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Umbra to Orange

Unbroken day

cracked umbra to orange,

but in the realm between moments,

I did not wake alone.

 

You coalesced about me,

lit the languid void of speech,

and there was nothing,

blessed nothing,

but only

 

fragrant seas of linen,

familiar flavors on the wind,

waning tides, cleansing moon—

our own piece of god.

 

You welled up with the sun,

blurred in my eye and fell away.

All forty hapless miles,

sleep well,

and Love, between my dreams,

good night.

 

Your absence sleeps in my arms,

its breath silent as the truth.

Still I cannot curse the lie;

I lived you this morning.

 

A contest entry

Say stuff. Be honest, or you are a total jerkface.

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 20 of 20

  • Night Hope gold member
    October 28
    Edit | Reply

    By that, I meant these lines:

    "Your absence sleeps in my arms,
    its breath silent as the truth."


  • Night Hope gold member
    October 28
    Edit | Reply

    Stanzas three and five. Dammmnnn. Get outta my head, you.



  • amaranthine lover gold member
    August 29
    Edit | Reply

    23.5 / 25

    How gorgeous!


  • leander Moderators member
    November 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Jerkface - lol...

    honesty you ask? well, there's not much to say about this except that I liked it enough to shove it to preliminary list...

    thanks for the entry!
    Leander


  • CelticQueen
    November 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    You've asked for constructive criticism rather than just plaudits, but honestly, there isn't much I'd suggest changing.  It would be nice to know for sure sooner that you were actually waking alone, rather than not alone, as you say.  It wasn't until the last stanza that I actually understood that.

     

    It might help to know what parts you are dissatisfied with.

     

    You have some absolutely magnificent lines. 

     

    "but in the realm between moments," "familiar flavors on the wind,"

     

    and my personal favorites:

     

    "Your absence sleeps in my arms,

    its breath silent as the truth."

     

    {All quotes taken from Umbra to Orange by Morgan Varner)

     

    So about all I can suggest is that you somehow let your reader know sooner that your lover is gone.

     

    Thanks for a beautiful write.

     

    celtic queen

     

    P.S.  Congratulations on your trophy.  It was well-deserved.  cq


  • StarIlluminated
    April 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow this is awesome! I love all your vocabulary its awesome! Very nice poem too, quite descriptive! Great write and thanks for entering in the contest!
    Illuminated *KT*

  • ecrivain01
    March 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    C'est magnifique ...

    and I can't see anything here that you might need to change. It seems perfect to me.

    What would you say to my posting this on my blog?

    http://poetsporch.blogspot.com/



  • whispernthedark Greeters member
    January 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Amazing write. I rarely comment on colors, but the colors you chose for this compliment your words perfectly. Congratulations on your silver win with this. Thank you for sharing and entering the contest.

    ♥
    whisper


  • RedwingSpirit silver member
    January 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I really like this poem I had to look at the Gold winner lol
    Yours was way better than what Norman chose as the winner. I do not understand a few words in this such as umbra and coalesced But that's ok I have a dictionary right beside me. I am not sure but I was always told God was supposed to be capitalized. lol depends on your religion. This is a very well written piece I love the imagery in it. Thank you for taking the time to enter this into my contest I wish you the best of luck

    RedwingSpirit

  • ecrivain01
    January 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    This reminds me ...

    of Samuel R. Delaney in his book, Dahlgren. The writing and the content too. A lot of what he writes is sensual one way or the other, and this has that same air to it. Not much to say about love poems that 40 million other people haven't already said, but I will say it's a good job. Congrats on the trophy.


  • infinitechaos07
    January 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for entering my contest and best of luck!


  • LoneFairrie
    January 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Well written. Thank you ever-so-much for shareing the devine poem with me.


  • zochit2me gold member
    December 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply


    I am totally speechless and sitting here with my mouth open...
    This soooooooo sets perfect to me right now and that last stanza, well oh my it was a poem within itself...

    Your absence sleeps in my arms,
    its breath silent as the truth.
    Still I cannot curse the lie;
    I lived you this morning.

    Sigh...

    Congrats on the silver
    I would LOVE to see your talent in my contest


    Becky



  • Kari gold member
    December 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I don't think that it's corny. I belive that you used a lot of metaphors in this piece and that made this piece stronger. I did understand some of the parts and I loved the sentence
    " Your absence sleeps in my arms "
    I could almost literally feel your pain in that sentence.


  • AlfVenison
    December 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    The last line isn't corny, just anticlimactic. You've got some good things going with the sound of this piece--assonance, consonance--but most of the time, sound comes at the expense of sense. For example, "languid void of speech" is sonically interesting but devoid of meaning. Good luck as you revise.


  • genevieve3
    December 18, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Its not corny, i just dont understand it. maybe relived, IDK..just a thought.


  • cherche -d -ame
    December 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    the language alone makes one want to linger a bit longer to really absorb the entirety of this rather unusual , but never the less mind engaging write. It hovers there somewhere between softness and sweetness.....and then leaves the reader with some mixed emotions [bittersweet] is the only word that I seem to find right now that would maybe come close to what I interprete this as being,
    respectfully
    reenie


  • Sidra Sabella
    December 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this reminds me of sunshine of the spotlessmind, it has the same soulful resination that echoes in the mind. the kind of feeling you can't describe. its beautiful on a whole other level that i ever expected. also, the tittle really makes it work. fantastic.


  • Sesheta
    December 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Your imagery was -gorgeous-. So vivid, your judicious use of words amazing to me, adding a delicious taste to this poetry. I also loved the subject and how you expressed it, especially when it came to the last three stanzas. I feel this poem when I close my eyes, I see this poem when I reread the words again and again, and I can't help but be impressed.


  • karma-n-peace
    December 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    LOL, I love your authors notes, jerkface... haven't heard that one for a while.
    Anyway~
    The last line kind of threw me: I lived you this morning. At first I thought perhaps it was a typo and you meant I loved you this morning but after going through and re reading it a few more times I think it maybe is supposed to be 'lived'.
    I like it.
    The reason why I like it so much is because it makes the reader think, it's different and keeps you wondering.
    I have read poetry that is well written and still makes no sense to me whatsoever but does make perfect sense to others familair with thte content or form.
    This however does make sens and could be written either way, with I lived you or I loved you.
    The rest of the piece is just as great, I love your word choice and the romantic peaceful feel of the poem.
    It is also very well written in my opinion.
    Excellent job!

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