has nothing to do with headlights. But thats what I saw. Comets spewing out of the front of the car as she rocketed down the freeway with wind in her hair!
Mmmm ok a reaaaaally long section I loved here
"there was natural salt in every breath i respired
diagonal shapes keeping time with beats
& i tended the garden with the smell of rain, night, & misery on the back of my hands;
to push up the dead;
[like daisys & eggshells]"
That was gorrrrge3ous. Natural salt in every breath, like where do you come up with this? so pretty and magical, like that just reminded me of quartz and humidity and formulas cascading down a page.
And the garden bit. Well obviously that is genius. So hippy and green and like...Dandelion Cafe <3.
And finally
"the lagoon mother in dragon light"
That was lovely. I see so many thousands of things in this line who knows what it is but I see beauty.
<3333 a lush blast with undercurrents of misery. ♥ i am seriuosly in love with this.
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i was scared.
but i was ready for decay.
i know this feeling.
& i tended the garden with the smell of rain, night, & misery on the back of my hands;
to push up the dead;
[like daisys & eggshells]
i love this. i love gardening and making things grow. i just love how organic this is.
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